Christmas present dilemma

Knightsuntold

Person_one wrote: »

These days you can stay Facebook friends with someone at a casual level where you know what they're up to and get to say 'congrats!' at their achievements, milestones etc. but without being too deeply involved. I really think that's a better way to go with the exes of close friends and family if you like them as an individual and would be sorry to never hear from them again.

I think its a bit inconsiderate to the stepson to keep in such close contact and share so much. Her primary relationship was with him, they were only very young, it was 3 years not 30, they decided to end it and from the sounds of it he hasn't chosen to stay in contact with her, certainly not to anything like the extent that his former stepmother has, but she's still a big presence in the background even though he's made a choice not to have her in his life anymore.

Wow. Quite a few sweeping statements in here, based on very little knowledge. My stepson (not former - he still is, and always will be) knows that I'm in contact with her, and asks about her on a regular basis. At no point has he said he'd rather I wasn't in touch, and, believe me, he would if he wasn't happy about it. What I share with her is to do with my life, not his. Yes, her primary relationship was with him, but she developed a strong relationship with all of us - she lived with us for quite some time. I didn't realise that you had to know someone for 30 years, before you could care for them - I will bear that in mind, and take more care of the three or so people in my life that fall into that bracket. .:)

I don't see how one e-mail every six weeks and one visit in three years is classed as 'a big presence in the background' - not trying to be difficult with that - I just don't see it. I'd agree if we were chatting every day, and meeting once or twice a week. She's not even in the same country.

Knightsuntold

annandale wrote: »

Youve bought a gift for someone you are still in touch with. You are going to end up going around in circles here. You haven't bought her a merc, you've bought a piece of jewellery which I'm sure she'll like and appreciate. We all have opinions on here but it's how you feel that matters.

It was more that I didn't understand my friend's reaction, or what she meant, but I really value the opinions on here - yes, they often confuse things to begin with, but then the fog clears. It's like having a big bunch of friends who say exactly what they think, rather than pretty it up in case you're offended - I like that (most of the time...)

Yes, I'll meet her, and yes I'll take the jewellery. I'll leave it my bag, just in case there's a factor I haven't considered, but I'm pretty sure that it will be ok. I'm really looking forward to seeing her - three years is a log time.

melanzana

What exactly is the problem here?

Someone is buying a Christmas present for someone and it is causing angst because of another friend? Give the present if that's what you want to do and get on with it. You will never please everyone, so you gotta please yourself as they say.

Sorry, I just don't get it. Another book plot maybe. Along with the abusive current GF and the Metro ticket issue.

Woops. I'm for the chop now! But I couldn't care less. Open forum, internet and all that jazz.

Pollycat

Knightsuntold wrote: »

I've bought her some jewellery as a Christmas present, and my best mate has pulled me up for it. She says that as she's no longer part of the family, she shouldn't be having any presents. I said that she's more of a friend than anything else now, and my mate has said that it should be something small, like chocolates, or a bottle if wine. She added that I'd be giving out the wrong message, but wouldn't elaborate on what the message might be.

Why didn't you ask her to explain what the message might be? And why she thought it would be wrong?

I can see nothing wrong with you buying her a gift.

You do seem to be having a lot of 'issues' in a short time period.

melanzana

Pollycat wrote: »

Why didn't you ask her to explain what the message might be? And why she thought it would be wrong?

I can see nothing wrong with you buying her a gift.

You do seem to be having a lot of 'issues' in a short time period.

Me neither. But I hope OP just gives the present anyway.

I don't really see the issue here at all. But maybe that's just me.

barbiedoll

When I split up with my ex-husband, I used to see his mum for tea every so often, at her invitation. She told me that even though I wasn't his wife any longer, I'd always be her daughter-in-law, and that wasn't going to change. I was very touched when she bought me a gift for my first Christmas post-separation, it wasn't expensive but it was clear that a lot of thought had gone into it.

To be honest, I only let the relationship slide because I didn't think it was fair on his new girlfriend (an old flame from school, his mum was very upset as she thought she was a "nutter" lol!) and it was difficult for me to talk about him with her, without letting her know why we had split (he was a violent drunk)

It was a shame, she was a lovely woman and her and my mum also got on very well together. If my marriage hadn't been so ghastly, I probably would have stayed in touch with her.

OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with you having a friendship with this girl. It doesn't sound as though you're plotting to get her and your stepson back together (you're not, are you?) and if he's cool with it, then it's no-one else's business. If your friend is going to be crabby, then don't talk to her about it!

ska_lover

How will this work when the ex girlfriend gets a new partner - will the new beau find it strange that she is still hanging around her ex's family?

jackyann

I think that some people cling to certain types of presents 'meaning' something.
It reminds me of Scarlet O'Hara's mother listing what presents a young lady mayor may not receive from a gentleman. Jewellery was considered an 'intimate' gift and I think that your friend is picking up that message.
However, I think that wine / chocolates seems odd to give someone living abroad ( the modern equivalent of Mrs. O'Hara's acceptable gifts of confectionary & Florida water) and I think that you are fond of this young woman, know her well, and should trust your own instincts.

Pollycat

jackyann wrote: »

I think that some people cling to certain types of presents 'meaning' something.
It reminds me of Scarlet O'Hara's mother listing what presents a young lady mayor may not receive from a gentleman. Jewellery was considered an 'intimate' gift and I think that your friend is picking up that message.
However, I think that wine / chocolates seems odd to give someone living abroad ( the modern equivalent of Mrs. O'Hara's acceptable gifts of confectionary & Florida water) and I think that you are fond of this young woman, know her well, and should trust your own instincts.

WOW!
I buy a couple of my closest friends jewellery for their birthdays and Christmas, we go abroad to places that I can pick up unique items and they love that.

I've never, ever considered it to be an 'intimate' gift - and I'm pretty sure that they haven't either.

Knightsuntold

melanzana wrote: »

What exactly is the problem here?

Someone is buying a Christmas present for someone and it is causing angst because of another friend? Give the present if that's what you want to do and get on with it. You will never please everyone, so you gotta please yourself as they say.

Sorry, I just don't get it. Another book plot maybe. Along with the abusive current GF and the Metro ticket issue.

Woops. I'm for the chop now! But I couldn't care less. Open forum, internet and all that jazz.

Hahahaha... the old, well-tested book plot line.... do you think the questions that I ask are worthy of a book? I could add chapters bitterness, cynicism and cheap shots. Would you be willing to help with those?

Seriously, you don't believe me, or you're not interested, and that's absolutely fine. I'm guessing that you know my name on here, so why don't you just avoid the threads - it really is that simple.