I find this a bit odd

missbiggles1

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I was a bit shocked I suppose when I logged on this morning to see a post from her with her maiden name. I can't imagine doing that if my husband died suddenly. It made me wonder if perhaps their marriage wasn't all that it seemed and if I hadn't been a good friend because I hadn't noticed.

I wasn't shocked that she was on Facebook and I agree with others who have said its a good way to get the message out there. Its also a good place to offer support. She seems very upbeat and was talking about what she wants to do on Xmas day. She seems almost manic, so may get a big drop in mood later?

The discussion about Christmas cards is very interesting. I've not heard of that before. I was going to send something along the lines of "Thinking of you". Not totally sure now. Might just get a blank card and put an offer of help. I don't live that close to her anymore but will try and meet up early in the new year if that's what she wants.

Neither can I. If anything, I've used my late husband's name rather more since he died last October than I did when he was alive.

theoretica

If she used his name mainly because it made him happy, then changing back would seem natural to me.

Torry_Quine

Grief is a very individual thing. It could be any one of many reasons, even anger that he's left her.

bubbs

My sister was widowed in Feb this yr she was 45 her husband was taken ill 5 weeks previous, as you can imagine this year has been very difficult
She was coming here for xmas but reality hit her hard last week about xmas and she was so upset , so we are now going there (hubby and i) but she is still sending cards etc but i am finding it difficult to fnd her a card

Kim_kim

Mojisola wrote: »

I've never heard of this before.

I've always known this. It's definitely practiced in Ireland.

duchy

Jenniefour wrote: »

It's not convention but I can well understand why someone newly bereaved would not feel up to sending Christmas cards.

My mother sent Christmas cards to everyone after my father died, and used it to let those who might not have heard/known about my fathers death know as well.

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Having done a bit of research it is indeed convention in Ireland and still very much the done thing.

It does make me laugh when people are so sure because they don't do something it can't possibly be others do things differently.

Frankly I can't think of anything worse than having to plough through writing a pile of cards and signing them minus the deceased the first year. When you lose a loved one the firsts are horrible (birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc) so as a convention it seems a sensible and kind one.

Also useful to know if you have Irish family or friends too.

Mojisola

Kim_kim wrote: »

I've always known this. It's definitely practiced in Ireland.

The Irish side of my family must have missed the memo on this.

missbiggles1

theoretica wrote: »

If she used his name mainly because it made him happy, then changing back would seem natural to me.

I don't think it does, not so close to a bereavement.

missbiggles1

bubbs wrote: »

My sister was widowed in Feb this yr she was 45 her husband was taken ill 5 weeks previous, as you can imagine this year has been very difficult
She was coming here for xmas but reality hit her hard last week about xmas and she was so upset , so we are now going there (hubby and i) but she is still sending cards etc but i am finding it difficult to fnd her a card

If you don't want to just write a message on a plain card, I don't think that "Season's Greetings" could offend anybody.

TBagpuss

I think that the answer to the facebook change is simple. People deal very differently with grief, and with shock. I think it would be very unkind to read into it anything about he state of their marriage or the level of her grief.

My thought would be displacement activity - and possibly, as a previous poster said, that she wanted to have a different name to prevent people who have read about the accident tracking her down.

OS far as cards are concerned, send one. Often people can feel very isolated when they are bereaved, sending a card (obviously check the image and contents, and maybe add in a short, sympathetic message)

Recognise that she may well not be up to sending cards herself.

If you aren't sure on names, then either go with first names only, or ask her "I noticed you had changed your name to Smith on facebook - would you prefer that for everything, or is it just an online thing?"