I find this a bit odd

engineer_amy

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

Again different people have different ideas about what is acceptable, when my father died once immediate friends and family had been told I put a brief Facebook status update to let people know he had past away (he'd been ill for a while so it wasn't unexpected) I couldn't face months of telling friends and acquaintances that he had gone and just wanted the news out there. Years ago it would have been a notice in the local paper and I felt it was the same thing. However my stepmum wasn't happy about it she felt it wasn't appropriate. I'm glad I did, it made the following months that bit easier (I work with a lot of freelancers who I don't see on a regular basis but consider friends)

My friend's mother passed on very suddenly last week. She put a note on facebook to advise family acquaintances of both the passing and the funeral arrangements. She said it was much easier than having to make small talk by phone at a time when she was trying to come to terms with it all.

thorsoak

My beloved OH died in early January - we knew Christmas 2010 that we only had weeks left, so that Christmas was bitter-sweet.

My DD told me (not asked me) that I would go out to her in USA at the beginning of December 2011 and stay with her family until after the anniversary of his death in January 2012 - I acquiesed to this, and, at the end of November 2011, I set out to write all our Christmas cards. I got the address list printed off, set down with a glass of wine to do so ...and burst into tears. I could not do - not just write "with love from M" instead of the usual M & A - when he wasn't there to stick the stamps on.

No two people are the same, and "etiquette" should not come into how we conduct ourselves when faced with the loss of a loved one.

Fireflyaway

Maybe she is dealing with the shock by ' getting on with it' to keep busy? Maybe they were unhappy and about to split up anyway. Who knows and speculating won't achieve anything.
I would send a card wishing her the best for 2017 but in an understated way. Something quite plain and write a little message of condolence inside.

DigForVictory

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Usually, the first year after someone dying, they don't send Christmas cards.

Most intriguing. Some of my family must think I've been dead for years then. Which would explain quite a lot really.

Please, go easy on your bereaved friend. Call her what she wants, be there for her, take meals & offer to take her out (another county is excellent) for a brisk walk in the woods. Less chance of meeting any friends or relations, still much needed fresh air & exercise.

Above all, do not separate her from son - they may yearn to get away from each other for a bit & not dare as look what happened to father - a nice spacious area to walk in gives them more choices as to proximity.

Grenage

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Usually, the first year after someone dying, they don't send Christmas cards.

Dead people tend never to send cards again!

Katgrit

Grenage wrote: »

Dead people tend never to send cards again!

Was gonna say, never mind 5 years........my Nan ha been dead EIGHT years and she's never sent a card since.

PasturesNew

Grief is an odd thing.

Maybe she doesn't know what to do/say - and changing those she was crying her eyes out and hoping somebody'd notice and care enough to call her and pop round for a chat.

It's hard to open conversation at times; sometimes you need people to come to you and all you can do is make a sign. It might be her sign .... and she's very sad.

DevilsAdvocate1

Thanks for all the replies. I was a bit shocked I suppose when I logged on this morning to see a post from her with her maiden name. I can't imagine doing that if my husband died suddenly. It made me wonder if perhaps their marriage wasn't all that it seemed and if I hadn't been a good friend because I hadn't noticed.

I wasn't shocked that she was on Facebook and I agree with others who have said its a good way to get the message out there. Its also a good place to offer support. She seems very upbeat and was talking about what she wants to do on Xmas day. She seems almost manic, so may get a big drop in mood later?

The discussion about Christmas cards is very interesting. I've not heard of that before. I was going to send something along the lines of "Thinking of you". Not totally sure now. Might just get a blank card and put an offer of help. I don't live that close to her anymore but will try and meet up early in the new year if that's what she wants.

Jenniefour

duchy wrote: »

My Mum didn't the year my Dad died.
I was very much under the impression it was convention.

It's not convention but I can well understand why someone newly bereaved would not feel up to sending Christmas cards.

My mother sent Christmas cards to everyone after my father died, and used it to let those who might not have heard/known about my fathers death know as well.

OP- please do send your friend a card, I doubt it will matter a jot whether you use her married name or her maiden name, what's important is that those bereaved know we are thinking of them, especially on that first, usually very difficult, Christmas.

Jenniefour

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I was a bit shocked I suppose when I logged on this morning to see a post from her with her maiden name. I can't imagine doing that if my husband died suddenly. It made me wonder if perhaps their marriage wasn't all that it seemed and if I hadn't been a good friend because I hadn't noticed.

Or maybe keeping her husbands name right now is a far too painful reminder.

I was going to send something along the lines of "Thinking of you".

Above sounds fine to me.