Partner doing chores badly is driving me crazy!

Proxima_Centauri

Littlered_81 wrote: »

My problem is that he does things badly and he gets offended if I try to talk to him about this. I don't want to do all the jobs, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it! He's ruined kitchen ware putting it in the dishwasher despite being told repeatedly things aren't dishwasher safe, he will say he's hoovered, but he only does the living room, if he washes up half of its still dirty, he won't wipe down the kitchen sides, he doesn't seperate the washing and over stuffs the machine. He'd helped put the shopping away a couple of nights ago, but I just found frozen items in the cupboard which now need throwing out!

Mine isn't quite as bad as yours, by the sound of it (he doesn't put frozen items in the cupboard!) but as far as washing up goes, I do it myself and he dries and puts things away. If he washes up, he just rinses the dishes under the tap, which doesn't get the dirt off them.

I also started going to the launderette myself, after he came home with a basket full of damp washing due to not having put enough coins in the dryer.

I swear it is sometimes easier to just do things yourself :rotfl:

(You may find, though, that there are 'manly' chores that he's good at. Cleaning the oven, for example?)

indiepanda

NBLondon wrote: »

Two possibilities spring to mind...


1) He's useless but you haven't found the right way to tell him he's useless without it coming across as nagging. Do chores together? It may seem a bit like teaching a child but sometimes that really is what is needed.


2) He's being deliberately useless in the hope that you'll take over. A passive-aggressive technique that sometimes succeeds.


I know that in some cases, the discrepancy is in the standards required (e.g. hoovering) or level of detail (is this dishwasher safe?) but not knowing how to put away frozen food is too basic to ignore.

Surely no one is daft enough to put frozen food in a cupboard - I strongly suspect he's playing the being deliberately rubbish game.

I had a boyfriend once who was dreadfully messy and untidy and when he moved in he announced he wouldn't share the cost of the cleaner though he would other bills. His logic was we both knew I would have cracked first and done the cleaning long before he would have if we didn't have a cleaner. To this day I can't understand why I allowed him to move into my house!

The only other chap that lived with me worried me slightly by saying he would need me to tell him what to do around the house when he moved in. Thought I might have another lazy one on my hands who hoped needing to nag would make me give up and do things myself. But it turned out I only had to ask once for him to take the bins out, and he adopted it as his job for ever more (which I totally wasn't expecting) and he generally did his fair share around the place and I hardly ever had to ask him to do anything or complain he didn't do it to my standards (not that I am very fussy.)

To the OP - two years is a long while to have put up with this and you might struggle to change things now. If he didn't get any better, would it be a deal breaker for you?

Could you afford a cleaner between you and outsource some of the work or position it as he pays for a cleaner and therefore you will do other housework if he really doesn't want to do it? Not that I would be happy with that myself as I value my time higher than money and would feel cross if my partner was getting to relax whilst I was doing chores... but could be better than ending up repeating his shoddy efforts!

fierystormcloud

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I have the same problem when trying to get my wife to service the cars. Despite having degree in engineering, she's bloody useless and just doesn't seem to be able to grasp even basic concepts. It's the same with plumbing and electrical work in the house.

We just focus on what we are best at, and in our case it fits the stereotypical male/female roles.

:rotfl:

Even though this is meant tongue-in-cheek (I think,) I have to agree. Women ARE better at some things than men, and men ARE better at some things than women; it's just how it is. I think the sooner that women accept that, the better. I have always done our housework and chores, but he works more hours than me; I do 24 hours a week, and he does 40. He will do anything if I ask him, but I don't mind doing the housework and chores.

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

Simple. Do the jobs yourself. Let him do the car/heating/plumbing/DIY and you do the dishes/vacuuming/cleaning.

Sorted. Easy Peasy.:T

killielila wrote: »

I came on here to stick up for your hubby my OH constantly nags me about the 'RIGHT' way to do chores . I lived and raised a child on my own for 16 years but because my way is different to his i'm in the wrong .
however he will literally step over things to tell me about them like yesterday I was upstairs studying and he came up to tell me that the bottle on the condenser dryer was leaking on the floor and didn't I empty it between loads . .. No between doing 2 loads of washing walking the dog putting the bins out hoovering cleaning floor and trying to study for my degree it slipped my mind ..... sorry rant over

BUT not being able to feel that an item is frozen and putting in the cupboard I think your OH at it

My husband did this once when we were younger - the reaction he got from me meant he never did it again.

And yeah, I do question (if it did happen,) if there's a person alive on earth who could be so dumb as to put frozen stuff in the cupboards. I think we've all left frozen items out now and again (I know I have recently left a twin pack of veggieburgers at the side of the freezer in error and they thawed out!) But doing it on purpose? Really.....

jackieblack

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I find things like vacuuming and dusting just so spectacularly unimportant that I don't even notice that they "need" to be done. It doesn't matter. I simply don't care. I actually cannot understand people getting excitable about housework not being done.

If I wanted my home to look like it had escaped from Homes & Gardens, I'd pay a cleaner. I don't, so I don't. I grew up in a home like that, I don't want to live in one. I do want people to respect my choice to have my home the way I want it.

I couldn't agree more

PasturesNew

You need to work out a new division of labour that fits his skillset. e.g. he can load the dishwasher, but YOU turn it on after you've checked. e.g. let him put the shopping away, but then always double check what he did ... you can do that sneakily ... and then not mention it.

Stop cooking all the meals.... get him to choose 3 days each week when he does it - and if you end up with beans on toast, then that's fine, you've not cooked.

Get him to share the work, where he can do least/zero damage.

You can then work on fine tuning his performance over the next 50 years.

coffeehound

Littlered_81 wrote: »

I work 45+ hours a week, I cook all our meals (this is definitely NOT his skillset at all!).

Dare I ask: does he work?

Andrew_Ryan_89

Littlered_81 wrote: »

My boyfriend and I moved in together two years ago. We have a great relationship and I absolutely think the world of him.

The problem is not him doing chores, he will and I have said to him if I feel he isn't doing his share and he takes that on board and does more.

My problem is that he does things badly and he gets offended if I try to talk to him about this. I don't want to do all the jobs, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it! He's ruined kitchen ware putting it in the dishwasher despite being told repeatedly things aren't dishwasher safe, he will say he's hoovered, but he only does the living room, if he washes up half of its still dirty, he won't wipe down the kitchen sides, he doesn't seperate the washing and over stuffs the machine. He'd helped put the shopping away a couple of nights ago, but I just found frozen items in the cupboard which now need throwing out!

Any advice on how to tackle this? It's been two years and I love him completely but it's driving me insane!

It looks like I bumped into my wife on this forum! :rotfl:

Person_one

Can he move out and just visit when you want some company?

Honestly, he'd be buried under the patio by now if I were you. I could forgive one episode of frozen food in the cupboard as we all have those 'mind blank' episodes that result in keys in the fridge etc. but nobody of normal intelligence accidentally does it more than once.

Don't cave, whatever you do.

Proxima_Centauri

indiepanda wrote: »

Could you afford a cleaner between you and outsource some of the work or position it as he pays for a cleaner and therefore you will do other housework if he really doesn't want to do it?

This sounds like it might be the best way forward, if both are working full time.

Marvel1

Littlered_81 wrote: »

He'd helped put the shopping away a couple of nights ago, but I just found frozen items in the cupboard which now need throwing out!

:eek: There are no words for being this dumb.