Christmas present dilemma

Knightsuntold

rach_k wrote: »

I think your friend has made something complicated that doesn't need to be. The girl WAS your stepson's girlfriend but she also became a friend of yours. Just because she's no longer the girlfriend doesn't mean she isn't still your friend. I think that's quite a childish way to view relationships, especially as your stepson doesn't seem to mind. I wouldn't even be mentioning it to his current girlfriend - the ex is now a friend of yours who you meet up without them. The girlfriend has nothing to do with it.

I think so too. My friend has text to apologise, and then had another go... only my friend could turn an apology into another pop!

If my stepson did mind, I think it would be different. I'm lucky, as he seems to be relaxed over things like that. As for his girlfriend - bit of an unknown quantity at the moment, so it's proceed with extreme caution at all times.

Knightsuntold

justme111 wrote: »

All sounds good to me. Apart from 2 small things - you thinking about "gauging" your son's response to your meeting - what do you need(want) to gauge?
And her wanting to meet , as you say , "us". Just in case she means your son as well. I am not sure how good idea it would be. I would say if they were to meet then they can organise it themselves , better if you are not involved in any way. Or alternatively he can come with his gf - somehow I guess this option will not be chosen:D
I indeed would tell the son she is coming and I am seeing her but just as info only , not expecting him to react.

The 'us' in that context was my partner and I, and the gauge bit was to see if my stepson wanted to come with us, organise something himself, or keep well out of the way. I really don't know what he will choose - he's interested, but that might only be from the safety of distance. I think you're absolutely spot on that gf option would not be chosen - I can't think why...

Yes, that's the plan. I'm seeing him tonight, and I really just want to relax and have a bit of a laugh with him.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

My boyfriend is still in touch with the parents of his ex of some years ago; they send him a card and nice gift each Christmas. I've met them as his current girlfriend and had a civilised chat over a cuppa. Some people do seem to want to make everything in life into a drama when it needn't be!

As long as you know the girl well enough to be sure she won't feel slightly awkward with an expensive and personal gift (ie it's clear you don't expect anything of reciprocal value) then it's a lovely gesture.

justme111

To be fair to new gf not many of us would like to meet our present partners exes for recreational purposes and the vast majority would raise eyebrows at this suggestion.
Btw in my opinion his only honourable option is to keep out of the way.

Primrose

Go with your instincts if you feel she has become a good friend. Jewellery however is a very personal gift and I wonder if your stepson (or his girlfriend) might be a little unnerved by that. Perhaps something less "longterm personal" like a good book, perfume or a nice accessory scarf would mark your your relationship without it looking manipulative in any way.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

We have a similar situation - one son was with a partner for more years than some people stay married. She was part of our life and is also seen as a friend of ours now they have split up.

The break was handled very maturely and both are now with lovely new partners. Whenever she is in our area, she calls in and visits.

I don't see any reason to cut her out of our life because they have both moved on with their lives.

These days you can stay Facebook friends with someone at a casual level where you know what they're up to and get to say 'congrats!' at their achievements, milestones etc. but without being too deeply involved. I really think that's a better way to go with the exes of close friends and family if you like them as an individual and would be sorry to never hear from them again.

I think its a bit inconsiderate to the stepson to keep in such close contact and share so much. Her primary relationship was with him, they were only very young, it was 3 years not 30, they decided to end it and from the sounds of it he hasn't chosen to stay in contact with her, certainly not to anything like the extent that his former stepmother has, but she's still a big presence in the background even though he's made a choice not to have her in his life anymore.

Knightsuntold

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

My boyfriend is still in touch with the parents of his ex of some years ago; they send him a card and nice gift each Christmas. I've met them as his current girlfriend and had a civilised chat over a cuppa. Some people do seem to want to make everything in life into a drama when it needn't be!

As long as you know the girl well enough to be sure she won't feel slightly awkward with an expensive and personal gift (ie it's clear you don't expect anything of reciprocal value) then it's a lovely gesture.

That's how I feel too, and I would welcome any new partner - I just want her to be happy. I do understand those that want a clean break and to move on, though - there's certainly nothing wrong with that, either.

She adores jewellery, and used to ransack my jewellery box on a regular basis. I'll take the gift with me, and keep it in my bag - if it feels at all 'wrong', I won't hand it over. She knows I wouldn't expect anything - they used to laugh at me, because my present list was always 'one box of After Eight mints' and that was it.

Knightsuntold

justme111 wrote: »

To be fair to new gf not many of us would like to meet our present partners exes for recreational purposes and the vast majority would raise eyebrows at this suggestion.
Btw in my opinion his only honourable option is to keep out of the way.

I know, and I remember how I felt when I was forced into it, because of my stepson. I was actually shocked to realise that I quite liked the woman, and we got on ok. Now I often spend the evening with my partner's ex, as she's married his best mate and we go out as a four - that was really weird at first, and not good for the confidence, as she's stunningly beautiful - long glossy shampoo ad hair, perfect figure, legs up to her neck. would look good in ripped bin bag... you get the picture. It was only when we heard them rowing in the car, and my partner wrapped his arms around me and said 'That takes me back - thank ***** I'm with you.' that things picked up for me. I was walking about 2' off the ground after that.

Yes, I think that will be the option my stepson takes.

Knightsuntold

Primrose wrote: »

Go with your instincts if you feel she has become a good friend. Jewellery however is a very personal gift and I wonder if your stepson (or his girlfriend) might be a little unnerved by that. Perhaps something less "longterm personal" like a good book, perfume or a nice accessory scarf would mark your your relationship without it looking manipulative in any way.

I don't think my stepson would mind me giving jewellery - it's always been my go-to gift for people, where I have some idea of their likes. A gift receipt is always enclosed, just in case. As for his girlfriend, I've met her twice in passing, and one unpleasant evening with her - she won't be influencing what I buy for someone who is now a friend first and foremost, and secondly my stepson's ex. I know her taste in jewellery, but would struggle with a book or perfume - I don't know if she would even wear a scarf. In what way would it look manipulative? I don't understand that,

annandale

Youve bought a gift for someone you are still in touch with. You are going to end up going around in circles here. You haven't bought her a merc, you've bought a piece of jewellery which I'm sure she'll like and appreciate. We all have opinions on here but it's how you feel that matters.