OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

But it's not 23 years 'down the pan' is it?

You have two healthy children in extended education so they obviously have drive and enthusiasm for the future.
Yes that is true. They are doing well. I will encourage DD (particularly, as DS has a very good idea what he wants to do) to do what she loves and it's not in stone for life, and she can be who/what she wants to be. I have regrets and don't want her to repeat them.

Plus, you have considerable equity in your house which you will be able to use as a deposit on something new or to rent until you have a more established career.
'Career' with my (lack of!) qualifications is stretching it, but I do hope to actually do something with my life work wise eventually, that actually means something.


Oh come on now really? Does that 'I'll make everyone feel sorry for me by playing the weak damsel' routine ever work for you?
Strangely enough I don't need sympathy right now no. I'd like constructive advice rather than 'belt up' which if I could do overnight I would, but telling someone to do it doesn't work like that.

You've managed to run a successful household, raise two children and have now secured a job - it's time to start seeing yourself as an individual grown-up and not just someone else's wife or mother.
Actually true, and possibly where my issues come from. Putting pressure on myself to be good at it.

Yes, it's easy to say and harder to achieve but resorting to passive / aggressive 'little old me' responses isn't going to help you with your fresh start.
I do understand that, but it's easy to say and harder to do.

New year - new you.... time to accept that your life is changing and you are the main person who can decide the direction and how happy you get to be. Not your OH or your kids - YOU.
I accept that comment and it's slowly coming into focus.

You can choose HOW you react to change that is being forced on you - you can either dither and worry over every detail (like who pays for a phone call to an energy company) or you can start thinking about the big stuff like using the link above to work out your OH's child maintenance contributions or planning what hobbies you might like to take up to give yourself some personal satisfaction.
I have looked at the link and worked it out. I didn't say I wouldn't. As for hobbies, well that will come after I get my self esteem back and actually think about it. Hopefully. If not I will enjoy being single and cooking what I want for dinner not what I'd think OH would like. (luckily DD and I like the same kind of foods so that's not an issue).

You first need to look at the bigger picture. You have a roof over your head, you and your family are healthy, you are not starving and you can afford to pay the bills. That is not about to change - you are all safe and the world will keep turning.

Yes I am lucky in that respect and I recognise that but different things set different people off. In time I will no doubt look back and think this was all worth it and he did me a favour, trouble is right now looking on the bright side isn't always in the forefront of my mind.

zippy1997

Pooky wrote: »

I think you're doing fantastically well and a wobble every now and then is to be expected. The practicle stuff all ties in with the emotional stuff and trying to separate them when you're the one going through it all can be so hard. It's very easy to look on as an outsider and see that another person might be making excuses or finding issues where there are none but in that state of heightened emotional termoil it all feels like the end of the world.

I've been on the other side, my mind was made up, the love had gone and I was emotionally ready to move on.

This is the stage my OH is. He's done and ready. I'm taking longer to get to it.

I hadn't expected it to hit my ex husband as much as it did and that made me shut off from talking to him about the important stuff. I didn't have a plan and pretty much muddled through for a while with the support of my family. It does all come together in the end though, I promise you. Just remember that you don't have to do anything in a time scale that doesn't suit you, you don't need to agree to any financial agreements just because it's better for the other person and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Good luck with your new job, it will give you the confidence and push to make your way through this and change your life.

Thank you, glad it worked out for you. I hope to look back on this and feel it came together in the end.

Spendless

missbiggles1 wrote: »

But you can work out what he should be paying based on the formula given, then you can work out what you need to be bringing in - not the other way round.

I *think* the point being made is that there isn't anything being brought in until payday at the end of Jan for the OP.

Why are the savings just being used for the deposit for husband? Wouldn't it be better to split them, partly for deposit and partly to get you through until the end of next month?

justme111

The last posts seem to discuss some financial details but if there is no comprehensive agreement or calculations re finances it makes no sense. So have "the talk " happened on Christmas eve or not )? I am concerned that with bottling in husband and tetchy op there will be no such an agreement and as a reslut someone will lose the patience and go solicitors guns blazing or do something else silly.
Op , you saying you can not calculate it now before you know what you will be bringing in - when people start work they usually know what their earnings would be or have the way to find out.

zippy1997

I do have a flat rate that I will be getting paid and can work out weekly (but paid monthly) yes so can put that down. There will possibly be extra for unsociable hrs but not sure how often so won't include that.
I just don't like to add things that aren't 'in hand' so to speak, as I should be earning it but haven't earned it yet...

At the moment it just seems OH talks when he wants to (normally when I'm doing something) and when I'm free he's doing something (read: gaming). Right now they're all gaming sitting at the dining room table. (yes all 3 computers are down here and it's getting quite noisy!). It's not a suitable time to talk for instance.

We have gone through lists of the bills and a list of who would need to be informed (eventually) and what to change - but will go through with a fine tooth comb hopefully tomorrow.
Benefits I can work out online but obviously can't fill in correct amounts until I know for sure and, I assume, until OH leaves? I will talk to OH about child maintenance (which is the basic rate weekly from what I filled in online but I have to check his exact wages). And we can go from there.

The savings were actually there as a safeguard for my car passing it's MOT (18 yrs old but still damn good for it's age) and it's a long story of why we needed that money. If it doesn't pass because of one particular reason then it might be better looking at a newer (old!) small car. But that's another conversation to have. We talked about a different car last yr but decided against it and got the motorbike instead.

zippy1997

Just wanted to say, I know I post about the gaming a lot, but they play it a LOT. Literally it's the only hobby OH has. *I say hobby it's more a lifestyle. And it does annoy me. Has done for yrs as it's got worse. DD isn't so bad as she does do other things, but even then it's YT videos. DS is just like his dad, gaming 24/7 if he could.

They don't have any other hobbies. So yes I am on the outside a lot and that does bother me. I don't like gaming and never will. It's like their little club and I am excluded. OH's mum had to take a short evening course (electronics) so she could actually participate in conversations between OH and his Dad!

So yes I have a bee in my bonnet about this.

Tiddlywinks

zippy1997 wrote: »

Right now they're all gaming sitting at the dining room table. (yes all 3 computers are down here and it's getting quite noisy!).

zippy1997 wrote: »

Just wanted to say, I know I post about the gaming a lot, but they play it a LOT. Literally it's the only hobby OH has. *I say hobby it's more a lifestyle. And it does annoy me. Has done for yrs as it's got worse. DD isn't so bad as she does do other things, but even then it's YT videos. DS is just like his dad, gaming 24/7 if he could.

They don't have any other hobbies. So yes I am on the outside a lot and that does bother me. I don't like gaming and never will. It's like their little club and I am excluded. OH's mum had to take a short evening course (electronics) so she could actually participate in conversations between OH and his Dad!

So yes I have a bee in my bonnet about this.

Let it go...

Your OH is moving out and your DS will be back to uni soon.

As a couple, you and OH appear to have had issues with communicating for years so it's no wonder your kids are following the trend by choosing to do their own thing and go online rather than talk to their family around the dinner table.

Even your response to the noise of them all 'gaming' at the table is to ignore it there but vent here.... why not just ask them to take the noise to their rooms or suggest you all go for a walk or play a board game as a family?

They're not mind readers and are not doing this stuff to annoy you.

Either tell them how you feel or suck it up... you have a choice.

Pollycat

zippy1997 wrote: »

Just wanted to say, I know I post about the gaming a lot, but they play it a LOT. Literally it's the only hobby OH has. *I say hobby it's more a lifestyle. And it does annoy me. Has done for yrs as it's got worse. DD isn't so bad as she does do other things, but even then it's YT videos. DS is just like his dad, gaming 24/7 if he could.

They don't have any other hobbies. So yes I am on the outside a lot and that does bother me. I don't like gaming and never will. It's like their little club and I am excluded. OH's mum had to take a short evening course (electronics) so she could actually participate in conversations between OH and his Dad!

So yes I have a bee in my bonnet about this.

I do sympathise with you.
My OH spends a lot of time in the study on his PC.
Not gaming but reading up on all sorts of stuff including financial reports.
But we do have a lot of investments in the stock market so I leave him to it.

He does play one game on his phone and I spend time on here but we have an agreement that when we're out or eating or watching TV that phones are taboo - unless it's something urgent.

Chin up.
You're doing OK.

zippy1997

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Let it go...

Your OH is moving out and your DS will be back to uni soon.

As a couple, you and OH appear to have had issues with communicating for years so it's no wonder your kids are following the trend by choosing to do their own thing and go online rather than talk to their family around the dinner table.

Even your response to the noise of them all 'gaming' at the table is to ignore it there but vent here.... why not just ask them to take the noise to their rooms or suggest you all go for a walk or play a board game as a family?

They're not mind readers and are not doing this stuff to annoy you.

Either tell them how you feel or suck it up... you have a choice.

Well venting here is my choice yes. They know about my feelings but choose to ignore them. They moved the computers down here this morning and will move them back later.
I did just take the dog for a long walk to get out the house. I've asked in the past and they say no. My DD and I did go out this morning shopping. No one else wanted to go but I did ask.
OH could take the dog out for a walk any time he wanted to but chooses not to. Dogs can never have enough walks.

zippy1997

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Let it go...

Your OH is moving out and your DS will be back to uni soon.

As a couple, you and OH appear to have had issues with communicating for years so it's no wonder your kids are following the trend by choosing to do their own thing and go online rather than talk to their family around the dinner table.

Even your response to the noise of them all 'gaming' at the table is to ignore it there but vent here.... why not just ask them to take the noise to their rooms or suggest you all go for a walk or play a board game as a family?

They're not mind readers and are not doing this stuff to annoy you.

Either tell them how you feel or suck it up... you have a choice.

Actually I wouldn't mind if they had other interests as well as the gaming but they don't.