OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

Pollycat wrote: »

In this specific situation - i.e. where the man is determined that the relationship is over - I doubt many females would have suggested that the OP mess about on dating sites.
Dating sites aren't really my thing! Now or in the future I feel! For a lot of people they work i guess.
And with the intention of letting her partner know what she's doing?
Come on!
If you've read the thread, she's got more than enough on her plate than to play silly games.

As for 'never moving on' - again, if you've read the thread, you'll realise that in the first post the OP was worried that she didn't have a job and hadn't worked for almost 20 years.
Fast forward 3 weeks and she has got herself a job.
Of course, getting over a 20 year relationship that has produced 2 children is not going to be easy, but I think you're very wrong with your 'never'.

I will move on, just not as quick as maybe I should. I'll get used to being on my own, will have to learn to do things for myself and tbh I've surprised myself in the past few days doing just that. Still some things I'll need help with but we can work around them.
As for washing and cooking meals, if I were in that situation - especially as it's almost Christmas and the fact that he's looking at alternative accommodation - I'd like to keep things as amicable as possible.
Not only for the kids but for when the financial separation happens.

Yeah, can't see the point of withholding chores! It's not a problem.

If the OP took your suggestion, I doubt that this would happen:

I think the OP will come out of this a much stronger person than her partner.

It will take time but hopefully, for the kids sakes and future, we'll get there. Spending Xmas together this yr would be too awkward at our respective families but I'd like to get to the stage we can in the future.

zippy1997

There are a lot of things that have bothered me for yrs. But you learn to ignore them and try to keep them in proportion. I guess the overnight thing is more about communication - which we have enough problems with!

zippy1997

OH saw the room last night, but didn't elaborate whether he even liked it. It was late, DD was around and he obviously didn't feel like talking. He did say he needed time to think about it as he (obviously) hasn't been in this situation (renting) before. Not rush a decision.

Primrose

He may wel have found it a bit of a shock and not what he imagined the situation was going to be or perhaps his potential fellow occupants might not have been to his liking. I find it strange that he can't even share his thoughts on this but maybe you will learn more over the coming days.

I know Christmas will be very difficult for you this year but I hope you manage to get through the next few days OK and that by this time next year you will be able to look back and find yourself in a happier place. Hang on in there!

zippy1997

Primrose wrote: »

He may wel have found it a bit of a shock and not what he imagined the situation was going to be or perhaps his potential fellow occupants might not have been to his liking. I find it strange that he can't even share his thoughts on this but maybe you will learn more over the coming days.

Well apparently it was a room in a home, an older couple. He did look at (on the net) others that were room share type things very close to work and was advised against it by a colleague at work. I'll ask him tomorrow if he doesn't bring it up.

I know Christmas will be very difficult for you this year but I hope you manage to get through the next few days OK and that by this time you will be able to look back and find yourself in a happier place. Hang on in there!

I'm hoping tomorrow will be OK. My dad is hosting at his place so I don't have to worry about cooking! Just tidying up afterwards! Me and my sister normally tidy up for him - or try to!

I'm hoping next yr is better and we're in better places. At the moment we're trying to keep it civil but there's definitely tension in the air.
Onwards and upwards. Well that's the plan. Still have moments when I doubt it. A LOT of moments actually.

zippy1997

Merry Christmas to everyone and thank you for taking the time to offer advice - good AND bad - anything is helpful at this stage. :A
:xmassign:

whitewing

A peaceful Christmas to you zippy, and lots of love for the coming year.

zippy1997

Hope everyone had a lovely day. Actually quite a relaxed day today. Kids and I went to my Dads and had a great time. Gotta say I didn't miss OH at all. He could do what he wanted at home. Tomorrow is the reverse. He's out with the kids and I'm dog-sitting. Suits me.
I feel I'm getting better at this emotional thing. Moving past it. Onward and upward.

kelpie35

So pleased you had a nice time with you children at your dads.

You sound more relaxed.

On wards and upwards from now on.

Take care.

zippy1997

Well, this morning I don't feel that relaxed tbh.

I asked OH this morning about the room he looked at. He said he's looked around some more online and can't see anything so will go for this one. He had neglected to tell me the price for the room had gone up to £400 per month, not adding in the price of petrol as it's further from work, although he says the car share this will help with that. So it's gone for £300/350 with virtually no petrol to £400 with some petrol.
That's not adding in food or anything else.

I said what I thought, that 2 months to effectively end 20 yrs (23 in total) of marriage is just rushing it. The bills are what they are, we have over the yrs tried to get the best deals, the debts can be a bit flexible and obviously food is flexible as well. But we're not even going to see if we can afford the £400, he just wants to do it, using the savings as a deposit, and then work around it. Which after thinking about it makes me a little angry. That savings money was put aside for a reason, which he agreed to I might add, now he's changing the goal posts.

He said this morning that he doesn't find it easy to talk to me about this, and I (sarcastically) said i'm sorry I can't turn off my emotions like he can, it's still only been a month and it'll take time. Not the right way to go about it I know that, but if we want honesty then why should I hide it. I know it has to be done - and want it to as it's getting tense and I am hating it - but I won't just hide how I feel as he finds it hard. It is what it is but don't expect me to just put up and shut up sweetly.
I also have the job to think about next week, which I'm bricking it about btw!
*sigh* we will get there, I just don't want to rush it and he does. Oh well.