Christmas present dilemma

indsty

Of course you can buy her a present if you want to. She was an important addition to your life and still is. She keeps in touch regularly with you so she obviously feels you are important to her life. I would try and be aware of any changes in her contact with you - it may slowly decline as she moves on with her life in which case you should let that happen. On the other hand, she may see you as a bit of a "mum" figure and keep you in her life for ever.

Knightsuntold

PasturesNew wrote: »

How much is this jewellery? Just for the record ...

There's a world of difference between a shiny bracelet from Claire's and an 18ct gold diamond solitaire drop necklace from a bespoke designer...

I think the value, in part, is "the thing", not just what sector the gift comes from.

Overall, I think you're making a rod for your own back.... on many levels.

It's a £100 piece, that was reduced to £60 in the sale, but it will have significance for her. It's not a patch on what she received when she was in the family.

I'm interested in the rod for my own back comment - in what way?

PasturesNew

Knightsuntold wrote: »

I'm interested in the rod for my own back comment - in what way?

No relationship is in isolation. You're already finding other people are having opinions over your treatment of others you have a relationship with. In time this relationship will also spill into new relationships - what if she gets a new bf, husband, kids? What about if your stepson has a gf, gets married, has kids? What if either of them turn out to be gay and want to bring their new partner round ... and the other one's going to be there.

Nobody's saying you can't like her, can't keep in contact, can't keep in touch, can't buy her presents .... but, over time (a lifetime in fact) you have to also manage all your other relationships and how they develop ...

So, while it's great you like her, it is the type of relationship that has the ability to cause rifts and squabbles in the coming years.

What if the value of her present is more, and the present better, than what you buy your stepson's gf/wife/partner in the future?

You seem to have a lot of effort/emotion 'invested' in somebody that might 'upset' others at some point ... so just "go easy" on how much you are seen to be valuing her/spending on her.

With families/relationships it's not about who is wrong, or who is right - it's about how things make others feel.

Pricivius

Interesting... I come at this one from a different angle! My ex and I were together for 5 years before he decided to move abroad for work. We had spent quite a bit of time with his parents and I enjoyed their company. They are lovely people and great fun and I appreciated them welcoming me into their family. We shared some difficult times when they needed my help and support with a family matter and they were equally supportive when I went through a difficult bereavement.

When we split up, it was all very amicable - we were just going in different directions with our lives.

Since then, I have exchanged emails with his parents, updating them and they have updated me. I have visited them a couple of times when in the area and they met my new partner (weird as that may sound!). They remain the same lovely couple and I don't see why we should block each other out because their son moved away!

I received their christmas gift and card yesterday and I wrote their card last night and will arrange a gift shortly. I say do whatever you feel comfortable with.

Knightsuntold

indsty wrote: »

Of course you can buy her a present if you want to. She was an important addition to your life and still is. She keeps in touch regularly with you so she obviously feels you are important to her life. I would try and be aware of any changes in her contact with you - it may slowly decline as she moves on with her life in which case you should let that happen. On the other hand, she may see you as a bit of a "mum" figure and keep you in her life for ever.

To be honest, I'm surprised that she's kept the contact up for 3 years plus. I understood at first, as she was in a new place, new job and didn't know anyone. I expected it to lessen, as she found her feet and made new friends. It didn't. She has always driven the contact, and when I forgot to reply to one of her e-mails, she chased me up! Her relationship with her mum is quite poor, and has been seen the divorce - maybe there's a bit of a substitution thing going on.

rach_k

I think your friend has made something complicated that doesn't need to be. The girl WAS your stepson's girlfriend but she also became a friend of yours. Just because she's no longer the girlfriend doesn't mean she isn't still your friend. I think that's quite a childish way to view relationships, especially as your stepson doesn't seem to mind. I wouldn't even be mentioning it to his current girlfriend - the ex is now a friend of yours who you meet up without them. The girlfriend has nothing to do with it.

Knightsuntold

Mojisola wrote: »

We have a similar situation - one son was with a partner for more years than some people stay married. She was part of our life and is also seen as a friend of ours now they have split up.

The break was handled very maturely and both are now with lovely new partners. Whenever she is in our area, she calls in and visits.

I don't see any reason to cut her out of our life because they have both moved on with their lives.

This, I love!

I sometimes feel that I'm out on a limb with my family situation - I think it's a good thing, but many of my friends just don't get it, and it doesn't take much these days for me to feel wrong/stupid/ out of touch.

justme111

All sounds good to me. Apart from 2 small things - you thinking about "gauging" your son's response to your meeting - what do you need(want) to gauge?
And her wanting to meet , as you say , "us". Just in case she means your son as well. I am not sure how good idea it would be. I would say if they were to meet then they can organise it themselves , better if you are not involved in any way. Or alternatively he can come with his gf - somehow I guess this option will not be chosen:D
I indeed would tell the son she is coming and I am seeing her but just as info only , not expecting him to react.

Knightsuntold

PasturesNew wrote: »

No relationship is in isolation. You're already finding other people are having opinions over your treatment of others you have a relationship with. In time this relationship will also spill into new relationships - what if she gets a new bf, husband, kids? What about if your stepson has a gf, gets married, has kids? What if either of them turn out to be gay and want to bring their new partner round ... and the other one's going to be there.

Nobody's saying you can't like her, can't keep in contact, can't keep in touch, can't buy her presents .... but, over time (a lifetime in fact) you have to also manage all your other relationships and how they develop ...

So, while it's great you like her, it is the type of relationship that has the ability to cause rifts and squabbles in the coming years.

What if the value of her present is more, and the present better, than what you buy your stepson's gf/wife/partner in the future?

You seem to have a lot of effort/emotion 'invested' in somebody that might 'upset' others at some point ... so just "go easy" on how much you are seen to be valuing her/spending on her.

With families/relationships it's not about who is wrong, or who is right - it's about how things make others feel.

Interesting - thank you for clarifying.

I think the same can be said for any friendship/relationship. I really hope that she does get married, have kids, and the same with my stepson. I'd hope that anyone who came to our house would be treated in exactly the same way, as they're treated today. The one that had issue would be out, pretty damned quick - our house - our rules.

The reality is that any friendship/relationship has the ability to cause rifts and squabbles in the future, sometimes from the most unexpected quarters. All you can do is hope that anyone around you holds the same values and respect as you do, or you trust no one, and have a very lonely life indeed.

To be fair, what I/we choose to spend on someone, is no one else's business, but generally, stepson's girlfriend and my good/best friends would receive a similar amount.

As a matter of interest, for whose benefit should I go easy? Who is looking or is interested in how much I value her as a person, or spend on her? That is a genuine question, and I'm not trying to difficult.

Knightsuntold

Pricivius wrote: »

Interesting... I come at this one from a different angle! My ex and I were together for 5 years before he decided to move abroad for work. We had spent quite a bit of time with his parents and I enjoyed their company. They are lovely people and great fun and I appreciated them welcoming me into their family. We shared some difficult times when they needed my help and support with a family matter and they were equally supportive when I went through a difficult bereavement.

When we split up, it was all very amicable - we were just going in different directions with our lives.

Since then, I have exchanged emails with his parents, updating them and they have updated me. I have visited them a couple of times when in the area and they met my new partner (weird as that may sound!). They remain the same lovely couple and I don't see why we should block each other out because their son moved away!

I received their christmas gift and card yesterday and I wrote their card last night and will arrange a gift shortly. I say do whatever you feel comfortable with.

Thank you!

I've done both. My ex that cheated, well, I had nothing to do with any of them once I found out, but it had never been a strong relationship with them anyway. His mum was still caught up with his fiancee that had died. She had a huge oil painting of them from the day they got engaged, hanging above the fire. Every time I visited, she would go on about about how lovely this girl had been. At the time I kept my mouth shut, because she was old and obviously grieving. Funny to think she was probably only a few years older than I am now.

My main ex has a lovely mum, and I'd hate to think of life without her, or any animosity. We get on so well, and have such a laugh. One top lady.