OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

leespot

zippy1997 wrote: »

Yep, I need to start acting like an adult. I know what I need to do it's just doing it that's the scary part. Has to happen and will be happening. Just need to get to the acceptance stage like everyone else has.

OH did tell DD, who had one question - about the dog! - that the dog wouldn't be going anywhere. I can't think why he said that as he can't guarantee that in the future but there you go.

This is why he should have engaged with your fully before telling the kids - he's now put you in the position of being the bad one if you decide the dog has to be rehomed.

My partner would love a dog, but for me it just doesn't make sense. I work Mon-Fri and she works evenings and every other weekend, with overtime during some day shifts. I have no desire for looking after an animal that someone else wants whilst knowing they wouldn't be able to look after it. For you though, your daughter clearly wants the dog and now would be a good time to ask her to step up her responsibility in helping out with it.

zippy1997

leespot wrote: »

This is why he should have engaged with your fully before telling the kids - he's now put you in the position of being the bad one if you decide the dog has to be rehomed.
I did make it clear before that if we end up renting the dog might not be able to stay but my OH clearly didn't hear that! Unless he has another plan. I'd love to know....

My partner would love a dog, but for me it just doesn't make sense. I work Mon-Fri and she works evenings and every other weekend, with overtime during some day shifts. I have no desire for looking after an animal that someone else wants whilst knowing they wouldn't be able to look after it. For you though, your daughter clearly wants the dog and now would be a good time to ask her to step up her responsibility in helping out with it.

It's not ideal now no, but he's part of the family and I'll try my best to keep him here.
DD is pretty good with him, better than DS or even OH at the moment.

leespot

Just don't let your other half lay the blame at your door for any decision regarding the dog - he's the one who's decided to leave (and decided ages ago so he's had plenty of time to consider the dog too!)

zippy1997

leespot wrote: »

Just don't let your other half lay the blame at your door for any decision regarding the dog - he's the one who's decided to leave (and decided ages ago so he's had plenty of time to consider the dog too!)

Oh I won't. :cool:

zippy1997

Being totally honest I am partially angry at spending 20 yrs going through several (and I mean several) redundancies and poor pay with him, not to mention others he's left because he didn't like the jobs, and debts all that time, yet now he has a decent long standing job with promotion prospects that could last until retirement and he's off. We even talked about moving closer once DD had finished her studies.

After the divorce he will be able to live very comfortably with that new car we always wanted and never had, holidays abroad and brand new pc's every yr to play his games on. Yes I am jealous. Things we planned together won't happen together.

So yes that is selfish I know that, but for me I thought we were building a life together and that's squashed. And i know sh*t happens, I do, I really do. Guess I was a little naive there.
And I try to say to my daughter not to rush her decision about her career as it has to be the right one, although she can change careers down the line, not set in stone. I never had a clue what I wanted to do/be and now here I am.
Now I have to build my own life. And watch him relish in his.
Damn.
Sorry had to vent.

leespot

This is why you need to make sure you're covered legally. Make sure you are getting anything you deserve out of all this - he might have a head start financially (maybe not) but some of my most happy memories are from doing things that cost very little. The biggest gift of all is you get to be free from unhappiness.

kelpie35

It is good to see that you are becoming angry, and rightly so.

The anger will help you to see things that you possibly never saw before.

You now need to put yourself first.

Take time to think about what you really want now, see this as a great opportunity. News doors opening up for you, you deserve it.

Also make sure that you get enough financial help that you need.

DON'T think oh I don't deserve that amount, don't think that will be unfair I seem to have more than him.

All this has been thrown at you and you need to look after yourself first.

As for your children, they are now young adults, probably seen this happening to their friend, and will probably cope much better than you imagine. I know you still worry about them, you are their mum, and that is what mums do.

Take care

zippy1997

leespot wrote: »

This is why you need to make sure you're covered legally. Make sure you are getting anything you deserve out of all this - he might have a head start financially (maybe not) but some of my most happy memories are from doing things that cost very little. The biggest gift of all is you get to be free from unhappiness.

Oh yes i agree. I just needed a vent! Can't tell my OH or my kids tbh.
I'm quite as simple person really, I don't need a lot of money. I don't have a shoe collection (2 pairs of trainers!), clothes coming out of my ears or jewelry etc...

Hopefully once I'm settled in the future I will enjoy life again. Seems a long way off!

zippy1997

kelpie35 wrote: »

It is good to see that you are becoming angry, and rightly so.

The anger will help you to see things that you possibly never saw before.

You now need to put yourself first.

Take time to think about what you really want now, see this as a great opportunity. News doors opening up for you, you deserve it.

Also make sure that you get enough financial help that you need.

DON'T think oh I don't deserve that amount, don't think that will be unfair I seem to have more than him.

All this has been thrown at you and you need to look after yourself first.

As for your children, they are now young adults, probably seen this happening to their friend, and will probably cope much better than you imagine. I know you still worry about them, you are their mum, and that is what mums do.

Take care

Thank you.

I needed to vent!
I guess I'm also angry because the debts we have now are similar to what we had in our 1st house. That time my parents generously. bailed us out so we could buy this bigger place for our growing family.

I feel like I've let them down now. My dad would never say it and they insisted on giving us the money but in hindsight we should have said no and dealt with it ourselves. I've wanted to deal with the debts here for a few yrs but always been told (by OH) we can do it ourselves. Most of the debts are in his name so I couldn't do anything without his say-so. That's angered me A LOT.

The kids will be OK, I see that now. They're not showing any signs of being affected! I'm envious! My DD did say most of her friends parents are divorced so.... she does have people she can talk to there.

I am taking responsibility (and been honest with my family about my issues) for my part in all this but he won't really acknowledge his part. Which basically makes me think he blames me. Although he keeps saying it's him, how he feels etc...detached... His parents don't know his issues (past) and probably think it's me. That makes me angry! They helped shape the way he is but he won't tell them.
We've decided to do Xmas separately. Me to my dads with kids on Xmas day, then him with kids to his parents Boxing day (both already planned). I couldn't handle his parents (and Gt. Aunt). And my sister might snap on Xmas Day! She is not impressed at the moment! But will stay out of it.

jamiehelsinki

You must have known there were issues in your marriage though, I can't imagine he would want out if it was mostly happy. I doubt it's about money for him.

Part of me felt guilt about leaving my marriage but I couldn't go on living with her, I went through a mix of emotions when I left but knew it was for the best.