Christmas present dilemma

thorsoak

As the mother of 4 - now grown-up - children, I found it very difficult to react to some of their one-time girl/boy friends. Particularly hard when it was the first girl/boyfriend, from teenage years.

The hardest relationship to come to terms with is the first serious friend of the opposite sex - the relationship that lasts more than a couple of months, up to a two or three years. In these circumstance you accept that you have another member of the family - coming along on days out/maybe a day at Christmas/Easter, getting to know another family - and then wham - it's over, and the relationship with another girl/boy that you've treated as a member of the family is no longer.

I've had to comfort one son and daughter when the other person was the instigator of the break-up whilst feeling sad - and almost feeling more sad when daughter/son has been the person doing the breaking up.

In a couple of cases, I still hear from the girls concerned and am happy to hear about their careers, their families and pass news on to the sons who are also happily married and happy in their careers in front of their partners - but I'm talking about boy/girl relationships of over 15-25 years ago.

All I would suggest is that you arrange to meet the girl on her own and say nothing to your stepson when he is with his current girlfriend.

Knightsuntold

Pollycat wrote: »

Why didn't you ask her to explain what the message might be? And why she thought it would be wrong?

I can see nothing wrong with you buying her a gift.

You do seem to be having a lot of 'issues' in a short time period.

I did ask, and she blustered a bit, then picked up her bag, and left. She text to apologise later on, and then said exactly the same thing again, but wouldn't explain what she meant.

I don't see anything wrong in buying a gift either, but I hate upsetting anyone, especially if I don't understand what's going on, or I feel as though I've missed something.

Yep, you're right on the issues, but some are inter-linked, and at the moment, I'm doubting my own judgement on so many things. One thing I've realised over the last couple of years is that the close friends I thought I had, are only close one way - and that way is when they have problems. On here, seeing things in black and white helps to clarify my thought process. I can read something and think 'no way', 'yes, that's what I thought' or 'I hadn't even thought of that, but it has merit' and I love that. When people put what they've been through, and how they felt, it helps me to realise that things happen to other people, and it's ok to feel the way I do. I've never had that. I've always dealt with things alone.

But that's two posts on the bounce that suggest that people feel that I post too much/have too many problems, so maybe this isn't the place I thought it was, and it's time to bow out.

Knightsuntold

melanzana wrote: »

Me neither. But I hope OP just gives the present anyway.

I don't really see the issue here at all. But maybe that's just me.

I didn't understand the issue that my friend had, either - hence the original post. I'm taking the gift with me, but I'll judge whether to hand it over, when I'm there.

chickenmama

OP - I don't normally comment much in this forum although I do read it alot. After reading this thread and the other thread re stepson's ex I have come to the conclusion that you are a lovely, genuine person wanting to do a nice thing for a good friend. I don't think it matters how you met this friend, you know how your relationship with the girl feels and you bought the gift based on that. Give the gift.

annandale

Why do you need to judge whether to hand it over?

You've bought a present for someone, seriously what on earth is the problem with buying someone a necklace and then giving them it?

You either trust your own judgement on this one or you continue to go round in circles.

Knightsuntold

barbiedoll wrote: »

When I split up with my ex-husband, I used to see his mum for tea every so often, at her invitation. She told me that even though I wasn't his wife any longer, I'd always be her daughter-in-law, and that wasn't going to change. I was very touched when she bought me a gift for my first Christmas post-separation, it wasn't expensive but it was clear that a lot of thought had gone into it.

To be honest, I only let the relationship slide because I didn't think it was fair on his new girlfriend (an old flame from school, his mum was very upset as she thought she was a "nutter" lol!) and it was difficult for me to talk about him with her, without letting her know why we had split (he was a violent drunk)

It was a shame, she was a lovely woman and her and my mum also got on very well together. If my marriage hadn't been so ghastly, I probably would have stayed in touch with her.

OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with you having a friendship with this girl. It doesn't sound as though you're plotting to get her and your stepson back together (you're not, are you?) and if he's cool with it, then it's no-one else's business. If your friend is going to be crabby, then don't talk to her about it!

Thank you so much for this.

When she went to America, I fully expected the contact to peter out, as she found her feet, and built a new life for herself. To a degree, it has. At first, she was in touch every day, then every couple of days, then once a week, but it has settled into the current pattern for about the last two years. Her e-mails are funny, warm and I really look forward to reading them. Sometimes there are problems, and I do my best to help with those. She's a person I like and value.

My stepson doesn't have a problem with it at all, and is in touch with her himself, which I didn't realise. He's even picking her up from the airport, which his girlfriend knows and is ok about (I don't get that - I thought there would be screaming that could be heard on the moon, but apparently not...)

As much as I would love her to be with my stepson, it's not going to happen, and I wouldn't try and plot for it to. I think that there's too much water under the bridge, and they're different people now.

Pollycat

Knightsuntold wrote: »

I did ask, and she blustered a bit, then picked up her bag, and left. She text to apologise later on, and then said exactly the same thing again, but wouldn't explain what she meant.

I don't see anything wrong in buying a gift either, but I hate upsetting anyone, especially if I don't understand what's going on, or I feel as though I've missed something.

This sounds like extremely odd behaviour from your friend.

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Yep, you're right on the issues, but some are inter-linked, and at the moment, I'm doubting my own judgement on so many things. One thing I've realised over the last couple of years is that the close friends I thought I had, are only close one way - and that way is when they have problems.

Then they are not friends.
Friendship is a 2-way street.
You share the bad times and the good times with friends.

I supported a friend through a nightmare time, her partner was physically abusive and she used to ring me in the middle of the night and I'd run round to her house.
She moved on, got a new partner, pretty much dropped me from her circle of friends, then when things turned bad in her new relationship, she rang me for help.
I told her this:
"You share the bad times and the good times with friends. As you didn't want to share your good times with me, I'm not interested in your bad times. Find somebody else to offload onto."

Harsh?
Maybe, but I don't want or need users in my life.

Knightsuntold wrote: »

On here, seeing things in black and white helps to clarify my thought process. I can read something and think 'no way', 'yes, that's what I thought' or 'I hadn't even thought of that, but it has merit' and I love that. When people put what they've been through, and how they felt, it helps me to realise that things happen to other people, and it's ok to feel the way I do. I've never had that. I've always dealt with things alone.
But that's two posts on the bounce that suggest that people feel that I post too much/have too many problems, so maybe this isn't the place I thought it was, and it's time to bow out.

As you've explained, seeing your thoughts in black & white helps you.
I also deal with things alone, I work things out inside of me.
A lot of my friends share their problems with me, I'm just not the type of person to do that reciprocally.
I don't see either of us as wrong, it's just how we are.

I didn't say you posted too much.
I merely made an observation that you seem to be having a number of issues in a short time.

Knightsuntold

ska_lover wrote: »

How will this work when the ex girlfriend gets a new partner - will the new beau find it strange that she is still hanging around her ex's family?

She won;t be hanging around with us - she lives in America now, and has a cracking career over there, so I can't see her coming back.

Knightsuntold

jackyann wrote: »

I think that some people cling to certain types of presents 'meaning' something.
It reminds me of Scarlet O'Hara's mother listing what presents a young lady mayor may not receive from a gentleman. Jewellery was considered an 'intimate' gift and I think that your friend is picking up that message.
However, I think that wine / chocolates seems odd to give someone living abroad ( the modern equivalent of Mrs. O'Hara's acceptable gifts of confectionary & Florida water) and I think that you are fond of this young woman, know her well, and should trust your own instincts.

My best mate definitely has a touch of the Scarlet O' Haras about her! Part of the jewellery thought process was that it was something small, and easy to take back with her. My best mate has jewellery for every present, and something else, as a surpise. I'll never forget the time I bought her a night in a really nice hotel, with dinner and spa treatments thrown, for her and her partner - she looked at me as though I'd given her a stale eccles cake in a tissue!

Knightsuntold

Pollycat wrote: »

WOW!
I buy a couple of my closest friends jewellery for their birthdays and Christmas, we go abroad to places that I can pick up unique items and they love that.

I've never, ever considered it to be an 'intimate' gift - and I'm pretty sure that they haven't either.

Same here, and although I don't receive a lot of it, I do love to receive jewellery too. I've never thought of it as an intimate gift, but I could see why someone would - you do need to have a pretty good idea of their tastes to buy something they would like.