Child free (by choice. )All of our friends now have children.

seven-day-weekend

I can remember when my son was small, joining a discussion group at our church, for adults only. Then someone suggested bringing the children along. Before long it turned into a creche. We couldn't discuss 'adult' things if they were not suitable for the children. I stopped going.

Would your friends with children not fancy a child-free evening out? If not, I'm afraid you will either have to join in with the childrens' things, or stop socialising with them. Some parents get very child- obsessed and won't be parted from them.

seven-day-weekend

mumps wrote: »

My best friend has been my best friend for over 50 years. I am married with 4 kids, she has never married and never had kids. We paired up at school because we were odd ones out at our grammar school, I came from a rough area and lots of girls weren't allowed to come to my house or have me to their house because of it and she was too posh. We have always been opposites and at times have gone over a year without seeing each other but nothing changes our relationship, when we meet up we are those 11 year olds who are out of step with the rest of the world.

My husband has a friend like this too. They were both 'misfits' in one way and another, met at 11, found a shared love of music and are still making music together over fifty years later.

His friend has three children and two grandchildren, we have one son and no grandchildren.

His friend's children used to get on my nerves when they were small (I'm not a lover of small children), but I like them all now that they are grown up!

onlyroz

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I can remember when my son was small, joining a discussion group at our church, for adults only. Then someone suggested bringing the children along. Before long it turned into a creche. We couldn't discuss 'adult' things if they were not suitable for the children. I stopped going.

Would your friends with children not fancy a child-free evening out? If not, I'm afraid you will either have to join in with the childrens' things, or stop socialising with them. Some parents get very child- obsessed and won't be parted from them.

I'm curious - what "adult" things did you used to talk about that were so unsuitable for delicate toddler ears?

seven-day-weekend

onlyroz wrote: »

I'm curious - what "adult" things did you used to talk about that were so unsuitable for delicate toddler ears?

Just adult subjects which may include things like child abuse, abortion, conflict, etc. It was a discussion group for adults, not a chatty coffee morning get-together. At least that is how it started. It soon descended into 'mumsy' chat once the children where there. That wasn't what I signed up for, so I stopped going. I wanted some intelligent discussion, not toddler chat.

heartbreak_star

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Some parents get very child- obsessed and won't be parted from them.

That's generally the point where my friendship will quietly fade from them. I am still there if they need me, I just don't share their obsession...

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Just adult subjects which may include things like child abuse, abortion, conflict, etc. It was a discussion group for adults, not a chatty coffee morning get-together. At least that is how it started. It soon descended into 'mumsy' chat once the children where there. That wasn't what I signed up for, so I stopped going. I wanted some intelligent discussion, not toddler chat.

That would have really annoyed me.

HBS x

onlyroz

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Just adult subjects which may include things like child abuse, abortion, conflict, etc. It was a discussion group for adults, not a chatty coffee morning get-together. At least that is how it started. It soon descended into 'mumsy' chat once the children where there. That wasn't what I signed up for, so I stopped going. I wanted some intelligent discussion, not toddler chat.

I would have thought that these topics would go right over the head of a toddler and so would be perfectly fine to discuss.

Person_one

onlyroz wrote: »

I would have thought that these topics would go right over the head of a toddler and so would be perfectly fine to discuss.

Me too, you can discuss all sorts while younger children are engaged in playing with duplo or fire engines surely?

FBaby

Some parents get very child- obsessed and won't be parted from them.

Some parents can't win! Some work FT and are critisized because it means they don't spend enough time with their children. If they make the decision to spend time with their kids the rest of the time, they are critisized because they don't dedicate enough time to their friends. Then the family gets into it!

Why can't people accept that others might have much busier lives than they do? When my kids were little, juggling working full-time, looking after them, not just giving them the minimum of my attention, but giving them my full one to make quality better than quantity, look after the house, deal with paperwork and the rest, make sure I remained a good concerned daughter so that my parents didn't moan. Well, getting just some peaceful time to unwind was the biggest treat possible for me, especially once my kids were in bed knowing that I would be up at 6am at the latest and start all over again.

So yes, during that time, I probably neglected some of my single friends or lost a few because this couple of hours of peace were even more appealing than an evening out with a friend, especially if that friend was of the type of only wanting to talk about herself and would take any moaning about my busy life in a 'well you chose your life' attitude.

The best friends in this world are those who accept that we are not perfect, but still love us because despite our failings, we do have plenty to give in other ways, or at other times. These are the friends who stay forever and I am very fortunate to have quite a few of them. Friendship is not much different to marriage, you have to work hard to keep it healthy and you have to accept that there will likely be ups and downs along the line.

onlyroz

Person_one wrote: »

Me too, you can discuss all sorts while younger children are engaged in playing with duplo or fire engines surely?

Indeed. I would have thought that as long as you refrained from swearing or discussing your sex life in graphic detail, there aren't many topics that you couldn't talk about in-front of a small child.

heartbreak_star

FBaby wrote: »

Some parents can't win! Some work FT and are critisized because it means they don't spend enough time with their children. If they make the decision to spend time with their kids the rest of the time, they are critisized because they don't dedicate enough time to their friends. Then the family gets into it!

Why can't people accept that others might have much busier lives than they do? When my kids were little, juggling working full-time, looking after them, not just giving them the minimum of my attention, but giving them my full one to make quality better than quantity, look after the house, deal with paperwork and the rest, make sure I remained a good concerned daughter so that my parents didn't moan. Well, getting just some peaceful time to unwind was the biggest treat possible for me, especially once my kids were in bed knowing that I would be up at 6am at the latest and start all over again.

So yes, during that time, I probably neglected some of my single friends or lost a few because this couple of hours of peace were even more appealing than an evening out with a friend, especially if that friend was of the type of only wanting to talk about herself and would take any moaning about my busy life in a 'well you chose your life' attitude.

The best friends in this world are those who accept that we are not perfect, but still love us because despite our failings, we do have plenty to give in other ways, or at other times. These are the friends who stay forever and I am very fortunate to have quite a few of them. Friendship is not much different to marriage, you have to work hard to keep it healthy and you have to accept that there will likely be ups and downs along the line.

This is why sometimes I'll fade into the background for a while - I would have no idea how to integrate into such a life HOWEVER I would always still be there for my friends, should they need me.

HBS x