Partner doing chores badly is driving me crazy!

trailingspouse

I hate hoovering and dusting. Partly because first I have to tidy up (there's just the two of us, and I tidy my own things as I go along... Just saying).

6 months ago I decided to pay a cleaner - she comes for two hours a week, hoovers all the floors, dusts the obvious bits, and cleans the bathroom. It's been very revealing that my husband tidies his things up and clears his dirty clothing off the bedroom floor the day before she's due. I could get very p***ed off about that if I let myself - the fact that he will tidy up for a complete stranger but won't do it for me.

The week she couldn't come, I didn't bother to tell him... He tidied up, meaning that I could whizz round with the hoover in half the time it would normally take.

Some thoughts on why this seems to be a common theme in many relationships -
- some men genuinely don't see household chores as being something that's 'theirs'. They may be happy enough to help if asked, but don't take ownership. This could explain why they just don't see that something needs doing.
- some men weren't brought up to do these things for themselves by their own parents, so don't know how to do them. And don't want to admit that they don't know how to (for example) wash dishes. And then get defensive when they do it wrong and get criticised.
- they may (possibly subconsciously) see housework as the woman's job. Perhaps, as a result, they think anything they might do could be seen as criticism that she isn't doing her job properly. Many women fall into this trap too.

nickyhutch

Are you his Mum, or his girlfriend?

Find stuff that you're good at, and do it. Find stuff that he's good at, and let him do it. It's that easy. Or get a cleaner, if something so small irritates you so much.

ripplyuk

This thread is making me really appreciate the fact that my partner and I have separate houses . Maybe you should try it OP? It works great for us.

Worse than just being useless at household chores (I'm way past expecting that), mine also seems to break everything he touches/uses, including the loo seat (twice), a kettle, part of the door frame, door handles, etc (I could go on). He also seems incapable of turning off a tap properly or switching off electrical items, like the iron. He just couldn't care less. He also doesn't understand why I don't like the furniture being randomly dragged about to whatever position he currently fancies.

OP, there's really no cure for this. You can try leaving things to get dirty and seeing how they like it, or letting them ruin all the laundry etc, but it probably won't bother them that much. You'll just end up living in a hovel that they're quite happy with but that you find miserable.

My partner knows he has to clean up his act when he's in my house, and I don't mind slumming it in his place, as long as I have my nice clean home to return to :rotfl:.

Person_one

nickyhutch wrote: »

Are you his Mum, or his girlfriend?

Find stuff that you're good at, and do it. Find stuff that he's good at, and let him do it. It's that easy. Or get a cleaner, if something so small irritates you so much.

Great, unless she's good at cleaning and he's really good at Call of Duty. Funny how often that happens...

Guest101

Person_one wrote: »

Great, unless she's good at cleaning and he's really good at Call of Duty. Funny how often that happens...

What annoys me actually is that basically:


No-one wants to do the chores, but my partner cant relax until it's all done, so it must be done at her pace.


would be so much easier if I had a list to get done by bedtime and I'd be content either to blitz it or to relax and then get it done.


it just ends up being drawn out and monotonous.

Person_one

Guest101 wrote: »

What annoys me actually is that basically:


No-one wants to do the chores, but my partner cant relax until it's all done, so it must be done at her pace.


would be so much easier if I had a list to get done by bedtime and I'd be content either to blitz it or to relax and then get it done.


it just ends up being drawn out and monotonous.

Why would you need a list? Who writes the list for your partner?

nickyhutch

Person_one wrote: »

Great, unless she's good at cleaning and he's really good at Call of Duty. Funny how often that happens...

I'm sure you know that I meant chores-wise. Last time I looked, Call of Duty wasn't a chore.

It's really easy to turn into a nag over something that is, in the big scheme of things, quite a little thing. And, if it's such a big thing, are you with the right person?

AndyBSG

NBLondon wrote: »

He's being deliberately useless in the hope that you'll take over. A passive-aggressive technique that sometimes succeeds.

This.

I'm 90% sure that this is exactly what my wife does!

We have a 3 compartment bin for recycling... She just dumps it in whatever one comes first so I end up having to sort it out and separate it when I empty them.

I always put Tupperware tubs in the cupboard with their lids on... She just throws the lid and box in separately so you have to hunt for the matching set when you need one.

Everything in our cupboards has it's own place, from measuring jugs to sieves and pans. This 'space' is to make sure things that are used regularly are the easiest to get to and to make the best use of space... She just throws everything in.

I wash up almost every evening after dinner. Reason being because we only usually put the dishwasher on once a week so if I put the cheese grater in there on a Monday I can guarantee I will need to use it again before the following Monday so it's easier just to wash it up when I use it rather than a few days later when it's been festering in the dishwasher with dried, crusty cheese on it... She throws everything in the dishwasher no matter what.

The sad fact is if you want something done properly you have to do it yourself

Izadora

Guest101 wrote: »

No-one wants to do the chores, but my partner cant relax until it's all done, so it must be done at her pace.

I'm the same as your partner, if there are jobs to do then I need to get them out of the way before I can relax otherwise I'll just sit there mulling over what needs to be done.
I know that it annoys him that I want things done to my schedule but him leaving things to the last minute means I spend the majority of my day wondering if it's going to be yet another time when a promised chore ends up not being done, whether he's going to end up rushing it before bed and doing an even more shoddy job than normal or whether it'll be deferred until "tomorrow".

If it's something like football, grand prix or any one of the many, many other things he watches then I have no problem with "I'll do it after xyz has finished" but I don't understand why, when you're going to have to do it at some point anyway, you'd leave someone that uncomfortable all day just to sit and do something you could quite as easily do an hour later.

nickyhutch

AndyBSG wrote: »

This.

I'm 90% sure that this is exactly what my wife does!

We have a 3 compartment bin for recycling... She just dumps it in whatever one comes first so I end up having to sort it out and separate it when I empty them.

I always put Tupperware tubs in the cupboard with their lids on... She just throws the lid and box in separately so you have to hunt for the matching set when you need one.

Everything in our cupboards has it's own place, from measuring jugs to sieves and pans. This 'space' is to make sure things that are used regularly are the easiest to get to and to make the best use of space... She just throws everything in.

I wash up almost every evening after dinner. Reason being because we only usually put the dishwasher on once a week so if I put the cheese grater in there on a Monday I can guarantee I will need to use it again before the following Monday so it's easier just to wash it up when I use it rather than a few days later when it's been festering in the dishwasher with dried, crusty cheese on it... She throws everything in the dishwasher no matter what.

The sad fact is if you want something done properly you have to do it yourself

The thing is that everybody's "properly" is different. If you want something doing the way you want it doing, do it yourself :-)