OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

jackieblack wrote: »

Hi zippy :wave:
I've been following your thread since the start, alot of what you've posted is very familiar, I was in a very similar situation this time two years ago. DD was in first term at Uni.

Ex-husband was spending all his spare time either playing computer games or on his phone. I knew he had been fed up with his job. OH loves his job and sees that as an escape

Just before Christmas, out of the blue, he decided that our life together wasn't what he wanted any more, told me he wasn't happy and he wanted to 'be on his own'. We had been together 24 years. He couldn't/wouldn't tell me why, or in what ways, he wasn't happy and wasn't interested in trying to resolve this, saying it was 'too late'.
(How do you go from 'happy' to 'too late' without any inkling or effort to resolve any problems?) Well sadly in our case we've always had underlying problems but I didn't think it was this serious. I have explained that anything we did before was just a band aid over the top but that makes no difference now

I suspected he was having some kind of mid-life crisis and asked him not to make any decisions with permanent repercussions over something that might be temporary/fleeting. He was adamant that he wasn't. I haven't even suggested a mid life crisis. I do think he just got to a place he couldn't handle things any more

We all had a horrible Christmas with ex drinking heavily and going out (and staying out) a lot, totally unlike his usual behaviour.
He left in the January. DD was totally devastated. The first thing he did was to buy a motorbike he'd had his eye on for a while.Luckily for me neither of us drink, so we can't dip down that route, and OH already has a motorbike! Although in this weather and the distance to work he won't use it.

In the May he told me that he wasn't happy. Nothing had worked out how he'd thought. (:wall:)
I told him that he'd caused an awful lot of upset to an awful lot of people and that the very least he owed everyone was to work out how to be happy in this new life that he'd chosen. The new life that he'd wanted so badly that he was prepared to break up our family life and devaste our daughter for. I feel the same, however old the kids are it's still a shock.

Two years on we are divorced. With help from my parents I got to keep our home, although this was only possible because ex agreed to accept much less than he was legally entitled to. That's very lucky for you and I envy you. Unless I got a very good job and OH took on the debts on his own I am nowhere near keeping our home after a divorce.

We are on reasonable terms. I made a decision that it would benefit no-one for us to be hostile with each other. That's my feeling too. It will only hurt the kids - and us - in the long run

Much to my surprise I have discovered that I actually like living alone! The toilet seat is always down, things stay where I put them, and I sleep so much better now ex's snoring is 10 miles away . Haha! The toilet seat has never been a problem here but OH does snore sometimes, he was last night! I have a feeling living alone won't bother me in that sense, it's having someone to share stuff with I'll miss. DD will do her own thing, DS is already doing that.
I have been on holiday alone, twice, and have flights booked for next Easter. Good for you! Wish I had that confidence. Maybe I will one day.

One difference between our situations is that I already had a part-time job that I had been in for 12 years (now almost 14) I have been able to get a few extra hours and receive a small amount in tax credits.

I wish I had done that sooner. But I couldn't do it. I shut myself away. Main reason I have no friends to speak of. I just kept myself to myself, thinking I was boring. I know that at some point I will have to look for a different job with more hours but while everything else has been so uncertain (divorce/finances/house situation only finalised a few weeks ago) my job has been one bit of continuity and security. The thought of having to go back out into the job market is, frankly, terrifying after so long in my current job. I haven't had a job interview in nearly 20 years and I was a different, more confident person back then!

Oh I hear you! I had my 1st job interview in 10 yrs last week and was petrified, I'd only had 2 before that and both times got the jobs! It has got easier and all 3 times they've offered me the jobs! That amazed me gotta say. At least you have a job, I have found that now I have a job to go to I am a little calmer and was better at the 2nd interview as it wasn't a make or break one. If that makes sense.
I admire the way you tackled that head on, congrats on the new job, it sounds just right for 'just now'.

Thank you. I think 'panicking' was the main thought tbh! I just looked at every job going and applied for so many I got confused! I've yet to start the job and am hoping I don't mess it up. I don't like messing up and letting people down. That's one of my issues. Failing.

I will continue to follow the thread and hoping everything works out well for you

Thank you! It's nice to hear a success story, although there are many on this board and I've read a LOT of them!
I am hoping to talk to my BIL's brother at some point to get another perspective as he has been in the same boat recently.

zippy1997

Well OH has gone to collect DS today. Then OH has said we should tell them once they're back. Oh joy. I'm dreading it tbh.

zippy1997

jackieblack wrote: »

Hi zippy :wave:
I've been following your thread since the start, alot of what you've posted is very familiar, I was in a very similar situation this time two years ago. DD was in first term at Uni.

Ex-husband was spending all his spare time either playing computer games or on his phone. I knew he had been fed up with his job.
Just before Christma, out of the blue, he decided that our life together wasn't what he wanted any more, told me he wasn't happy and he wanted to 'be on his own'. We had been together 24 years. He couldn't/wouldn't tell me why, or in what ways, he wasn't happy and wasn't interested in trying to resolve this, saying it was 'too late'.
(How do you go from 'happy' to 'too late' without any inkling or effort to resolve any problems?)

I suspected he was having some kind of mid-life crisis and asked him not to make any decisions with permanent repercussions over something that might be temporary/fleeting. He was adamant that he wasn't.
We all had a horrible Christmas with ex drinking heavily and going out (and staying out) a lot, totally unlike his usual behaviour.
He left in the January. DD was totally devastated. The first thing he did was to buy a motorbike he'd had his eye on for a while.

In the May he told me that he wasn't happy. Nothing had worked out how he'd thought. (:wall:)
I told him that he'd caused an awful lot of upset to an awful lot of people and that the very least he owed everyone was to work out how to be happy in this new life that he'd chosen. The new life that he'd wanted so badly that he was prepared to break up our family life and devaste our daughter for.

Two years on we are divorced. With help from my parents I got to keep our home, although this was only possible because ex agreed to accept much less than he was legally entitled to.

We are on reasonable terms. I made a decision that it would benefit no-one for us to be hostile with each other.

Much to my surprise I have discovered that I actually like living alone! The toilet seat is always down, things stay where I put them, and I sleep so much better now ex's snoring is 10 miles away .
I have been on holiday alone, twice, and have flights booked for next Easter.

One difference between our situations is that I already had a part-time job that I had been in for 12 years (now almost 14) I have been able to get a few extra hours and receive a small amount in tax credits. I know that at some point I will have to look for a different job with more hours but while everything else has been so uncertain (divorce/finances/house situation only finalised a few weeks ago) my job has been one bit of continuity and security. The thought of having to go back out into the job market is, frankly, terrifying after so long in my current job. I haven't had a job interview in nearly 20 years and I was a different, more confident person back then!
I admire the way you tackled that head on, congrats on the new job, it sounds just right for 'just now'.

I will continue to follow the thread and hoping everything works out well for you

How are the kids now? Do they have a good relationship with their dad?

Primrose

Zippy, if it all comes out today your children are going to have a lot of questions which need answers. Your husband can't be allowed to opt out of these difficult sessions and I hope in a way it may possibly force him to start thinking about his own future life in a way that somehow encompasses his children as well.


From everything you've said I'm wondering if he has always suffered from some form of autism, perhaps mildly, and probably never diagnosed, which has prevented him from being able to fully engage in a way in which normal people in relationships do.


I can only hope that you all manage to have a rational discussion. It's obviously not going to make for a very happy family Christmas. Have you discussed at all how you are planning to spend it and things you can possibly do to make things easier if this is all about to break? Because children are older, it will not make it any easier that their family life is going to be torn apart. They will probably feel betrayed and that everything they've ever enjoyed doing as a family was a falsehood based on a lie which is now about to be unveiled. I wonder if your husband has really thought about the impact this will have on the children. It does sound as if he's living in a "Me, Me" world where only his own feelings have any validation.


If things really blow up seriously, is he prepared for an atmosphere so strained that he may be forced to move out before Christmas? Peoples' expectations of the festive season are often so overblown in terms of expecting all peace and contentment that something coming out of the blue like this may cause an emotional explosion he had not expected.

jackieblack

zippy1997 wrote: »

How are the kids now? Do they have a good relationship with their dad?

We just had one daughter. She wouldn't speak to him at all for the first 6 months. It upset him a lot as they had always been very close. I encouraged him to keep contact, mainly by text, just 'Hi, hope you're well and that your course is going okay' kind of stuff, nothing heavy and nothing that asked for a response.
When she came home for the summer she decided that she wanted to see him, but she didn't want him to come to the house so they met on neutral ground. The next time she went to see where he was living and, slowly, she started to thaw a bit. They've met up semi-regularly since then, but text fairly frequently. They will be spending Christmas Eve together next Saturday.
She says she'll never forgive him, but the fact I got to keep our home has helped their relationship a lot.
She's getting married in about 16 months time and has now decided that she does want him to give her away (she didn't initially) and we have agreed that he and I will sit together both during the ceremony and for the reception - we are, after all, both still her parents.

zippy1997

Primrose wrote: »

Zippy, if it all comes out today your children are going to have a lot of questions which need answers. Your husband can't be allowed to opt out of these difficult sessions and I hope in a way it may possibly force him to start thinking about his own future life in a way that somehow encompasses his children as well.
The only thing we have to tell them so far is he is planning on moving out in Jan/end Jan. Then one step at a time. I did say that the kids need to know he's still there for them even if not living here. He understands that but no I don't think he's thought things through.

From everything you've said I'm wondering if he has always suffered from some form of autism, perhaps mildly, and probably never diagnosed, which has prevented him from being able to fully engage in a way in which normal people in relationships do.
I don't know. He's always had a weird relationship with his parents, they're good people but not lovey dovey as such, specially his dad. His teenage years have caused a lot of issues I feel, that he never dealt with and has been bottling up.


I can only hope that you all manage to have a rational discussion.
So do I. I hope I won't burst into tears too quick. Although it won't be a bad thing, crying is never bad, I just don't want to lose it too much.

It's obviously not going to make for a very happy family Christmas. Have you discussed at all how you are planning to spend it and things you can possibly do to make things easier if this is all about to break?
Well both my family and his family still want us all to go to their respective places as usual. Not sure how I feel about that. I suppose I'll see how the kids are and then decide. At least if it's out in the open we can all behave naturally.

Because children are older, it will not make it any easier that their family life is going to be torn apart. They will probably feel betrayed and that everything they've ever enjoyed doing as a family was a falsehood based on a lie which is now about to be unveiled.
That's my feeling too.

I wonder if your husband has really thought about the impact this will have on the children. It does sound as if he's living in a "Me, Me" world where only his own feelings have any validation.
That I'm not sure about. He just needs to leave for his own sanity at this point I feel and no idea how we'll handle this.


If things really blow up seriously, is he prepared for an atmosphere so strained that he may be forced to move out before Christmas? Peoples' expectations of the festive season are often so overblown in terms of expecting all peace and contentment that something coming out of the blue like this may cause an emotional explosion he had not expected.

I don't think our kids are like that, but you never know. He has nowhere to go before Christmas that's the problem. His parents are in a retirement place too far away from his work. And he doesn't see the rest of his family. He's at work all week so we'll all have space to think. Both families are here for the kids if they need to talk away from us.

zippy1997

jackieblack wrote: »

We just had one daughter. She wouldn't speak to him at all for the first 6 months. It upset him a lot as they had always been very close. I encouraged him to keep contact, mainly by text, just 'Hi, hope you're well and that your course is going okay' kind of stuff, nothing heavy and nothing that asked for a response.
When she came home for the summer she decided that she wanted to see him, but she didn't want him to come to the house so they met on neutral ground. The next time she went to see where he was living and, slowly, she started to thaw a bit. They've met up semi-regularly since then, but text fairly frequently. They will be spending Christmas Eve together next Saturday.
She says she'll never forgive him, but the fact I got to keep our home has helped their relationship a lot.
She's getting married in about 16 months time and has now decided that she does want him to give her away (she didn't initially) and we have agreed that he and I will sit together both during the ceremony and for the reception - we are, after all, both still her parents.

That sounds rough for her. Glad she's making some peace with it for her wedding.
I have no idea how our 2 will react. Our DS should be OK - to a point - he'll go back to Uni and hopefully keep in contact with OH via skype, text email etc.... Our DD texts him regularly anyway so hopefully that won't change and they will be able to skype, email too.
As for the emotional side I have no idea. They have friends who have divorced parents but I guess they never thought it would happen to them.
My DD gets the bus with a friend who stays with her dad round our way. Hopefully she can talk to her.

zippy1997

I'm rather calm at the moment.... don't know why given in a few hours we're going to drop a bombshell on our kids.

swingaloo

I think you are doing the right thing in telling the kids now. A few family members are already aware as well as one of his work colleagues and it would be awful if the kids heard it from somewhere else first or even if they thought they were the last to know.

My son was 20 when my marriage ended and he found it very difficult. In some ways its easier when they are younger but of course there is never a 'right' time.

When the kids ask questions as they obviously will be careful that you dont take the full responsibility of trying to answer them. As he has made the decision I think that 'Ask your dad' would be a good response to some of the questions. Dont let him drop the bomb and then walk away into his room whilst you deal with the fallout alone.

Good luck. x

Tiddlywinks

Let's not derail the thread by throwing in suspicions of affairs and addiction...

It just doesn't matter.

Regardless of the reason, the husband wants a divorce and the OP needs to accept that decision and deal with the consequences. Sadly, sometimes people want out of relationships and no amount of accusations and navel inspections will change that.

The OP is doing the right thing in finding a job and planning a future for herself - the 'whys and wherefores' of her husband's decision to want 'out' are redundant.