OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

dktreesea

missbiggles1 wrote: »

In general (not necessarily this situation) because someone you love is interested and finds it important to them.

Sure, but I think everyone has their line in the sand. If your partner were interested in blood sports and you weren't, would you join him on the Hunt, just to participate? What if you were opposed to blood sports?


The world of bridge is full of partnerships where one partner has learnt the game just so they can be there with their partner who loves the game. The one who loves the game is forever disappointed because their partner will never be as good as them, so will always cause them to place lower than their natural ability would suggest.

kelpie35

Happy New Year Zippy

Hope all your dreams and wishes come true for 2017

jackieblack

How's the new job going zippy?
Hope you're getting on ok

Primrose

Yes, I was wondering too. Expect it's probably felt a bit overwhelming getting used to learning new routine but hopefully the concentration has been a rather welcome distraction from all your other concerns.

zippy1997

Hi all.
Sorry for lack of updates.
Job has been going for over 2 weeks now. First week was awful! Being the newbie is never fun, specially when you haven't worked for 10 yrs! Luckily for me I wasn't the only one, a young lad was also joining at the same time. Starting week 3 seems easier, getting used to a routine and have even done some over time. The small group of people I work with are nice. I actually think I know where most things go now. Still weird when customers come up to you asking where something is - I look like a goldfish! Spluttering for words. Luckily that only happens for a couple of hours during 2 shifts before the shop closes. The 3rd shift I start when the shop closes so it's quite nice. There's another guy starting in 2 weeks for a shorter shift so that'll be good.

OH is moving out at the end of Jan. He's signed an agreement for a room. I have asked to see the agreement but he keeps making excuses. I only want to see it to give me peace of mind he is actually doing what he says he's doing. I mean, he's had over £400 for the deposit out of our savings so I feel I should have some sort of guarantee of where it's gone. Once he's left it's not my business.

DD is not bothered about him leaving. She even said she'd help! She said she hardly sees him any way so it probably won't be any different as they'll just text/email etc.. I know she's 16 but I find that sad.

His car passed his MOT & mine has failed. Need to do a quick (legal) fix and then look for another car during the yr. Not ideal but has to be done.

Been to see CAB, to be honest they didn't tell me anything I hadn't already read online. Very nice chap but felt the time was wasted.
Going to see a solicitor on Friday and have a list of questions, getting longer by the day. Paying for an hour of their time so don't want to waste it!

Have been having a mix of emotions daily, yesterday was a particularly bad day. Mixture of being tired, feeling crap because of the situation, the car failing MOT and then my new (monthly pay) phone not having the old (PAYG) number transferred over! The online chat for that pushed me over the edge! 3 days I've been waiting (and 2 online chats later...) so a trip to the store is in order as the chat people can't help me (another one tonight was honest about that!). Can't do that for 2 days as the car isn't ready until (late) tomorrow and I have to work early tomorrow evening.

I have said many times I accept my role in this situation. It's too late now to tell me what I should have done years ago.
I am dealing with things, slowly. For my own peace of mind. I referred myself to the local health place for counselling. Had an interview type session last week and am waiting to hear what kind of counselling they recommend (the guy there did suggest cognitive therapy as a possibility).
My family are being great and very helpful.

Once OH leaves I'll feel more relaxed. It's getting tense at times. I know we're not a couple any more but we still have children together not to mention joint finances - debts together. I want to trust him with the debts but he's making it difficult. One too many things don't add up. And he's not being forthcoming with any information. Getting his new address out of him was like blood out of a stone. Everything is his way or no way. That is not sitting well with me and making more angry every day.

The finances for me are coming together. I'm making plans and calculations and calling people. Once I've seen the solicitor I will have a clearer idea of things (and what i can and can't do type thing).

Things aren't as black and white as some people think they are. Not to mention when someone is at the bottom, telling them to just get up and get on with it won't help. Neither will molly coddling them. Somewhere in between is the best course of action.

I'll try to keep you updated. Thank you for all your advice. Good and bad!

Primrose

Glad you're surviving what is a very difficult time. But hopefully now you've dipped your toe in the water, work things will gradually get easier. I can't help feeling, like you, that your husband's reticence on his accommodation, etc is hiding something he is deliberately keeping from you, and perhaps has been for some time, but I guess now your marriage is virtually over, it's best to try and let it go.


I suggest you now start keeping your own counsel on how you move forward. Your husband is obviously not going to cooperate. Bad luck with the car. That can't have made your foray into the working world any easier.
Hang on in there! You've perhaps done the one of the hardest parts and that was finding a job. Hopefully this will help to build your confidence and I'm sure CBT Therapy will help. You're under a lot of pressure at the moment. Try and get some decent sleep if you can. It will help.

[Deleted User]

annandale wrote: »

There is something very wrong when you communicate wanting a divorce via email. Seriously start talking to one another.

If you can. The last words I remember from my ex were "If you're staying in the house, I'd like my share"

My ex then completely ignored me even though it was her that left, didn't even want to agree to a divorce - (I waited 2 years patiently for a 'no fault' arrangement). The Judge granted a divorce on the grounds of her 'unreasonable behaviour' anyway. Fortunately now many years ago, even though I believe she may have also influenced our now grown up son to avoid contact with me (haven't seen him for 4 years). Following a break of a few years, now been happy with the second Mrs Sleazy for many years, but would have liked a more amicable break-up from my ex given the choice.

Agree with the previous comments - try to sleep and do what you have to do to move on.

Spendless

Thanks for the update. You are getting there, slowly, small steps at a time. That's bad luck about your car, but just think your instinct was right about not taking a job that involved you needing it to travel from place to place in.

As for your husband well (IMO) he's either being cagey because he thinks it's none of your business, in which case ignore him and leave him to it, or he's hiding something, which you'll eventually find out and probably think you're well rid of him or he's using it as a way to control you. I have friends whose ex husbands do this to them, so don't let him.

kelpie35

So pleased to hear from you, thank you for the update.

You should be so proud of yourself with what you have achieved job wise in such a short space of time. I am sure it will help to boost your confidence and maybe you will be able to make a few friends there.

As for your OH not telling you anything, I personally think it is a way of trying to control you.

If I were you I would let him think you don't care, show him, in your own way, that you are counting the days to freedom.

I am sure that in a few weeks lots of things will come to light and you will realise that this is for the best.

Please take care of yourself and as others have suggested get plenty sleep.

Take care.

zippy1997

Primrose wrote: »

Glad you're surviving what is a very difficult time. But hopefully now you've dipped your toe in the water, work things will gradually get easier. I can't help feeling, like you, that your husband's reticence on his accommodation, etc is hiding something he is deliberately keeping from you, and perhaps has been for some time, but I guess now your marriage is virtually over, it's best to try and let it go.

Yes, I am trying to let it go. Once he actually moves out I will try to not care. I will be able to breathe and relax. I don't believe anything he says now. I don't believe what I've asked for (proof of agreement) is unreasonable when he's spending what is 'our' money. But as yet he won't give me details. Just his new address scribbled on the smallest sticky note you've ever seen!


I suggest you now start keeping your own counsel on how you move forward. Your husband is obviously not going to cooperate. Bad luck with the car. That can't have made your foray into the working world any easier.

We had a feeling it would fail (on something we already knew about) but there was just a glimmer of hope it would pass! Got the car back today ready for another yr. The mechanic is a fantastic guy. Does the best job as cheap as possible without scrimping on safety and/or quality.
I did have to walk to work yesterday, after checking my bike but the back tyre might need replacing and I didn't have any lights! So walking it was. It only takes about 25 mins and it's a pleasant walk so not too bad. OH did drop his car off at my work place and then he walked home so I didn't have to at midnight. It's times like that where is all nice and it's 'normal'. Then it goes back to weird again.

Hang on in there! You've perhaps done the one of the hardest parts and that was finding a job. Hopefully this will help to build your confidence and I'm sure CBT Therapy will help. You're under a lot of pressure at the moment. Try and get some decent sleep if you can. It will help.

Sleep is tricky right now. Finishing at midnight 3 times a week seems to have thrown me! When I finish on the work nights I can't go straight to sleep. That seems to hang over to the nights I don't work. I will need to make the effort to have early nights the ones I'm not working. Easier said than done!

At the moment I'm doing over-time - about 3/4 hrs per week, which I need to think carefully about, as the money is nice (or will be!) but if claiming working tax credits/child tax credits I need to work out how to declare it. I don't want to be overpaid credits. I would rather be underpaid. I was thinking of just adding the 3 hrs to my normal hours on the claim form and if I do them that's fine if not then that's fine too.