Christmas present dilemma

fairy_lights

Maybe your friend doesn't understand the nature of your relationship with the girl - does she know you've stayed in touch and are friends in your own right now?

Knightsuntold

duchy wrote: »

So long as you are clear that you see her as a family friend and it's the sort of gift you'd give to other family friends of similar standing then it's fine. If however you still see her as a prospective future daughter in law and your family friends don't get expensive presents then your friend may be right that you are giving the wrong message.
There's also the point that if she rocks up with nothing or a box of Matchmakers she may be embarrassed to be given an expensive gift by an ex boyfriend's mother.

Don't get me wrong - if I could choose a daughter in law, it would be her. She's exactly what I would want for my stepson, in every way. The thing is that I'm realistic enough to know it would never happen. They've both grown up and gone in different directions - they're no longer the same people, and even though they were so adult about the break up, and he would never have tried to stop her, I know she hurt him deeply by going.

I think she may be closer to the daughter I never had, than just a family friend, if that makes sense. Mind you, she makes more of an effort than any of our family friends. I don't think she'd be embarrassed by the gift, but you right, I don't really know. Hmmmm... more thought needed.

Knightsuntold

fiscalfreckles wrote: »

I don't see any harm in this, as you say, the girl has become a good friend of yours. My only reservations would be if stepson has a problem with it, but I don't see it's anyone else's business.

He knows we're in contact and he asks if I've heard from her. He shows an interest, and always says give her my best, but that's it. I'm meeting him tonight, so I'll tell him that she's coming over, and we're planning to meet up. Gauge it from there, but I don't think there will be a problem.

maman

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Tell me about it! That's a whole different issue, and I don't know what the hell to do... do you know of anywhere that hires out riot shields?

I'm not disagreeing with what people have posted. It's up to you who you choose to have as a friend and whether you buy them presents.


It seems a lot of your time and thoughts are revolving around issues to do with stepson's GFs at the moment.


All I'd say (having browsed your other thread about the current girlfriend) is do try not to inflame an already poor situation between stepson and his current girlfriend.

Knightsuntold

fairy_lights wrote: »

Maybe your friend doesn't understand the nature of your relationship with the girl - does she know you've stayed in touch and are friends in your own right now?

Yes, I've told her. You know when you're going through a really bad patch, and you don't want to keep banging on about it, so you look for positive things to say? I sometimes talk about this girl's e-mails then, as they're full of funny stories, and generally nice things. Maybe I've bored her to death.

cats2012

Hmmm I see this from the stepson's perspective, and his new GF. If he has broken up with her I think it is his life and you need to respect his new choices. I would find it very strange if my mum was still buying presents for my ex boyfriend, or if my husband's mother still bought for his ex.

Sad as it may seem - I see it as she was a key part of your stepson's life, not yours. At the very least check how he feels about it!

PasturesNew

How much is this jewellery? Just for the record ...

There's a world of difference between a shiny bracelet from Claire's and an 18ct gold diamond solitaire drop necklace from a bespoke designer...

I think the value, in part, is "the thing", not just what sector the gift comes from.

Overall, I think you're making a rod for your own back.... on many levels.

Knightsuntold

maman wrote: »

I'm not disagreeing with what people have posted. It's up to you who you choose to have as a friend and whether you buy them presents.


It seems a lot of your time and thoughts are revolving around issues to do with stepson's GFs at the moment.


All I'd say (having browsed your other thread about the current girlfriend) is do try not to inflame an already poor situation between stepson and his current girlfriend.

I know, and I'm very aware of that. I will tell him that she's over, and we're meeting up, but it's up to him what happens from there. If I'm in the girlfriend's company, I won't say a word, as it's just not fair on her, and a pound to a penny, she'll have a problem with it.

Mojisola

cats2012 wrote: »

Hmmm I see this from the stepson's perspective, and his new GF. If he has broken up with her I think it is his life and you need to respect his new choices. I would find it very strange if my mum was still buying presents for my ex boyfriend, or if my husband's mother still bought for his ex.

Sad as it may seem - I see it as she was a key part of your stepson's life, not yours.

We have a similar situation - one son was with a partner for more years than some people stay married. She was part of our life and is also seen as a friend of ours now they have split up.

The break was handled very maturely and both are now with lovely new partners. Whenever she is in our area, she calls in and visits.

I don't see any reason to cut her out of our life because they have both moved on with their lives.

Knightsuntold

cats2012 wrote: »

Hmmm I see this from the stepson's perspective, and his new GF. If he has broken up with her I think it is his life and you need to respect his new choices. I would find it very strange if my mum was still buying presents for my ex boyfriend, or if my husband's mother still bought for his ex.

Sad as it may seem - I see it as she was a key part of your stepson's life, not yours. At the very least check how he feels about it!

It is his life, and I do respect his choices. I've had my say about his girlfriend, much the same as he had his say when he met my new partner. Maybe I have a different perspective. I still buy presents for my ex's mum (stepson's nan), visit her and take her out for the odd day. I take her for any hospital appointments, or things that my ex can't make. I still buy a token present for my ex, and he buys a token present for my partner and I. Hell, he and his mum even come to us for Christmas dinner.

This girl was a key part in all our lives - she even lived with us for a while, when her own parent's marriage was breaking down. I like her as a person, and I don't see why I should lose that. Yes, it would be different if she'd cheated on him and broke his heart - she didn't. On top of that, if you follow the rule of the relationship has broken down, you can't have any more to do with them, I'd have been out on my ear - my stepson wanted shared residence and contact, and his dad was good enough to agree with it - I have no legal right to that, as I didn't adopt him.