OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

Soworried

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Yep - keep those virtual hugs coming - they are just what the OP needs.

It's that old adage -if someone has fallen down a deep hole, does it help them if people stand at the top and shout down 'hey hon, sorry you're down there. How unlucky for you. You don't deserve that. Don't worry, you'll get out soon. Things'll get better...' etc and then walk on by?

Or is it better to say: 'hey, you fell down that well because you were walking along blindfolded and now you're stuck because you won't take that blindfold off to look around for the ladder?'

Virtual hugs are great BUT they are just empty gestures.

You're taking two polar extremes.

What if it isn't black vs white?

You don't have to bash the OP to help her reach a forward thinking place. I get from your posts that your intentions are good, you're just pushing a bit too quick.

Virtual hugging isn't a bad thing. We some times need it.

justme111

Tiddlywinks, if only it was that simple as to unequivocally diagnose blindfolds from a couple of posts on the internet forum and make other to see them and remove them.

jackieblack

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Yep - keep those virtual hugs coming - they are just what the OP needs.

It's that old adage -if someone has fallen down a deep hole, does it help them if people stand at the top and shout down 'hey hon, sorry you're down there. How unlucky for you. You don't deserve that. Don't worry, you'll get out soon. Things'll get better...' etc and then walk on by?

Or is it better to say: 'hey, you fell down that well because you were walking along blindfolded and now you're stuck because you won't take that blindfold off to look around for the ladder?'

Virtual hugs are great BUT they are just empty gestures.

But if you've ever fallen down that hole you realise that it takes some time to catch your breath, come to terms with the fact that you've found yourself in the hole and to have a good look around, assess your options (and the pros and cons of each) and make a plan.

Having someone stand at the top of the hole telling you where (in their opinion) you went wrong is unhelpful. (Deep down and/or with hindsight you can probably work that out for yourself.)

Spendless

I wouldn't beat yourself up about not doing everything at home just because you weren't in paid employment.

I have a husband and 2 teenagers, my eldest is same age as your youngest. As recently as the first 6 months of this year I had 6 months out of work and had to keep reminding my family that Mum at home wasn't carte blanche for them to not move their plates from the table after eating, leaving their clothes all over the place and not helping out. Mum at home might do the lions share but she isn't a substitute house-elf.

warby68

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Yep - keep those virtual hugs coming - they are just what the OP needs.

It's that old adage -if someone has fallen down a deep hole, does it help them if people stand at the top and shout down 'hey hon, sorry you're down there. How unlucky for you. You don't deserve that. Don't worry, you'll get out soon. Things'll get better...' etc and then walk on by?

Or is it better to say: 'hey, you fell down that well because you were walking along blindfolded and now you're stuck because you won't take that blindfold off to look around for the ladder?'

Virtual hugs are great BUT they are just empty gestures.

Kindness isn't an empty gesture and most people are offering advice here as well as the hug.

Tiddlywinks

warby68 wrote: »

Kindness isn't an empty gesture and most people are offering advice here as well as the hug.

Ever heard of the phrase 'killing her with kindness?'.

Sometimes the truth hurts but is a necessary pain.

The OP has consistently presented herself as a victim and that is not the case. She is clearly (from HER descriptions of events) a passive individual and sees these events as things that are happening to her rather than recognise the fact that she has contributed to the situation. Until she recognises her part in the end result she will continue to see herself as the victim... which is not going to help her is it?

Simply posting 'hugs to you hun' or 'aw, hun, he's so mean' is not really any help at all.

warby68

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Ever heard of the phrase 'killing her with kindness?'.

Sometimes the truth hurts but is a necessary pain.

The OP has consistently presented herself as a victim and that is not the case. She is clearly (from HER descriptions of events) a passive individual and sees these events as things that are happening to her rather than recognise the fact that she has contributed to the situation. Until she recognises her part in the end result she will continue to see herself as the victim... which is not going to help her is it?

Simply posting 'hugs to you hun' or 'aw, hun, he's so mean' is not really any help at all.

I've read it differently to you then - the OP seems quite aware of her part in things to me although sadly too late to fix.

I agree with your last line but haven't really seen much of that here.

I'm not a fan of ganging up and kicking someone who's already down - that's all.

jayII

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Ever heard of the phrase 'killing her with kindness?'.

Sometimes the truth hurts but is a necessary pain.

The OP has consistently presented herself as a victim and that is not the case. She is clearly (from HER descriptions of events) a passive individual and sees these events as things that are happening to her rather than recognise the fact that she has contributed to the situation. Until she recognises her part in the end result she will continue to see herself as the victim... which is not going to help her is it?

Simply posting 'hugs to you hun' or 'aw, hun, he's so mean' is not really any help at all.

You're implying that the OP is stupid and unable to work out the problems, and her role in causing them, out for herself. Your manner towards her is also derogatory and belittling-- not exactly helpful to someone who is clearly vulnerable and lacking in self-confidence, is it?!

Zippy has already stated that she is partly using this thread to talk because it is difficult to talk too much to the people in her 'real life'. In such situations, it is actually very helpful to have the odd supportive 'hugs' comment, particularly from someone who has experienced a similar situation.

In my experience, there is nothing less helpful than being told 'the problems are your fault and you need to get your act together', particularly when the OP is in the midst of emotional turmoil, in shock and just trying to get through the next few weeks.

We're all entitled to our opinions, but you are repeatedly telling other posters that what they are saying is wrong and that you know better than anyone else here, which is a bit bizarre.

By the way, which 'aw hun he's so mean' comment? I haven't seen that one.

missbiggles1

warby68 wrote: »

I've read it differently to you then - the OP seems quite aware of her part in things to me although sadly too late to fix.

I agree with your last line but haven't really seen much of that here.

I'm not a fan of ganging up and kicking someone who's already down - that's all.

There's only a couple of us who've been putting forward the "non hugging" point of view which makes a very small gang.

Tiddlywinks

warby68 wrote: »

I've read it differently to you then - the OP seems quite aware of her part in things to me although sadly too late to fix.

Hmm - Phrases such as 'I know I'm always getting it wrong' or similar are usually less designed to acknowledge responsibility and more about gaining sympathy from the audience. It's a 'poorly me' mechanism intended to deflect critical responses.

warby68 wrote: »

I'm not a fan of ganging up and kicking someone who's already down - that's all.

In one example the OP is venting about the fact that her husband and children are all excluding her because they 'game' and she doesn't want to.

That is a classic example of where she sees herself as the victim when, in fact, she herself says she has no wish to play the games and has no intention to try to show an interest in order to find common ground.... so, she hasn't been excluded - she has chosen not to be involved. There's a very important distinction between the two.

Is it wrong to point out that she is not being excluded by her family? Or should we say: "you're absolutely right - they are ganging together and you are right to feel got at" because that fits with the OP's perception?