Partner doing chores badly is driving me crazy!

Marvel1

Why are you together?

TBagpuss

I think you could perhaps try to talk to him about it as a general thing, at a time when you are not !!!!ed off becaue he has just messed up again.

Explaij to him that you are feeling very frustrated, as you feel that you are being forced / epxected to all of the housework, and that you want to discuss with him ways to ensure that you divode taks in a fairer way.

You can explain that you unerstand that if he hasn't been in the habit of doing things it will take a while for him to get in the swing of it, and also that you accept that there is more than one 'right' way to do stuff, so rater than dictate a process talk about the outcome which is needed - so the washing might be
- make sure that laundry is done without ending up with colours running or either clothing or the machine being damaged. OR you do your laundry and leave his for him. Sooner or later he will work out how to do it, and if in the process he turns all his shirts pink and turns his favourie sweater to felt, well, that's a learning experience for him.

- loading the dishwasher to ensure that eveything will be clean and nothing damaged once it is run.

mention some specifc examples of problems and ask him what he feels could be done to make it easier for him to do his share of the chores (do refer to 'his share' not him ' helping' , which implies it is really your job)

For instnace, with the dishwasher , ask him whhy he thinks he can't remember which thingsshouln't go in? Would it help to have a checklist taped to the front of the machinr, or to the wall above it ? or to have a single shelf/ drawer where the non-dishwasher safe stuff lives, or to have a house rule that whoever has been cooking / clears the table outs the non-dishwasher safe stuff in/next to the sik, and eveything else on the counter above the dishwasher (or whatever works for your kitchen lay out)

In relation to cleaning I think you may have to compromise. If he is comfortable with things being cleaned less frequently than you then it's not unreasonable to met somewhere in the middle, but again, talk to him, and talk about what needsto be done and why.

Ask him for suggestions about how you can improve things .

This might include coming to an agreement that he will pull his weight more in terms of cooking - just becaue he can't cook doesn't mean he couldn't leanr. Ask him how he would like to tackle that - would he like to start with you giving him detaield recipies or would he rather you just buy him a copy of Delia Smith's complete cookery coutse (which quite literrally tells you howdo do eveything, from boiling an egg onwards) and let him make his own mistakes.

Be clear that this is not only about the tasks, it is about te impact it has on you, in that you are left feeling tired, explouited and resentful, so this is about your relationship, not just about whether or not wooden spoons go in the dishwasher.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I'm not so sure how much of a male/female thing it is. I lived in several all female house shares as a student and in my 20s, and people just have different standards and snapping points. I always ended up doing more than my share, because I can't stand mess, clutter and dirt. I particularly hate dirty bathrooms; how can you effectively wash your face in a sink with a grimy tidemark? And the amount of pubes you get floating about if the floor isn't swept regularly.

I do find people who have never lived on their own are the worst for basic domestic skills.

EmmyLou30

I get how everyone's idea of clean is different....you only have to visit a variety of peoples houses over the years to understand that....and my idea of clean is possibly to a higher standard to some. But some jobs are either done or not done to my mind, so a greasy set of plates from being badly washed up aren't done are they!? Or a toilet clean where you squeeze some bleach in and scrub the bowl but fail to wipe the ceramic part under the seat and all the parts of the seat and lid and cistern isn't done either! My OH occasionally does a bit of cleaning if I ask but it's never what I would call 100% done and it's rarely off his own back. Unless we have people visiting.....then if he thinks I might not get the entire house clean in the time available he'll chip in as he doesn't want the dirty house to embarrass him.

I've accepted I made a rod for own back by doing everything and friends tell me I'm mad and the male friends say blimey your bloke has it easy etc. But if I want it done properly I have to do it myself. Occasionally it bugs me though like if I get told 'where are my shirts for next week?'....um in the basket where you put them and I haven't had chance to do them so then I'm running round getting them washed and ironed as fast as possible to please him. I do question whether he appreciates it or not.

nickyhutch

Why do women fall in love with someone, then try to change everything about them?

Proxima_Centauri

ripplyuk wrote: »

mine also seems to break everything he touches/uses, including the loo seat (twice)

Would it be indelicate to ask how he managed to break the loo seat.. twice :rotfl:

Izadora

nickyhutch wrote: »

Why do women fall in love with someone, then try to change everything about them?

I don't think that all that many do and wanting someone to pull their weight around the house is hardly wanting to change everything about them.

I love my boyfriend dearly and there are very few things I would change about him. If I could guarantee that I could take a glass out of the cupboard and not find lipstick still on the outside of it then I think he'd be pretty much perfect

Guest101

Izadora wrote: »

I'm the same as your partner, if there are jobs to do then I need to get them out of the way before I can relax otherwise I'll just sit there mulling over what needs to be done.
I know that it annoys him that I want things done to my schedule but him leaving things to the last minute means I spend the majority of my day wondering if it's going to be yet another time when a promised chore ends up not being done, whether he's going to end up rushing it before bed and doing an even more shoddy job than normal or whether it'll be deferred until "tomorrow".

If it's something like football, grand prix or any one of the many, many other things he watches then I have no problem with "I'll do it after xyz has finished" but I don't understand why, when you're going to have to do it at some point anyway, you'd leave someone that uncomfortable all day just to sit and do something you could quite as easily do an hour later.

I suppose it's a case of trust.


If I've agreed to do something I'd like my partner to rely on me to get it done. It can feel a bit like a child being given chores otherwise.


(no telly until you tidy your room).

indiepanda

Was sure I had read some stories about this on the BBC website and I was right - as in the general issue rather than the OP.

Women do more housework when living with a man than when single and men do less:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6382429.stm

Women do more of the housework and childcare than men
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-37941191

Not universally the case I have to say. My next door neighbour says her husband has higher standards of cleaning than her so he prefers to do the cleaning himself. (not that she doesn't do other stuff, running her business from home she definitely does more of the childcare) And another friend has a boyfriend who is a great cook. But equally one of my closest friends split with a boyfriend for a number of reasons, but one was that he didn't pull his weight around the house.

I think too many people have grown up seeing the women do more of the housework and so see that as normal. Whilst that might have been fair for my mum who didn't have a paid job outside the home, in my generation most of my friends work as much as their boyfriends. I ended up resenting the boyfriend who used to trash the kitchen while cooking (which he loved) leaving me with a far bigger cleaning job than the cooking was. Not to mention always abandoning his clothes in the washing machine so they were in there damp and smelly when I went to wash my own clothes. I ended up doing his laundry in the end - which involved a lot of effort as he was a very sweaty type and the armpits never came out clean without a lot of pre-scrubbing. I can't believe I did it now, what a mug.

Guest101

Person_one wrote: »

Why would you need a list? Who writes the list for your partner?

ok 3 things:


1. I work she doesn't, so a lot gets done when I'm not there, so splitting what's left over seems the most sensible thing


2. like I previously mentioned I don't mind in the slightest I just don't 'see' like she does


3. it doesn't have to be a written list, just a - if you can do x, y and z, I'll do a, b and c and we'll be done