OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

missbiggles1 wrote: »

But he's at work full time and and you don't have a job - why aren't you the one doing the "little jobs"?

I do most of the work around the house, I decorated DD's bedroom on my own, the main bedroom last yr without to much help from him. I wash the cars, sort the garden plus all the usual household stuff. I don't just sit waiting for him to come home. Once he comes home he doesn't have to do anything in the evening. Apart from eat dinner.
There are things he's better at and some of them are part of his job so he does them quite quickly - that's the type of little jobs I mean. He's more patient so some things are better done by him.

missbiggles1

zippy1997 wrote: »

I didn't say it was their fault I was excluded, just that I was. I will never choose to game, I don't like it. Simple as. I'm not going to pretend either. If they didn't do it as much we could do other stuff, but it's their life.

You're still using the word "excluded" which implies it's something they are doing to you, whereas the fact is that you don't choose to join in. Nothing wrong with that, your choice, but don't keep seeing yourself as the victim.

zippy1997

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Again - I feel like I've been transported back to the 1950s.




The OP could take an interest - read a few gaming magazines, join a few forums etc. How hard would that be? At least she could then have conversations about their hobbies.

Instead she has just decided to stay away from the subject and so has to accept that the distance that creates is of her own making.

Oh I've tried talking to them, they explain things and I listen. Not sure I can fake it or want to. It's boring. To me. And why should I have to? I know other people who have hobbies but don't do them every waking minute. It is what it is and has got worse over the years. OH has taken his decision and I will be free from his hobby, he can then spend 24/7 gaming if he wants.

missbiggles1

zippy1997 wrote: »

I do most of the work around the house, I decorated DD's bedroom on my own, the main bedroom last yr without to much help from him. I wash the cars, sort the garden plus all the usual household stuff. I don't just sit waiting for him to come home. Once he comes home he doesn't have to do anything in the evening. Apart from eat dinner.
There are things he's better at and some of them are part of his job so he does them quite quickly - that's the type of little jobs I mean. He's more patient so some things are better done by him.

Most people do that stuff on top of a full day's work!

zippy1997

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Leaving aside the stereotyping, you're ignoring the fact that the OP doesn't work and her husband has a full time job and yet she still expects him to do "little jobs" around the house in his free time.

Little jobs that he's better at. I do a lot, as you mention, I don't work so I do them. Plus what father/husband doesn't do little jobs around the house? OH doesn't like house maintenance at the best of times so when he moves out he'll be happier and will probably love renting.
I know he works full time, hence the reason I do a lot of everything.

Plus I know, from the past experience of doing work 10 yrs ago, that me working would make no different to him doing little jobs around the house. I worked and still did pretty much everything. He's just not interested in house stuff.

zippy1997

missbiggles1 wrote: »

You're still using the word "excluded" which implies it's something they are doing to you, whereas the fact is that you don't choose to join in. Nothing wrong with that, your choice, but don't keep seeing yourself as the victim.

OK wrong choice of wording. I'm excluding myself.

ognum

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Most people do that stuff on top of a full day's work!

I have read most of this thread but not commented. At this point though to me it appears some posters are beginning to bully the OP rather than being helpful.

The OP and her partner created their lifestyle, that has come to and end and she knows it has to change. There is no need to be aggressive about it.

zippy1997

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Most people do that stuff on top of a full day's work!

Yes they do, I am aware of that, I was just mentioning because you seem to think I'm a lazy bum not doing anything while expecting my OH to do little jobs around the house like a normal husband/father/home owner.
I will leave it here.

missbiggles1

ognum wrote: »

I have read most of this thread but not commented. At this point though to me it appears some posters are beginning to bully the OP rather than being helpful.

The OP and her partner created their lifestyle, that has come to and end and she knows it has to change. There is no need to be aggressive about it.

Disagreeing with someone is not bullying them!

zippy1997

I feel I need to clarify some things.

OH is good at some things, i'm better at others. We do some things together as that works for us. (like washing the windows, I wash he holds the ladder). I don't expect him to do a full days work then come home and do DIY. I'm talking about little jobs at the weekend that he can do better and in less time than me - and make a better job of them!

OH puts things off, he has always done that. House maintenance is one of them. He hates it. His tax return has been sitting here for 6 months, saying he has time. Well 31st Jan isn't so far away.... his bike was taken to bits a couple of weeks ago to look at something, it's still in bits in the garage...
I mention things to do around the house, he asked me to make a list so he could work through it at his leisure. It's still on the fridge with 90% left to do. He even added things he thinks need doing to that list. I've given up even mentioning it.

But he's leaving now. I will be working through the list myself after he's gone. It might not look good, or I might mess up, but I'll do them. There are some things we'll need to pay to have done (hob gas pipe being one of them) and will need to budget for that. They need to be done. OH has always said if he can do them why pay someone.

I'm the sort of person who wants to fix something beforeit goes wrong, not wait for it to happen! OH is the opposite.

I am aware I have contributed a lot to the problems in this marriage. I know a lot has to change and it will. I can't ignore things any more.
One of the changes is starting work next week. One step at a time.