OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

Just to add, I understand he wants out. I get that. I understand I'm probably not handling this the way I should. I do. My emotions are not helping here.
The bills are what they are. We just need to work out how to pay them and from where to where. Everything seems so disjointed and rushed, talking here and there about things. To do everything we need to do - in my opinion - properly - he needs to take a day off and we can go through/ring people without the kids in the way. The evenings and weekends are limited as people don't work and from next week we'll hardly be seeing each other as he works all day and I'll be at work most evenings.

missbiggles1

zippy1997 wrote: »

Well, this morning I don't feel that relaxed tbh.

I asked OH this morning about the room he looked at. He said he's looked around some more online and can't see anything so will go for this one. He had neglected to tell me the price for the room had gone up to £400 per month, not adding in the price of petrol as it's further from work, although he says the car share this will help with that. So it's gone for £300/350 with virtually no petrol to £400 with some petrol.
That's not adding in food or anything else.

I said what I thought, that 2 months to effectively end 20 yrs (23 in total) of marriage is just rushing it. The bills are what they are, we have over the yrs tried to get the best deals, the debts can be a bit flexible and obviously food is flexible as well. But we're not even going to see if we can afford the £400, he just wants to do it, using the savings as a deposit, and then work around it. Which after thinking about it makes me a little angry. That savings money was put aside for a reason, which he agreed to I might add, now he's changing the goal posts.

He said this morning that he doesn't find it easy to talk to me about this, and I (sarcastically) said i'm sorry I can't turn off my emotions like he can, it's still only been a month and it'll take time. Not the right way to go about it I know that, but if we want honesty then why should I hide it. I know it has to be done - and want it to as it's getting tense and I am hating it - but I won't just hide how I feel as he finds it hard. It is what it is but don't expect me to just put up and shut up sweetly.
I also have the job to think about next week, which I'm bricking it about btw!
*sigh* we will get there, I just don't want to rush it and he does. Oh well.

I don't think you should be working out the finances this way - so he has what's left over. You need to agree an appropriate level of child maintenance based on his salary.

https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/how-much-child-maintenance-should-i-pay

You can then add this to your earnings and benefits and then you will know what you have to live on.

zippy1997

Oh yes, once I have a wage coming in and we can see what I actually earn then we can go through and work the finances out better, but for now I am not contributing anything and won't until pay day at the end of Jan. That's why I didn't want to rush this moving out in Jan thing.

Give us time to work out what the wages will be and what the benefits are and how to work it out. But he wants to move out before the end of Jan so at the moment the bills are what they are and I can't pay any of them.

missbiggles1

zippy1997 wrote: »

Oh yes, once I have a wage coming in and we can see what I actually earn then we can go through and work the finances out better, but for now I am not contributing anything and won't until pay day at the end of Jan. That's why I didn't want to rush this moving out in Jan thing.

Give us time to work out what the wages will be and what the benefits are and how to work it out. But he wants to move out before the end of Jan so at the moment the bills are what they are and I can't pay any of them.

But you can work out what he should be paying based on the formula given, then you can work out what you need to be bringing in - not the other way round.

Tiddlywinks

zippy1997 wrote: »

To do everything we need to do - in my opinion - properly - he needs to take a day off and we can go through/ring people without the kids in the way. The evenings and weekends are limited as people don't work and from next week we'll hardly be seeing each other as he works all day and I'll be at work most evenings.

'Without the kids in the way'? They can just carry on 'gaming' in their rooms if you need to do stuff in private - don't create problems where none exist.

Anyway, who needs to be contacted? Why will it take two of you? You will be home during the day if necessary.

Don't rush to change accounts etc until after you have sorted a budget - there's plenty of time to do this.

Your OH hasn't said he won't keep up with the bills etc when he moves out - just calm down and let change happen and adapt as required.

zippy1997

It's just easier if the kids can't hear us if things get heated. But yes, that is putting an obstacle in the way that probably doesn't exist.

It won't take 2 at the time no, but will need to work out who contacts who etc. and would be easier if we were both there. OH also gets free calls as part of his phone package, whereas I'm PAYG, so obviously cheaper for him to ring than me (using home phone could also get expensive but use if nothing else).

I am trying to keep calm, really I am.

Tiddlywinks

zippy1997 wrote: »

It's just easier if the kids can't hear us if things get heated. But yes, that is putting an obstacle in the way that probably doesn't exist.

It won't take 2 at the time no, but will need to work out who contacts who etc. and would be easier if we were both there. OH also gets free calls as part of his phone package, whereas I'm PAYG, so obviously cheaper for him to ring than me (using home phone could also get expensive but use if nothing else).

I am trying to keep calm, really I am.

Honestly - you just sound silly now... calm down.

Who do you need to contact? You have loads of time to do this so why ruin Boxing Day by fixating on stuff that is way down the priority list?

You're both fully grown adults with a working household and some savings so why you're fannying around worrying about who pays for the calls is, frankly, laughable.

Are you determined to find problems / pick a fight with your OH? It certainly seems that way.

Don't try to force issues - get some perspective back.

zippy1997

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Honestly - you just sound silly now... calm down.
Thanks for that. Sorry I'm obviously not like you.

Who do you need to contact? You have loads of time to do this so why ruin Boxing Day by fixating on stuff that is way down the priority list?
Well he brought it up this morning so...

You're both fully grown adults with a working household and some savings so why you're fannying around worrying about who pays for the calls is, frankly, laughable.
I guess it comes across that way and to you it probably is laughable, to me it's not. It's a reality and the savings by the end of Jan probably won't be there, left with debts to pay that don't appear to be going down. We try hard to keep the bills down (elec/gas/phone) as the mthly payments change dramatically when the companies decide to put them up. If we didn't have debts I might be calmer but that's another added issue, one we've lived with and have been stressed by (caused by me I understand not having a job, I'm working on that).

Are you determined to find problems / pick a fight with your OH? It certainly seems that way.
No, believe it or not I'm not. I don't like fighting, probably the opposite, evading things so as not to pick a fight. I don't like things just dropped on me and expected to sort it out quick smart. I know things take time and am really trying to think that way. If I could handle it your way I wouldn't have asked for advice or going to see the Docs for counselling.

Don't try to force issues - get some perspective back.

Perspective is tricky right now, yes you think I'm dramatic and quite rightly say so in your posts, but all I see is a mess that needs to be sorted through. And 23 yrs down the pan.
I'm not trying to force anything, I have all sorts going round in my head and writing them down kind of helps. I am though trying to get answers out of OH. While trying to remain calm... and rational. Yes I am failing at that, one of my many failures. One of the many reasons I need help and am asking for it.
Think I'l take a break for a while, as you rightly say, Boxing Day is not the time.
Thank you.

Tiddlywinks

zippy1997 wrote: »

Perspective is tricky right now, yes you think I'm dramatic and quite rightly say so in your posts, but all I see is a mess that needs to be sorted through. And 23 yrs down the pan.

But it's not 23 years 'down the pan' is it?

You have two healthy children in extended education so they obviously have drive and enthusiasm for the future.

Plus, you have considerable equity in your house which you will be able to use as a deposit on something new or to rent until you have a more established career.

zippy1997 wrote: »

I'm not trying to force anything, I have all sorts going round in my head and writing them down kind of helps. I am though trying to get answers out of OH. While trying to remain calm... and rational. Yes I am failing at that, one of my many failures. One of the many reasons I need help and am asking for it.
Think I'l take a break for a while, as you rightly say, Boxing Day is not the time.
Thank you.

Oh come on now really? Does that 'I'll make everyone feel sorry for me by playing the weak damsel' routine ever work for you?

You've managed to run a successful household, raise two children and have now secured a job - it's time to start seeing yourself as an individual grown-up and not just someone else's wife or mother.

Yes, it's easy to say and harder to achieve but resorting to passive / aggressive 'little old me' responses isn't going to help you with your fresh start.

New year - new you.... time to accept that your life is changing and you are the main person who can decide the direction and how happy you get to be. Not your OH or your kids - YOU.

You can choose HOW you react to change that is being forced on you - you can either dither and worry over every detail (like who pays for a phone call to an energy company) or you can start thinking about the big stuff like using the link above to work out your OH's child maintenance contributions or planning what hobbies you might like to take up to give yourself some personal satisfaction.

You first need to look at the bigger picture. You have a roof over your head, you and your family are healthy, you are not starving and you can afford to pay the bills. That is not about to change - you are all safe and the world will keep turning.

Pooky

I think you're doing fantastically well and a wobble every now and then is to be expected. The practicle stuff all ties in with the emotional stuff and trying to separate them when you're the one going through it all can be so hard. It's very easy to look on as an outsider and see that another person might be making excuses or finding issues where there are none but in that state of heightened emotional termoil it all feels like the end of the world.

I've been on the other side, my mind was made up, the love had gone and I was emotionally ready to move on. I hadn't expected it to hit my ex husband as much as it did and that made me shut off from talking to him about the important stuff. I didn't have a plan and pretty much muddled through for a while with the support of my family. It does all come together in the end though, I promise you. Just remember that you don't have to do anything in a time scale that doesn't suit you, you don't need to agree to any financial agreements just because it's better for the other person and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Good luck with your new job, it will give you the confidence and push to make your way through this and change your life.