Christmas present dilemma

Cloudydaze

Knightsuntold wrote: »

My best mate definitely has a touch of the Scarlet O' Haras about her! Part of the jewellery thought process was that it was something small, and easy to take back with her. My best mate has jewellery for every present, and something else, as a surpise. I'll never forget the time I bought her a night in a really nice hotel, with dinner and spa treatments thrown, for her and her partner - she looked at me as though I'd given her a stale eccles cake in a tissue!

Out of interest, how would you feel if it turns out that your husband HAD bought his PA the necklace (like she claimed)?

Would that have more significance than if he gave her a bottle of wine? Or would your comments of giving jewellery as presents still stand?

Knightsuntold

thorsoak wrote: »

As the mother of 4 - now grown-up - children, I found it very difficult to react to some of their one-time girl/boy friends. Particularly hard when it was the first girl/boyfriend, from teenage years.

The hardest relationship to come to terms with is the first serious friend of the opposite sex - the relationship that lasts more than a couple of months, up to a two or three years. In these circumstance you accept that you have another member of the family - coming along on days out/maybe a day at Christmas/Easter, getting to know another family - and then wham - it's over, and the relationship with another girl/boy that you've treated as a member of the family is no longer.

I've had to comfort one son and daughter when the other person was the instigator of the break-up whilst feeling sad - and almost feeling more sad when daughter/son has been the person doing the breaking up.

In a couple of cases, I still hear from the girls concerned and am happy to hear about their careers, their families and pass news on to the sons who are also happily married and happy in their careers in front of their partners - but I'm talking about boy/girl relationships of over 15-25 years ago.

All I would suggest is that you arrange to meet the girl on her own and say nothing to your stepson when he is with his current girlfriend.

Thank you so much - there's so much truth in there, and you're right.

My stepson's had a few girlfriends and female friends - some I've liked, some not so much, and one or two have left me staring, open-mouthed and thinking 'why?' This particular girl I instantly liked. I don't know if there's something more there, because I've gone though some really tough things with her, such as her parents' messy divorce and the death of her grandma, or maybe it's just because she accepted me, and turned to me - I just don't know, but she's left a mark. The sadness you mentioned that comes with the break up - that's it, spot on.

My stepson does know that I'm meeting her - for me, it would have felt wrong keeping it from him, although I wouldn't have told his current girlfriend, for the fear of fallout. As it happens, he knew anyway, as does his girlfriend. The former girlfriend had already asked if he minded her asking me to meet up, and she was worried about treading on his toes.

Knightsuntold

chickenmama wrote: »

OP - I don't normally comment much in this forum although I do read it alot. After reading this thread and the other thread re stepson's ex I have come to the conclusion that you are a lovely, genuine person wanting to do a nice thing for a good friend. I don't think it matters how you met this friend, you know how your relationship with the girl feels and you bought the gift based on that. Give the gift.

Thank you so much - I try to be, I don't always manage it.

I'm taking the gift with me, but I will keep it in my bag, just in case anything feels off - I don't think it will, but you never know.

Knightsuntold

annandale wrote: »

Why do you need to judge whether to hand it over?

You've bought a present for someone, seriously what on earth is the problem with buying someone a necklace and then giving them it?

You either trust your own judgement on this one or you continue to go round in circles.

Not going round in circles at all - I've decided what I'm going to do.

Pop_Up_Pirate

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Thank you so much for this.

When she went to America, I fully expected the contact to peter out, as she found her feet, and built a new life for herself. To a degree, it has. At first, she was in touch every day, then every couple of days, then once a week, but it has settled into the current pattern for about the last two years. Her e-mails are funny, warm and I really look forward to reading them. Sometimes there are problems, and I do my best to help with those. She's a person I like and value.

My stepson doesn't have a problem with it at all, and is in touch with her himself, which I didn't realise. He's even picking her up from the airport, which his girlfriend knows and is ok about (I don't get that - I thought there would be screaming that could be heard on the moon, but apparently not...)

As much as I would love her to be with my stepson, it's not going to happen, and I wouldn't try and plot for it to. I think that there's too much water under the bridge, and they're different people now.

The girl broke up with your stepson, but is still in touch with him, accepting help when she comes over and is still in touch with you and accepting gifts from you?
Will she still do this when she settles down and gets married/has children? I doubt it as future man would probably not like that/

Both you and your stepson sound as though you still want something from this girl and are clinging on to what 'could be'.

annandale

You are going round in circles. You are going to take it in your bag and keep it there in case anything feels off? Why would anything feel off about handing over a present?

Knightsuntold

Pollycat wrote: »

This sounds like extremely odd behaviour from your friend.


Then they are not friends.
Friendship is a 2-way street.
You share the bad times and the good times with friends.

I supported a friend through a nightmare time, her partner was physically abusive and she used to ring me in the middle of the night and I'd run round to her house.
She moved on, got a new partner, pretty much dropped me from her circle of friends, then when things turned bad in her new relationship, she rang me for help.
I told her this:
"You share the bad times and the good times with friends. As you didn't want to share your good times with me, I'm not interested in your bad times. Find somebody else to offload onto."

Harsh?
Maybe, but I don't want or need users in my life.



As you've explained, seeing your thoughts in black & white helps you.
I also deal with things alone, I work things out inside of me.
A lot of my friends share their problems with me, I'm just not the type of person to do that reciprocally.
I don't see either of us as wrong, it's just how we are.

I didn't say you posted too much.
I merely made an observation that you seem to be having a number of issues in a short time.

It is odd behaviour from her, hence my original post. She can be a bit over-dramatic, but will usually explain why - even if I don't agree with it, I can get where she's coming from. On this one, I just don't get it at all.

Oh, to be that brave! Full respect to you. I can immediately think of three people that I wish I'd done this to. One is currently playing the 'marital difficulties' card on social media, and has messaged me, to ask why I haven't rang her, to see if she's ok. When she first got engaged, she asked what I thought, and I told her, in a nice way. She told me she didn't care what I thought, and it was my job to pick the pieces up when it all went wrong. Really....

You're right, neither of us is wrong, but I am over-sensitive. I'm sorry for reading too much into your comment. I know I come across on here as being totally open, and everything in the shop window, but the real life person isn't this - I'm fiercely private, so this is totally new to me. I am going to get it wrong, so all I can do is try not to, and say sorry quickly, when I do.

Knightsuntold

Cloudydaze wrote: »

Out of interest, how would you feel if it turns out that your husband HAD bought his PA the necklace (like she claimed)?

Would that have more significance than if he gave her a bottle of wine? Or would your comments of giving jewellery as presents still stand?

I'm not sure that it's comparable, but he did buy jewellery for all three PAs. I know, because I helped him to choose it, and I was with him when he bought it. When he had a male PA, we bought him a watch.

Pollycat

Knightsuntold wrote: »

You're right, neither of us is wrong, but I am over-sensitive. I'm sorry for reading too much into your comment. I know I come across on here as being totally open, and everything in the shop window, but the real life person isn't this - I'm fiercely private, so this is totally new to me. I am going to get it wrong, so all I can do is try not to, and say sorry quickly, when I do.

I think you've probably found an outlet here on MSE and are airing your thoughts.

My comment wasn't really intended to 'scare you off' so if it did come across that way, I'm sorry. I wasn't insinuating that you were fabricating these issues.

Do think seriously about having a cull of your 'friends'.
A good friend of mine was sick of people dropping her when they have a man in their life and then just assuming she'll be free to go out for lunch, dinner, even on holiday with them when that relationship has ended.
She took my advice.
These people aren't really friends, they're just users.

Knightsuntold

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

The girl broke up with your stepson, but is still in touch with him, accepting help when she comes over and is still in touch with you and accepting gifts from you?
Will she still do this when she settles down and gets married/has children? I doubt it as future man would probably not like that/

Both you and your stepson sound as though you still want something from this girl and are clinging on to what 'could be'.

Not at all - we don't want anything from her, and there's no clinging on to 'what could be'. If she settles down, gets married, has children, and decides to bring them over to meet the people who were once a big part of her British life - that would be wonderful. Somehow, I can't imagine her being with someone who would have a narrow viewpoint, or resent an ex's family, but who knows... only time will tell that one.