OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

Tiddlywinks

zippy1997 wrote: »

OH puts things off, he has always done that.......His tax return has been sitting here for 6 months, saying he has time. Well 31st Jan isn't so far away.... his bike was taken to bits a couple of weeks ago to look at something, it's still in bits in the garage...

Just let it go...

He does still have time to do his tax return and it's his problem if his bike is in bits in the garage.

Let him live his life to his timetable - and then he will live with the consequences.

Take a step back - you're not a 'couple' anymore - just two individuals that happen to share two kids and some financial interests.

swingaloo

I also think the OP is getting a hard time from some posters.

The point is that she feels excluded from her family because of the gaming. Im sure thats the case in a lot of families now. Gaming is so addictive, I have a friend with a husband who stays up nearly all night gaming and is then grumpy through lack of sleep.

Telling her to join in isnt the answer. if she was sitting doing cross stitch 12 hours a day would the same posters be saying her husband should take it up as well. Each to their own.

The problem here is that the OP has a very inconsiderate, selfish husband who shuts himself off. I game (Im female and middle aged) but I dont do it to the exclusion of my husband and family, its a spare time hobby.
Trouble is the OP has 3 children not 2.

Tiddlywinks

swingaloo wrote: »

The problem here is that the OP has a very inconsiderate, selfish husband who shuts himself off. I game (Im female and middle aged) but I dont do it to the exclusion of my husband and family, its a spare time hobby.
Trouble is the OP has 3 children not 2.

Really? I see it differently.

I see a relationship that has lacked any meaningful communication for years. The husband has retreated into a 'virtual world' to escape his real life woes. The wife has become very isolated from the world with no job, no outside interests or hobbies and so has only the household to occupy her time and conversation.

There's blame on both sides - men aren't always the villains of the piece.

The OP still sees herself as the victim whereas, in reality, she has just been passive and allowed life to happen around her without actively trying to address issues.

If her OH hadn't wanted 'out' then she'd still be bobbing along tolerating the gaming, lists etc.

Her OH has done them both a favour by acknowledging that they weren't living but purely just 'existing' and going through the motions.

Time for the OP to discover herself and start to enjoy life.

swingaloo

I do agree with a lot of what you say and there are failings on both sides but the OP has acknowledged that.

But it takes 2 people putting in effort to make a marriage work and even though they have both let communication slip the Op is now trying to talk. But how can you have an adult conversation with someone who just wants to bury his head in the sand and sit there shooting aliens or whatever.

He has now decided he wants out and seems to have just detached himself emotionally and thats it. Whatever the ins and outs the Op deserves better than that.

I cant understand the 'waiting to sort things out' and 'no rush'. aspect.
If my husband did the same after 20 years and refused to talk about it then his bag would be packed and him gone. All this delaying till we get next months money and him getting the savings is crazy. I would split the savings, tell him to go and then sort myself out work and benefit wise. what happens to him being able to afford his rent etc is his problem. He wants to go, its his choice so tell him to go. It cant be a comfortable existence waiting for him to make a decision. Time for the Op to start making a few rules of her own as he seems to be walking over her at the moment.

Tiddlywinks

swingaloo wrote: »

It cant be a comfortable existence waiting for him to make a decision. Time for the Op to start making a few rules of her own as he seems to be walking over her at the moment.

That's the crux of it, right there...

The OP is allowing herself to be walked over. It's not the husband's fault if his wife can't verbalise her wishes or doesn't have the conviction to act on them.

Even her kids ignored her when she wanted them to take their noisy gaming upstairs.

She needs to learn to recognise what she wants and then make it happen. At the moment she's a casual observer as life just happens around her.

Primrose

Could we please stop talk about Zippy as if she were an absent person from the room. She's having a difficult time at a particularly difficult time of the year when her life has been turned upside down and is working hard to try and pull the situation round.
She! s doing well and more ear bashing is not particularly helpful.

warby68

Duplicate post deleted dodgy wi-fi

ognum

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Disagreeing with someone is not bullying them!

It is not what you write it's the way you write it that constitutes bullying

warby68

Zippy, can I just send a big cyber hug

You're telling us the story of what seems like a very dysfunctional family situation which has developed over time and fully acknowledging your own faults.

Naturally you're hurting - you didn't see it coming - and panicking - as there is little leeway in the budget.

Plus its Christmas, time of year that puts problems under a huge spotlight.

I don't think you need beating up or to have to defend yourself any more than you have.

All the Boxing Day stuff about rushing and who pays what cost just seems like panic and you desparately trying to find justification for slowing things down to me. Really its just £400 less the petrol saving before you start to earn so not a big deal. A lot of relationships collapse and 2 households form overnight.

I say take the deepest breath you've ever taken and start to encourage him to leave rather than to stay. Split the savings to do this. Assert yourself in a way that reflects his rejection. You want him out now please and fully express your disappointment in him opting out of his responsibility to the dog.

I know its not what you want and a massive part of you wants to turn back time and make this never happen so you will probably have to fake it to make it. But getting him out allows you time to yourself and time to tackle your new job and other changes. Let him worry about the 'details' - he'll come running soon enough when its in his interests to get them sorted.

PS I actually think the gaming is a bit weird - an unhealthy level across 3 adults. Others seem to think its fine and you should join in. I'm one that doesn't see that as a fix.

PPS Getting yourself a job - immediately - is fantastic in the circumstances and shows what you are really capable of. When the chips came down you got going. Keep that up

jackieblack

Primrose wrote: »

Could we please stop talk about Zippy as if she were an absent person from the room. She's having a difficult time at a particularly difficult time of the year when her life has been turned upside down and is working hard to try and pull the situation round.
She! s doing well and more ear bashing is not particularly helpful.

Well said! :T