Partner doing chores badly is driving me crazy!

Littlered_81

My boyfriend and I moved in together two years ago. We have a great relationship and I absolutely think the world of him.

The problem is not him doing chores, he will and I have said to him if I feel he isn't doing his share and he takes that on board and does more.

My problem is that he does things badly and he gets offended if I try to talk to him about this. I don't want to do all the jobs, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it! He's ruined kitchen ware putting it in the dishwasher despite being told repeatedly things aren't dishwasher safe, he will say he's hoovered, but he only does the living room, if he washes up half of its still dirty, he won't wipe down the kitchen sides, he doesn't seperate the washing and over stuffs the machine. He'd helped put the shopping away a couple of nights ago, but I just found frozen items in the cupboard which now need throwing out!

Any advice on how to tackle this? It's been two years and I love him completely but it's driving me insane!

NBLondon

Littlered_81 wrote: »

My problem is that he does things badly and he gets offended if I try to talk to him about this.

Two possibilities spring to mind...


1) He's useless but you haven't found the right way to tell him he's useless without it coming across as nagging. Do chores together? It may seem a bit like teaching a child but sometimes that really is what is needed.


2) He's being deliberately useless in the hope that you'll take over. A passive-aggressive technique that sometimes succeeds.


I know that in some cases, the discrepancy is in the standards required (e.g. hoovering) or level of detail (is this dishwasher safe?) but not knowing how to put away frozen food is too basic to ignore.

Slinky

My money would be on number 2 any day of the week.........

pmlindyloo

I so sympathise with this.

My husband is exactly the same!

I used to get really cross about this (when we were younger and first married) and ended up doing it myself because I just couldn't stand it! A question of if you don't like the way I do it, then do it yourself (not said nastily, just stating a fact)

I swear to God there are just some men who do not consider it important and just cannot understand the fuss. (And I must admit I am extremely fussy!) Or it is a total ruse so that they don't have to do it.

This was a mistake!

If I had my time again I would do things differently.

First, whatever you do, don't start doing it yourself.

Second, make things easy. So, buy two dirty linen baskets (you can get some just for this purpose) and separate the washing yourself - takes a couple of minutes. Don't let the washing build up so he can't overfill the washing machine.

Unpack the shopping together and separate into fridge, cupboard and freezer and ask him to put away the fridge stuff or whatever.

Don't use any kitchenware that isn't dishwasher safe, or only use it when you are in charge.

Wipe down the tops yourself.

Specifically ask him to hoover the lounge, the bedroom etc etc. (keep it to one at a time)

Give the place a good hoover yourself once a month.

Some will say, 'don't let him get away with it' but personally I believe that constant nagging isn't the way forward and can ruin a relationship.

Compromise is the key. Annoying as these things are in the whole scheme of things they are minor irritations although sooooo frustrating, I know.

Izadora

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I swear to God there are just some men who do not consider it important and just cannot understand the fuss. (And I must admit I am extremely fussy!) Or it is a total ruse so that they don't have to do it.

My boyfriend definitely falls into the 'can't see the fuss' category. I know that he's not trying to get me to take on all of the chores but the number of arguments we've had over how atrociously bad he is at washing up are ridiculous. He's another one who tends to take offence when I point out that things haven't been done properly and puts it down to me being overly fussy.

I will admit that I have very high standards when it comes to how clean I like our house to be and his are somewhat lower but I still do not understand how someone can say that they've washed up and everything's covered in a slight film of grease because he's an absolute tit who thinks that washing up the tray that's been used for roast potatoes first and then doing all of the plates/cutlery in the same water is perfectly acceptable :mad:

It takes a lot of self control not to point it out in an "Oh !!!!!!, what is wrong with you?" way but I've found that if I manage to bite down the irritation when things are done that badly and put it across in a "darling, would you mind terribly redoing this?" he'll huff and puff a little bit but I end up with things at a level that's vaguely acceptable to me.

With the washing, put something light which he likes into a dark wash. He might suddenly see the importance of separating things out. Unfortunately I had to end up with a load of chewing-gum-grey underwear before my OH realised that I wasn't just being fussy by asking for whites to be washed separately.

Good luck and if you find anything which works then please do let me know!!

Gloomendoom

I have the same problem when trying to get my wife to service the cars. Despite having degree in engineering, she's bloody useless and just doesn't seem to be able to grasp even basic concepts. It's the same with plumbing and electrical work in the house.

We just focus on what we are best at, and in our case it fits the stereotypical male/female roles.

*GasMonkey*

When I first moved in with the wife she took me round the house like a child and showed me how to do jobs "properly" she said I had to wash glasses first, then cutlery, plates and bowls and then pots and pans!
she was very serious... and the washing! god why so many piles? oh yeah... cos I didn't like the pink t shirt I made!!
that made sense don't mix colours... but why hoover a room for 10 mins? are we really that dirty?
I will admit I learned a few things and I want to keep her happy so I will do it her way (but I still stick my tongue out behind her back when she tells me its wrong!!!) :rotfl:

Pop_Up_Pirate

Simple. Do the jobs yourself. Let him do the car/heating/plumbing/DIY and you do the dishes/vacuuming/cleaning.

Sorted. Easy Peasy.:T

pmlindyloo

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I have the same problem when trying to get my wife to service the cars. Despite having degree in engineering, she's bloody useless and just doesn't seem to be able to grasp even basic concepts. It's the same with plumbing and electrical work in the house.

We just focus on what we are best at, and in our case it fits the stereotypical male/female roles.

Ha Ha

Problem is servicing the car isn't a daily or even weekly chore and if you are both working full time the everyday mundane chores can be soul destroying if you are doing them all on your own while the other half is sitting watching the TV/whatever.

In all seriousness sharing household chores (or not!) must rate high on the reasons for divorce/separation.

The other problem is when you are in the first thoes of love you can easily fall into the trap of 'building the perfect nest' and you then get into the stereotype roles and there can be no going back.

LKRDN_Morgan

Littlered_81 wrote: »

He'd helped put the shopping away a couple of nights ago, but I just found frozen items in the cupboard which now need throwing out!

This would tip me over the edge into nuclear territory. Someone that stupid/lazy is a lost cause.

onomatopoeia99

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I swear to God there are just some men who do not consider it important and just cannot understand the fuss.

Yes. I'm one. I find things like vacuuming and dusting just so spectacularly unimportant that I don't even notice that they "need" to be done. It doesn't matter. I simply don't care. I actually cannot understand people getting excitable about housework not being done.

If I wanted my home to look like it had escaped from Homes & Gardens, I'd pay a cleaner. I don't, so I don't. I grew up in a home like that, I don't want to live in one. I do want people to respect my choice to have my home the way I want it.


There would never be arguments about washing up being done badly though, I delegate that to the dishwasher. I'm quite happy to pay for the electric it costs to avoid me having to do it by hand. :A