Partner doing chores badly is driving me crazy!

Spendless

Person_one wrote: »

Well, because it needs to be done, and despite it being 2016 women generally still do far far more than their fair share in most opposite sex couples, and loads of them are tearing their hair out absolutely desperate for the men they live with to take a bit of responsibility for it!

I have to admit tonight I was surprised when one of the blokes I work with told me he was off Christmas shopping alone to a very busy shopping centre. I queried if it was for his wife's present and yes of course it was with him telling me 'she's done everything else'

My own DH can do to perfection housework, but he'll take a whole day to do one room!

misswansea

I like everything done my way, but I also hate nagging.

I have switched to Positive Reinforcement.
Not totally ethical, but so much nicer than nagging.

The trick is to ignore any behaviour you don't like but praise, even overpraise the bits you do.

For example lounge hoovered but bedrooms omitted?
"Thank you so much for hoovering the lounge darling."

Important: do not mention the bad bit, no little "shame the bedroom isn't as nice" follow up dig, praise only for the method to work.

For extra reinforcement add an extra peck on the cheek/ chocolate biscuit/ other small reward with the praise.
(For Big Bang Theory fans, like when Sheldon trained Penny to be less shrill)

Think there's no way this will work ? Give it a couple of days, and this is the hard bit for me, bite your tongue on all the negatives, the little passive-aggresive comments turn it back into nagging.

Think you'll sound fake? -doesn't matter, will still work.

Think your partner will figure out what your up to? - doesn't matter, will still work.
Seriously, you can openly tell them what your doing, will still work.
" your only saying that so I'll do it again next week"
"Yes"

Feels like you're training children or pets? - yes, I learnt it from a primary school teacher, it will also work on the dog.

Sometimes it can be tricky to find the positive to praise
" lovely clean roasting tin"
" thanks for putting the milk and eggs in the fridge "

Few weeks work, fewer arguments as your only saying positive things to each other * and they subconsciously start liking things your way.

*Tiny little downside: your partner may well use the technique back at you, don't be surprised to find yourself enjoying a packet of chocolate biscuits whilst watching the grand Prix

And you do have to keep it up, stop the reward and behaviours start to slide.

fierystormcloud

EmmyLou30 wrote: »

I get how everyone's idea of clean is different....you only have to visit a variety of peoples houses over the years to understand that....and my idea of clean is possibly to a higher standard to some. But some jobs are either done or not done to my mind, so a greasy set of plates from being badly washed up aren't done are they!? Or a toilet clean where you squeeze some bleach in and scrub the bowl but fail to wipe the ceramic part under the seat and all the parts of the seat and lid and cistern isn't done either! My OH occasionally does a bit of cleaning if I ask but it's never what I would call 100% done and it's rarely off his own back. Unless we have people visiting.....then if he thinks I might not get the entire house clean in the time available he'll chip in as he doesn't want the dirty house to embarrass him.

This ^

Me and DH know a particular couple who's house is an absolute pighole. They moved in 3 years ago, to a house that had the same carpets down that had been there since the house was built 25 years earlier. They are cream too, (or rather were!) and are engulfed in grime and dust. The kitchen is laden with a thick film of grease, the wallpaper is all yellow throughout, and the bath and loo are covered in grime and lime. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Yet on the rare occasion we visit, they insist we take our shoes off at the front door.

When I get home, I take off my stockings or socks, and stick them in the wash, as I don't want the grime off their carpet all over my home.

Spendless wrote: »

I have to admit tonight I was surprised when one of the blokes I work with told me he was off Christmas shopping alone to a very busy shopping centre. I queried if it was for his wife's present and yes of course it was with him telling me 'she's done everything else'

I think it's like this for many; the women do most household stuff and chores and suchlike.

onomatopoeia99

Person_one wrote: »

Well, because it needs to be done, and despite it being 2016 women generally still do far far more than their fair share in most opposite sex couples, and loads of them are tearing their hair out absolutely desperate for the men they live with to take a bit of responsibility for it!

So after lots of posts on how some people don't see any need for certain domestic tasks, you ignore everything that has gone before and declare that it "needs to be done", then complain that women end up doing it.

The whole point is many people do not see that it "needs to be done" at all, so don't do it and still wouldn't do it if the other person moved out.

74jax

Hubby moved in with me. His idea of clean and tidy is the complete opposite of mine. After about a month we got a cleaner. I put up with it for a month then realised it was how he was, so he employed a cleaner for his share. We got married shortly after and upped the cleaners hours to cover some of mine too.

He still does his own washing - maybe one a month - and I just do mine. No more arguments after the cleaner was employed. Totally worth it.

Person_one

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

So after lots of posts on how some people don't see any need for certain domestic tasks, you ignore everything that has gone before and declare that it "needs to be done", then complain that women end up doing it.

The whole point is many people do not see that it "needs to be done" at all, so don't do it and still wouldn't do it if the other person moved out.

Yes, there is a certain basic level that needs to be done. Everybody needs clean clothes to wear and clean plates to eat off, everybody needs food, everybody needs a bathroom and kitchen that don't give them virulent bacterial infections, everybody needs the rubbish and dirt to be somehow removed from their living space.

How many men who 'just don't notice' a full laundry basket do you think would walk around naked or always in newly bought clothes if they lived alone? How many men who 'just don't notice' a pile of dishes or a full dishwasher or the fact that they're hungry would just live entirely off takeaways straight from the wrapper if they lived alone?

Maybe one or two out of a thousand, but most are perfectly capable of living to a reasonable standard of cleanliness if they have to, they just 'don't seem to notice' why they should have to if there's a woman living there too!

Rosemary7391

Person_one wrote: »

Yes, there is a certain basic level that needs to be done. Everybody needs clean clothes to wear and clean plates to eat off, everybody needs food, everybody needs a bathroom and kitchen that don't give them virulent bacterial infections, everybody needs the rubbish and dirt to be somehow removed from their living space.

How many men who 'just don't notice' a full laundry basket do you think would walk around naked or always in newly bought clothes if they lived alone? How many men who 'just don't notice' a pile of dishes or a full dishwasher or the fact that they're hungry would just live entirely off takeaways straight from the wrapper if they lived alone?

Maybe one or two out of a thousand, but most are perfectly capable of living to a reasonable standard of cleanliness if they have to, they just 'don't seem to notice' why they should have to if there's a woman living there too!

I largely agree with you - certain things do need to be done - however the bolded I think is actually a very low standard. Far lower than most folk would consider acceptable. We've all seen those photos of places that are an utter tip, yet the inhabitants don't give themselves food poisoning or break limbs on the clutter regularly.

There's also a difference between proactive (the clothes are dirty; I'll wash them) and reactive (I have no clean clothes; I'll wash them). Someone with the former attitude is likely to get frustrated at the latter even though they both achieve the same outcome eventually.

indiepanda

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

So after lots of posts on how some people don't see any need for certain domestic tasks, you ignore everything that has gone before and declare that it "needs to be done", then complain that women end up doing it.

The whole point is many people do not see that it "needs to be done" at all, so don't do it and still wouldn't do it if the other person moved out.

I think a slightly extreme perspective - the poster didn't say that women expect a show home and that men should do half the work to get it. Plenty of women are a bit laid back about house work too - and I am sure you will admit there's a minimum that even you do.

I mean, you must eat, so unless you either eat out every meal, or only buy ready prepared food and eat out of the packet or use paper plates and plastic cutlery and throw them away, then there's at least a bit of cooking and/or washing up?

Similarly I don't know anyone who doesn't change their clothes for clean ones every so often - admit some might wear things a few more times than others. So unless you take everything to a laundry service (and even that's a bit of effort) or get a cleaner to do it all (and even they tend to insist on you pre-sorting it) there must be some washing to do. Admit ironing can be optional if you don't have a job that requires smart dress.

I guess the ideal is to either
a) live alone
b) share with someone with very similar standards and is happy to do their fair share of the work to achieve them.
c) share with someone who is happy to agree a compromise that both sides feel is fair.

If you don't have a proper conversation with a partner about this before you move in together, especially if having seen each other's homes you can tell you have very different standards, then you are asking for trouble. Unromantic perhaps, but no less so than having rows or simmering resentments about chores.

Spendless

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

The whole point is many people do not see that it "needs to be done" at all, so don't do it and still wouldn't do it if the other person moved out.

My Mum has said to this me recently when I've said about how my husband doesn't 'get' how I need to devote time to getting things for Christmas prepared. We have this discussion every year and I end up telling him someone doesn't really come down the chimney with wrapped presents( he's 51 so has had many years to come to terms with this )She said because many men don't do it, they don't see how time consuming it is and if left to it they wouldn't do it either. I see her point me and DH both lived alone in our own places when we got together. I used to have a tree up every Christmas, he didn't bother.

That's an annual event though, but I think it's filtered down to the weekly/daily chores if it can be ignored for long enough it will be.

FBaby

This thread made me smile. In our household, OH has the highest standards. I have long given up doing window cleaning as leaving just one small mark gets a zero mark and a emergency need to be done again properly!

However, I do get very irrate with the standard of cleanliness of my teenagers. They are great kids, far from lazy, well mannered, responsible, but when it comes to chores, they revert to 4 year olds. They both get top marks at school and comments from teachers about how helpful they are, always coming to school looking smart, how their work is tidy and well-organised, but asking them to clean the dishes and at least once a week, it leads to voices being raised.

All chores are done badly to same standard described by OP. It's infuriating when every week, of each month or each year, you go over the same thing, asking nicely, showing how to do properly, making threats etc... and I'm still where I was 5 years ago!

The bonus in my case is that although I will miss them desperately when they are away, that is one aspect I'll be delighted about! Clearly not an option for OP though!