OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

Tiddlywinks

dktreesea wrote: »

Is it really fair for him to deprive his family of maybe £60 a week after taking into account things like eating at his other place of residence, plus the difference between the room rental and petrol/diesel?

Oh come on - this is the 21st century not the 19th!

His soon-to-be ex is able bodied and young so could get a full time job and his 'child' is 16 and at college.

To look at it another way... is it 'fair' that OP hasn't had a job for years even though the children are at an age where there is no need for full time parenting? Whereas her husband commutes at least 2 hours a day (sometimes double that with traffic) and has had to bear the stress of being the sole family provider for all that time?

Men are not always the bad guys you know?

dktreesea

justme111 wrote: »

Of course it is not fair , he ought to provide now till he drops dead and God forbid spend any money on himself even if it is for a bed sit :rotfl:

Except that he goes on about not having enough money for him and the OP to do something together. But hey, he earns it, so if he wants to spend it on himself heigh ho, why shouldn't he? Mmm, I was in that position, of my OH being the sole provider, after I had my first child. Never again! Cigarettes and his pleasure came first.


Men think it's okay to go out to work while their partner takes on the role of household skivvy and child care provider - underappreciated and unpaid. But hey, when they decide they've had enough after 20 years it's okay for them to move on and decimate the family funds in the process? The OP was saying they have quite a lot of debt. Well, it wasn't just the OP benefitting from the overspending, was it.


Yes, it's not okay for him to move out so he can have his "own time". He has a family. He needs to man up and be there until the youngest is out of education and earning.

missbiggles1

dktreesea wrote: »

Except that he goes on about not having enough money for him and the OP to do something together. But hey, he earns it, so if he wants to spend it on himself heigh ho, why shouldn't he? Mmm, I was in that position, of my OH being the sole provider, after I had my first child. Never again! Cigarettes and his pleasure came first.


Men think it's okay to go out to work while their partner takes on the role of household skivvy and child care provider - underappreciated and unpaid. But hey, when they decide they've had enough after 20 years it's okay for them to move on and decimate the family funds in the process? The OP was saying they have quite a lot of debt. Well, it wasn't just the OP benefitting from the overspending, was it.


Yes, it's not okay for him to move out so he can have his "own time". He has a family. He needs to man up and be there until the youngest is out of education and earning.

With two "children" of this age, there won't have been much childcare going on for years.

Tiddlywinks

dktreesea wrote: »

Men think it's okay to go out to work while their partner takes on the role of household skivvy and child care provider - underappreciated and unpaid. But hey, when they decide they've had enough after 20 years it's okay for them to move on and decimate the family funds in the process? The OP was saying they have quite a lot of debt. Well, it wasn't just the OP benefitting from the overspending, was it.


Yes, it's not okay for him to move out so he can have his "own time". He has a family. He needs to man up and be there until the youngest is out of education and earning.

Pitch forks at the ready girls - he's a man therefore he's clearly a wrong 'un!

Have I been transported back to the '40s?

Person_one

zippy1997 wrote: »

I hope so. I just want someone to talk to, not specifically to give advice just to listen. I don't feel I can just let rip (so to speak) to OH, or my family as they're already hearing enough. Sis has her own health issues and her OH's health going on. Really hope the Drs can help (suggestions - counselling etc..) when I (try to) go back on Friday. My mood changes at the minute quite frequently. Want the world to stop so I can hop off!

Have you tried Samaritans? This is exactly what they do, and you don't have to be suicidal to call. You can text or email if you prefer too, and at a lot of the branches you can turn up in person and have a cup of tea and a face to face chat with a sympathetic listener.

dktreesea

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Oh come on - this is the 21st century not the 19th!

His soon-to-be ex is able bodied and young so could get a full time job and his 'child' is 16 and at college.

To look at it another way... is it 'fair' that OP hasn't had a job for years even though the children are at an age where there is no need for full time parenting? Whereas her husband commutes at least 2 hours a day (sometimes double that with traffic) and has had to bear the stress of being the sole family provider for all that time?

Men are not always the bad guys you know?

I've always worked full time, and did, at the time, have a lot of sympathy for the guys who were the sole providers in their families and had wives who were part of the coffee mornings and tennis set group who didn't see work as something they should be doing. I'd go to Christmas do's and meet the wives who would be on about how their husbands had no ambition.


One year we had just bought a second property which of course, the guys would go home to their wives and moan at them about it (i.e. the wives were out spending instead of investing their hard earned money). After a while, you do see the two sides. They're not paying for childcare (neither were we, but we worked opposite hours so didn't need it), go home to a home cooked meal at night, don't get asked to supervise homework, go on school trips, go to the supermarket, clean the house etc.

zippy1997

Well got the call to go and sort paperwork out at the store this week for the job. Was beginning to worry they'd forgotten about me!

It's a start and one I'm apprehensive about as I've been out of the workplace for so long but hoping it makes a difference to me. Looking to build on it.

zippy1997

Feeling a little down today. Took the dog for a walk (as is my job) and started thinking too much. We got the dog as a family and it seems I'll be the only one left to look after it. That, I admit, was my fear when getting a dog. Now it's a reality.
ETA: I do know it's not the dogs fault.

whitewing

At least when you come back from your job the dog will be delighted to see you.

The uncertainty will always feel worse than the reality (in my experience). Be kind to yourself.

Primrose

Zippy. It's OK to admit to having low moments. Actually being able to confess to them publicly is a sign of strength that you are gradually becoming less vulnerable and growing more confident to share that vulnerability with others.


Emotionally you are slowly growing, whilst your husband who's locking up everything internally and seems to be incapable of opening up, is actually gradually shrinking more and more within himself. You may feel this is any great victory but give yourself a pat on the back for having the confidence to open up in this way. A few months ago that was something you didn't have. Little steps, but all going in the right direction.