Partner doing chores badly is driving me crazy!

nickyhutch

Izadora wrote: »

I don't think that all that many do and wanting someone to pull their weight around the house is hardly wanting to change everything about them.

I love my boyfriend dearly and there are very few things I would change about him. If I could guarantee that I could take a glass out of the cupboard and not find lipstick still on the outside of it then I think he'd be pretty much perfect

Fair enough

(Is it not your lipstick, though? And it's a few second's job to wipe it off, rather than get het up about it!).

indiepanda

Izadora wrote: »

I'm the same as your partner, if there are jobs to do then I need to get them out of the way before I can relax otherwise I'll just sit there mulling over what needs to be done.
I know that it annoys him that I want things done to my schedule but him leaving things to the last minute means I spend the majority of my day wondering if it's going to be yet another time when a promised chore ends up not being done, whether he's going to end up rushing it before bed and doing an even more shoddy job than normal or whether it'll be deferred until "tomorrow".

If it's something like football, grand prix or any one of the many, many other things he watches then I have no problem with "I'll do it after xyz has finished" but I don't understand why, when you're going to have to do it at some point anyway, you'd leave someone that uncomfortable all day just to sit and do something you could quite as easily do an hour later.

Look at Myers Briggs type indicators - if you are what they call a "judging" (it's a bad word to use to describe it) you can't play till the work is done - if you are a "perceiving" type then you can totally get absorbed in fun stuff and ignore chores. I am definitely the latter, chores are dull - and that's why I pay someone else to do as much of it as I can. I don't want to live in a hovel, but left to my own devices I would always find something more exciting to do than hoover as it's really not essential to do that often if you live alone and don't make much mess. If your partner is a perceiving type like me he probably struggles to understand how much it bothers you.

I remember being on a leadership course in Africa once where we had covered Myers Briggs. We were on the practical part of the course, travelling to a remote area to build a playground for a children's school, and stopped at the house of a guy that worked with elephants for lunch and a talk. We were chatting in the car later and the judging person in the group didn't enjoy the talk as they were worried the whole time because we were meant to be filling up our big water bottles at his house before driving to our next camp stop where we couldn't get water, and we didn't do it till just before we headed off. The other perceiving type and I were completely perplexed by this. We knew it needed to be done and we wouldn't have forgotten as it really was important (not like a bit of dust on the carpet), we just didn't see the rush when there was something more interesting to do first.

I think if your partner ends up doing what is needed, just not as promptly as you want, you need to accept that your preferences are different. If it's a case of procrastinating and then regularly not doing what he has said he would do, that's another matter.

ripplyuk

Proxima_Centauri wrote: »

Would it be indelicate to ask how he managed to break the loo seat.. twice :rotfl:

He says he has no idea. Judging by the way the hinges were completely ripped off the actual seats, my feeling is he's wrenched the seat off whilst swivelling round to grab the loo roll or something. He can't do anything delicately. It's all brute force.

Izadora

nickyhutch wrote: »

Is it not your lipstick, though? And it's a few second's job to wipe it off, rather than get het up about it!

It's actually more likely to be his mum's as I very rarely wear lipstick. I know that it's not hard to get rid of the lipstick, so I shouldn't really worry about it, but in some ways that makes it annoy me more. It's kind of a case of if it's that easy for me to sort it out then why couldn't you just have done it properly in the first place?

indiepanda wrote: »

Look at Myers Briggs type indicators

I think if your partner ends up doing what is needed, just not as promptly as you want, you need to accept that your preferences are different. If it's a case of procrastinating and then regularly not doing what he has said he would do, that's another matter.

Yeah, I definitely fall into the judging category and he's definitely a perceiving person.

I am getting better at trying to trust that he'll do stuff if he says he will, even though it's not always the case, and he's getting better at trying to give me some kind of timescale for when he'll finish a job. Even though I'd rather it was done straight away I seem to be able to cope fine with "I'll get it done before 10pm" but get worked up with "Yeah, yeah. Stop nagging, it'll get done when I'm ready."

I've realised that I sound like a right nagging cow and I'm making him sound like he's a useless slob, which really isn't the case, but it's amazing how much of a bone of contention being at completely opposite ends of the "what is acceptably clean" scale can be

Gloomendoom

ripplyuk wrote: »

my feeling is he's wrenched the seat off whilst swivelling round to grab the loo roll or something.

I did exactly that in a holiday home five minutes before we were due to leave for the airport. I ended up sprawled on the floor with my trousers round my ankles.

It was all very embarrassing and we lost a bit of our deposit.

indiepanda

Izadora wrote: »

Yeah, I definitely fall into the judging category and he's definitely a perceiving person.

I am getting better at trying to trust that he'll do stuff if he says he will, even though it's not always the case, and he's getting better at trying to give me some kind of timescale for when he'll finish a job. Even though I'd rather it was done straight away I seem to be able to cope fine with "I'll get it done before 10pm" but get worked up with "Yeah, yeah. Stop nagging, it'll get done when I'm ready."

I've realised that I sound like a right nagging cow and I'm making him sound like he's a useless slob, which really isn't the case, but it's amazing how much of a bone of contention being at completely opposite ends of the "what is acceptably clean" scale can be

Sounds like you are both trying to meet the other in the middle whilst respecting your differences which is good. I think rows about housework are pretty common and for sure it's all about where your preferences for cleanliness are relative to each other. I think I am a bit slobby but aware enough to be ashamed of it so pay to get most of it done by someone else, but when stuck living with someone much more slobby I found it maddening.

I have to admit this thread is doing a good job of reminding me that there are some minuses of being in a relationship given I am single.

hazyjo

It can take a while lol...


My other half does everything as he doesn't work now, and I'm out the house for nearly 12 hours a day.


I still occasionally find something frozen on top of the fridge freezer, red wine in the fridge, or tubs of things for the cupboard in the fridge (or new things in the bin).


He also doesn't always dust 'things' but happily dusts under them. I draw hearts in the dust if he's missed a chunk (OMG yes I know, that's terrible lol - my friends nearly keeled over when I told them), but he seriously doesn't always notice things so rather than nag (or do it myself!), I'll draw a heart (or something rude ). He laughs and sees the funny side or I'd not do it!


He is now a dab hand at the ironing and a fantastic cook (he was good to start with), he was awful with the shopping - would forget most off the list and come home with totally random things, but now he's perfect (he often forgets one thing but goes back out or gets it the next day), he's also now turned into my secretary - I used to have to constantly remind him of things as he'd forget, but now he reminds me and works from many lists. I now say if you don't remind me, I'll forget - so I get emails off him with reminders of things I need to do.


He is still shocking with the dishwasher or washing up. Glasses come out of the dishwasher dirtier than when they went in, but as I'm totally OCD, he knows I'll just come and wash myself a glass from the cupboard anyway. I've learnt to ignore the state of glasses/mugs and just wash them myself when I need something. He did manage to wash a glass candle jar the other day with a couple of inches of wax in the bottom and totally wreck the dishwasher/pipes (cost £150 to sort out), but I wasn't wound up. I managed to leave a tin candle burning the other night which has charred the top of the mantelpiece. S**t happens - my error could have had a far more drastic outcome. So of course he's going to do stupid things sometimes - we all do.


He is ridiculously clumsy and things often get broken. I've learnt to live with it.


We wouldn't have it any other way!


Jx

onomatopoeia99

indiepanda wrote: »

Look at Myers Briggs type indicators - if you are what they call a "judging" (it's a bad word to use to describe it) you can't play till the work is done - if you are a "perceiving" type then you can totally get absorbed in fun stuff and ignore chores.

I can totally get absorbed in the fun stuff and ignore chores. But if you read my signature, you might have inferred that anyway

indiepanda

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I can totally get absorbed in the fun stuff and ignore chores. But if you read my signature, you might have inferred that anyway

Yes, your attitude to housework sounded quite like a couple of my ex's who were an extreme P.

I am not very extreme in any of my MBTI preferences... probably INFP, but my INTP ex would have probably seen me as an ENFJ as he was much more I and P than me.

Gloomendoom

indiepanda wrote: »

Yes, your attitude to housework sounded quite like a couple of my ex's who were an extreme P.

I am not very extreme in any of my MBTI preferences... probably INFP, but my INTP ex would have probably seen me as an ENFJ as he was much more I and P than me.

Acronyms! !!!!!!?