OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

justme111

It would not affect your children at this stage , of course it does affect you more as you are one who has to deal with it and for whom it is personal.
I disagree with need to be angry , anger does not do good to anybody apart from solicitors.
Do not think it will be nice and rosy for him , he will not have a pot to !!!! in. Now his salary will have to be spread between two households ( his when ge moves out and yours) with priority being for a child not to have drop in living standards which will in practice mean you as well . As your earning potential is far less then his you will likely get most of equity in the house , you will likely have your standard of living to have much less affected then him , at least for a few years after divorce. He may have to live in a houseshare for quite a while and hopefully his not so sound by what you saying emotional condition will hold on with this massive stress to be able to maintain the job he does. See what solicitors say tomorrow. You will be stressed - of course , it is a massive change. You are doing g well x

justme111

Please do not be jealous of good time he has with children but instead create your own. These are the last minutes for him of a family bliss , it will be much more difficult once he moves out for him and unlikely to happen ever again - to have both of them under the same roof as he.

zippy1997

justme111 wrote: »

It would not affect your children at this stage , of course it does affect you more as you are one who has to deal with it and for whom it is personal.
I disagree with need to be angry , anger does not do good to anybody apart from solicitors.
Do not think it will be nice and rosy for him , he will not have a pot to !!!! in. Now his salary will have to be spread between two households ( his when ge moves out and yours) with priority being for a child not to have drop in living standards which will in practice mean you as well . As your earning potential is far less then his you will likely get most of equity in the house , you will likely have your standard of living to have much less affected then him , at least for a few years after divorce. He may have to live in a houseshare for quite a while and hopefully his not so sound by what you saying emotional condition will hold on with this massive stress to be able to maintain the job he does. See what solicitors say tomorrow. You will be stressed - of course , it is a massive change. You are doing g well x

Agree. I know anger is not good and hopefully it will pass. I don't feel it all the time. but I did this morning, hence the venting!

His emotional well-being could be helped if/when he does counselling. He has had that in the past, all be it phone stuff, and has been taught how to handle things. He compartmentalizes things. Good or bad.

I'll see what the solicitor says. It's only a 1/2 hr free appointment but hopefully will get an idea.

zippy1997

justme111 wrote: »

Please do not be jealous of good time he has with children but instead create your own. These are the last minutes for him of a family bliss , it will be much more difficult once he moves out for him and unlikely to happen ever again - to have both of them under the same roof as he.

Oh yeah, I understand that. It's not a new thing though, they're all gamers and I'm not. It's what they do and have in common. I'm kinda on the outside. If he spent time with them other than gaming it would be good too. Maybe that will happen.
But yes that's true.

Tiddlywinks

You aren't the victim here you know.

You have been an equal partner in a relationship that is now coming to an end.

You've had choices over the last 20 years - you could have worked. You could have studied. You could have retrained. You could have developed hobbies, joined groups etc. You could even have joined your husband in his love of gaming (the kids are sharing it with him online so he's not doing anything secret).

You have to accept that you were an active participant in your life and you have to take some responsibility for where you are now.

So what that you had to deal with the redundancies etc - so did your husband... whilst probably feeling the added stress of being the only breadwinner in the household. You see, there are always two sides to the story.

The debts? I bet that money largely went on the family and the borrowing wouldn't have been as high if there had been a second income into the budget.

It's taken two of you to get to the place you are now - that's all I'm saying... no judgements, just simple logic.

Remembering that might make the break up of assets etc less acrimonious.

thorsoak

Take a different tack, Zippy. Instead of feeling excluded and left out of your fracturing family circle, turn to your son or daughter and say "I don't understand what there is in your gaming that you enjoy so much- will you show me?" And sit down, let your children teach you, laugh at your mistakes, and establish a communication level.

Good luck for today x

dktreesea

Hi Zippy, I'm not surprised you are not interested in gaming. You're not alone - you and half the world!


Surely being interested in each other is a two way street? Your OH is into gaming, as are your children. As long as they are not doing it from the moment they walk in the door to the minute they go to bed, like addicts seem to do, I don't see why you should get involved in something that doesn't interest you. But if your OH can't be bothered to spend time with you, do things that appeal to you both etc, then is he the right person to waste the rest of your life on?

zippy1997

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

You aren't the victim here you know.

You have been an equal partner in a relationship that is now coming to an end.

You've had choices over the last 20 years - you could have worked. You could have studied. You could have retrained. You could have developed hobbies, joined groups etc. You could even have joined your husband in his love of gaming (the kids are sharing it with him online so he's not doing anything secret).

You have to accept that you were an active participant in your life and you have to take some responsibility for where you are now.
Yes I do. If I could change things over the years I would but it's no possible and I have to adapt to this. Hopefully now because of this situation, I can change and move on.

So what that you had to deal with the redundancies etc - so did your husband... whilst probably feeling the added stress of being the only breadwinner in the household. You see, there are always two sides to the story.
I didn't say there weren't 2 sides.

The debts? I bet that money largely went on the family and the borrowing wouldn't have been as high if there had been a second income into the budget.
Yes you are right. I have never said the debts were all his. But I will say, I, several times, wanted to do something constructive about dealing with them but he wouldn't budge.

It's taken two of you to get to the place you are now - that's all I'm saying... no judgements, just simple logic.
Oh, I know yes. I take my share of responsibility for sure. I've known for a while I needed a job but when you have low self esteem and little-to-no confidence it's hard to go out and do that.

Remembering that might make the break up of assets etc less acrimonious.

I have no issue with sorting out the assets. We have time as I don't think rushing it will be the way to go. OH isn't sure what's happening apart from him wanting to move out soon. Then we can take one thing at a time.

zippy1997

thorsoak wrote: »

Take a different tack, Zippy. Instead of feeling excluded and left out of your fracturing family circle, turn to your son or daughter and say "I don't understand what there is in your gaming that you enjoy so much- will you show me?" And sit down, let your children teach you, laugh at your mistakes, and establish a communication level.

Good luck for today x

Oh I've tried! I have. I do ask questions but they get so involved my eyes glaze over. I'm just not interested in gaming. They seem to do it a LOT. Most of their spare time, which is great for them. They enjoy it.

zippy1997

dktreesea wrote: »

Hi Zippy, I'm not surprised you are not interested in gaming. You're not alone - you and half the world!


Surely being interested in each other is a two way street? Your OH is into gaming, as are your children. As long as they are not doing it from the moment they walk in the door to the minute they go to bed, like addicts seem to do, I don't see why you should get involved in something that doesn't interest you.
Um, well that kinda does happen! Although my DD does watch YT and stuff, gaming does take a large chunk. OH can turn on his PC first thing and stay there all day, with food breaks, if he wanted. With my OH it's his escape, he doesn't have other hobbies (at the moment). His time on the PC might be about me as well. So. I'm hoping when he's on his own he does stop gaming so much. He can be himself and do other things.#

But if your OH can't be bothered to spend time with you, do things that appeal to you both etc, then is he the right person to waste the rest of your life on?

True. I have suggested in the past yr or 2 that now the kids are older and doing their own thing we can go do ours. His reply a lot is things cost money and we don't have it.
But yes, that's a good question.