OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

dktreesea

zippy1997 wrote: »

I don't think he realises how long he'll be staying in someones spare room (renting I mean). If he's determined to leave that's fine. I will tell him I won't sell the house until DD is 18 - as mentioned by the solicitor, not just me being hard-arsed. The courts would vote that way as well if they got involved. I'll be contributing with the new job but won't be able to afford even half at the moment.
18months/2 yrs is a long time living in a bedroom. He could take more time if he wants. He won't, I know that, but I'll suggest it.

I am trying to take positives from him leaving. One of the biggest ones - strangely - is actually having a wardrobe I can fit MY clothes in. I don't have many and they're squished (literally) in one end of the wardrobe whereas he has the rest. I know he has work shirts/suit/trousers but he doesn't wear most of them, just the same ones over & over but refuses to chuck some out.
That's a random comment but it's bugged me for years.

Are you related to my OH, lol? I've got a wardrobe like your OH's. Clothes I will probably never wear again. I suppose they were quite expensive in the first place, too expensive to throw away. I get nagged to "do something" about my "mountain" of clothes, but I figured they don't bother me (they actually do, now) so why are people getting into a knot about how I use my space.....and communal space as I have noticed little piles here and there. OH's latest gripe on the subject is why have I got two coats and two cardigans in the car. Yes, definitely time to downsize The Pile.

dktreesea

zippy1997 wrote: »

Well, this morning I don't feel that relaxed tbh.

I asked OH this morning about the room he looked at. He said he's looked around some more online and can't see anything so will go for this one. He had neglected to tell me the price for the room had gone up to £400 per month, not adding in the price of petrol as it's further from work, although he says the car share this will help with that. So it's gone for £300/350 with virtually no petrol to £400 with some petrol.
That's not adding in food or anything else.

I said what I thought, that 2 months to effectively end 20 yrs (23 in total) of marriage is just rushing it. The bills are what they are, we have over the yrs tried to get the best deals, the debts can be a bit flexible and obviously food is flexible as well. But we're not even going to see if we can afford the £400, he just wants to do it, using the savings as a deposit, and then work around it. Which after thinking about it makes me a little angry. That savings money was put aside for a reason, which he agreed to I might add, now he's changing the goal posts.

He said this morning that he doesn't find it easy to talk to me about this, and I (sarcastically) said i'm sorry I can't turn off my emotions like he can, it's still only been a month and it'll take time. Not the right way to go about it I know that, but if we want honesty then why should I hide it. I know it has to be done - and want it to as it's getting tense and I am hating it - but I won't just hide how I feel as he finds it hard. It is what it is but don't expect me to just put up and shut up sweetly.
I also have the job to think about next week, which I'm bricking it about btw!
*sigh* we will get there, I just don't want to rush it and he does. Oh well.

Are these savings he's squirrelled away in his rainy day account for when he wants to use them? it seems to me the savings are half his half yours, so he should only take half, but after working with a few guys who had a lot of financial-type secrets from their wives, investment coins, gold, silver, accounts their wives never even knew about, the statements going to a post office box address, I wouldn't be surprised if he saw all the savings as his because, hey, he "earned" it.

time2getalife

Zippy I have read the whole thread and wanted to offer you a cyber hug. Just over 6 years ago I was in the same position that you now find yourself in.
It is a scary place to be when you didn't have a clue that your partner felt the way they did, and now want to leave. It feels as though your world is crashing down around your ears. I too seemed fixated on stuff others thought were silly , or unimportant but like you they seemed important to me.
You are doing well coping with everything in what is a stressful time for you and your family, in time you will look back and remember this time and be amazed how far you have come.
Life will be different for all of you and you will find out what works for you and your likes and dislikes as an individual. At the moment you are probably thinking how can I get through this but you will get through it and come out a stronger person. I am now a stronger person than i was. I suffered with depression within my marriage and for a few years after the break up but no longer have depression. I found out I quite like my own company and can do what I want.
So take time for yourself and to make sure your children are ok, and even your husband as even though this is his decision it probably was a scary decision for him to make. Hopefully you both can stay friends and support your children unfortunately that didn't happen with us. I wish you all the best with your new job and for 2017 and look forward to hear how everything pans out for you. Don't beat yourself up over what is happening right now just deal with the important stuff everything else can wait for now? Most importantly do look after yourself as a priority eat and sleep regularly. You can PM me if you want to.

dktreesea

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

You first need to look at the bigger picture. You have a roof over your head, you and your family are healthy, you are not starving and you can afford to pay the bills. That is not about to change - you are all safe and the world will keep turning.

The OP has already said she can't even afford to pay her half of the bills, let alone all of them.

missbiggles1

ognum wrote: »

It is not what you write it's the way you write it that constitutes bullying

I write in a very straightfoward style and don't do "cyberhugs" - sorry.

dktreesea

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Again - I feel like I've been transported back to the 1950s.




The OP could take an interest - read a few gaming magazines, join a few forums etc. How hard would that be? At least she could then have conversations about their hobbies.

Instead she has just decided to stay away from the subject and so has to accept that the distance that creates is of her own making.

But why would you take an interest in something that I am sure bores a fair few people to tears? Gaming is on my list.


My OH loves gardening. I can't stand gardening. If I wanted to go to a garden there's 2 parks and the botanics less than 20 minutes walk away.

dktreesea

zippy1997 wrote: »

I didn't say it was their fault I was excluded, just that I was. I will never choose to game, I don't like it. Simple as. I'm not going to pretend either. If they didn't do it as much we could do other stuff, but it's their life.

Hear, hear! :T


I did just try a little experiment though. My DS is in the middle of an online game with teams at the moment. So I went and sat next to him, lol, and told him as my gym monkey days are over I thought I would come and play on his team in the interests of family togetherness, building up a common interest and all that.


So, all his team are wired up to the same channel. He puts them on speaker, and tells them "Oh no, my Mum's here. She wants to join the game." I hear one of them reply: "Discourage her", and another one (cheeky s*d!) whom I've known since he was 5, say "This is your Mum we're talking about, right? Isn't she a bit old for gaming?"

Soworried

Read your full thread zippy but not posted.

Just want to send you all a hug. It will get easier in time and hopefully you all be happy. I'll keep reading.

2017 will be your change year xx

missbiggles1

dktreesea wrote: »

But why would you take an interest in something that I am sure bores a fair few people to tears? Gaming is on my list.


My OH loves gardening. I can't stand gardening. If I wanted to go to a garden there's 2 parks and the botanics less than 20 minutes walk away.

In general (not necessarily this situation) because someone you love is interested and finds it important to them.

Tiddlywinks

Yep - keep those virtual hugs coming - they are just what the OP needs.

It's that old adage -if someone has fallen down a deep hole, does it help them if people stand at the top and shout down 'hey hon, sorry you're down there. How unlucky for you. You don't deserve that. Don't worry, you'll get out soon. Things'll get better...' etc and then walk on by?

Or is it better to say: 'hey, you fell down that well because you were walking along blindfolded and now you're stuck because you won't take that blindfold off to look around for the ladder?'

Virtual hugs are great BUT they are just empty gestures.