OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

smallholdingsister

Just wanted to pop in and say "God Bless" and I am rooting for you. X

zippy1997

Primrose wrote: »

I suspect your husband has developed an addiction to gaming and is now beginning g to live a life that is totally divorced from reality. His refusal to face up to the real realities of how best your debts can be reduced shows he is increasingly absenting himself from real world realities.

It sounds as if he doesn,t even really care about the wellbeing of his children or the dog. I think he will go from bad to worse whatever happens to him unless he gets some professional help for his addiction although I'm sure he will deny he has a problem.

Maybe you should suggest he needs to start training for his new life apart from you by doing his own washing, ironing and cooking. It seems to me, despite what you say, it as if his real laid back "couldn't care less attitude towards children and dog is coming out. The children will guess what's going on and should be out out of their misery. Perhaps he would like to spend Christmas living in a dreary bed sitter for a dose of what this reality of freedom is really going to be like.

I hope you re taking steps to keep your earnings in a bank account in your own name. He's clearly starting to live in La La land as far as any family responsibilities are concerned. Separating is probably your best option. He runs the risks of becoming a middle aged weirdo who sits at his computer gaming every spare moment and has lost the ability to socially interact with anybody. And once he gets this reputation perhaps even his continued employment will be at risk as he increasingly loses touch with reality. Have you suggested to him that he could be depressed and may need medical help ?

Gaming for him is his hobby. He doesn't do anything else. He doesn't watch TV or films any more. He uploads them on YT, like they do now.

We did have a quick chat this evening, mainly as I walked into his room and he quickly hid his phone. Therefore starting a conversation from me accusing him of hiding things. He admitted he was talking to a colleague from work who had asked how he was. (she's gay btw so no nothing going on there). I said I have no problem with him talking to people as long as they're discreet and he doesn't go too deep as I don't even know them. Seems a bit too personal. Plus just be honest with me. Say he's talking to them. For me it's all about being honest. (which has been an issue between us for a long time*).He needs to talk to somebody and that's fine, just talk to me as well. He knows I talk to my family.

*it's a circle we have going on. He doesn't tell me everything then lets slip something, I think he's keeping secrets so next time he tells me even less, then I get the secrets thing.... and so on. We - I - know we need to work that out, hence my issues with going to the Dr and sorting them out with counselling.

He won't talk to his parents or even my family (my BIL has offered to be a sounding board if he just wants to rant/moan, and my BIL would keep it to himself, my sister doesn't want to know).

His thoughts are just about moving out then going from there. Taking things one step at a time. He did say something about moving back .. I said (and believe this tbh) that he won't. I said he needed to let our DD know he's still there for her, he said he will but I said it'll be different as you won't be here. He understands that.

I did say to him I think he needs therapy regardless of our situation, to move on himself, and he said he's gone through something at work and waiting to hear back. Hopefully he will do it. It obviously still affects him.

Everything has just come to a head and imploded. If he'd come to me earlier and said all this before detachment then maybe we could have done counselling (separately) earlier before getting to this stage. Oh well.

zippy1997

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Just wanted to pop in and say "God Bless" and I am rooting for you. X

Thank you. x

Caroline_a

Hi Zippy. I've been following your thread with interest and not commented up until now, but the episode with the phone rang a bell (no pun intended!) Do you think there's any possibility he has someone else? Everything else would point to that - wanting to live on his own, hiding his phone....

You obviously know him, sometimes it's the ones you least expect!

Spendless

Did you accept the b&q job? I've worked in a national DIY chain retailers twice, once in my 20s and again on an evening when my DS was a baby. Not sure when you are starting, but this time of year it's quiet (except the bank holidays). Their traditional busiest time is Easter. To me, it's the perfect job to ease you back into work, with potential for you to go in other directions such as pick up more hours or train in other areas (eg customer service role), and if you don't like it, time to look for something else. Care home you may love or hate, but it doesn't give you as much flexibility.

Primrose

Zippy, it sounds as if part of his life has been a secret for a long time. I'm not suggesting that he's having an affair but that he doesn't feel he is able to share his life and his concerns with you. This could possibly suggest that he does in some way feel slightly guilty about the way he's living his life or guilty about his inability or inadequacy to live a perceived "normal" life.

I suspect you're probably going to find it impossible to get him to open up now in any reasonable cooperative way so obviously your priorities are going to have to be to protect your own interests. This may mean you may have to resign yourself to playing your own cards a little closer to your chest and just keeping your future plans to yourself. Obviously there will be financial issues to be discussed but if he won't be open with you he has lost the right to be treated as an equal partner.

Can't you get a computer techie friend to put his computer out of action for a few days so he's forced to talk to his family ??

jackieblack

Hi zippy :wave:
I've been following your thread since the start, alot of what you've posted is very familiar, I was in a very similar situation this time two years ago. DD was in first term at Uni.

Ex-husband was spending all his spare time either playing computer games or on his phone. I knew he had been fed up with his job.
Just before Christma, out of the blue, he decided that our life together wasn't what he wanted any more, told me he wasn't happy and he wanted to 'be on his own'. We had been together 24 years. He couldn't/wouldn't tell me why, or in what ways, he wasn't happy and wasn't interested in trying to resolve this, saying it was 'too late'.
(How do you go from 'happy' to 'too late' without any inkling or effort to resolve any problems?)

I suspected he was having some kind of mid-life crisis and asked him not to make any decisions with permanent repercussions over something that might be temporary/fleeting. He was adamant that he wasn't.
We all had a horrible Christmas with ex drinking heavily and going out (and staying out) a lot, totally unlike his usual behaviour.
He left in the January. DD was totally devastated. The first thing he did was to buy a motorbike he'd had his eye on for a while.

In the May he told me that he wasn't happy. Nothing had worked out how he'd thought. (:wall:)
I told him that he'd caused an awful lot of upset to an awful lot of people and that the very least he owed everyone was to work out how to be happy in this new life that he'd chosen. The new life that he'd wanted so badly that he was prepared to break up our family life and devaste our daughter for.

Two years on we are divorced. With help from my parents I got to keep our home, although this was only possible because ex agreed to accept much less than he was legally entitled to.

We are on reasonable terms. I made a decision that it would benefit no-one for us to be hostile with each other.

Much to my surprise I have discovered that I actually like living alone! The toilet seat is always down, things stay where I put them, and I sleep so much better now ex's snoring is 10 miles away .
I have been on holiday alone, twice, and have flights booked for next Easter.

One difference between our situations is that I already had a part-time job that I had been in for 12 years (now almost 14) I have been able to get a few extra hours and receive a small amount in tax credits. I know that at some point I will have to look for a different job with more hours but while everything else has been so uncertain (divorce/finances/house situation only finalised a few weeks ago) my job has been one bit of continuity and security. The thought of having to go back out into the job market is, frankly, terrifying after so long in my current job. I haven't had a job interview in nearly 20 years and I was a different, more confident person back then!
I admire the way you tackled that head on, congrats on the new job, it sounds just right for 'just now'.

I will continue to follow the thread and hoping everything works out well for you

zippy1997

Caroline_a wrote: »

Hi Zippy. I've been following your thread with interest and not commented up until now, but the episode with the phone rang a bell (no pun intended!) Do you think there's any possibility he has someone else? Everything else would point to that - wanting to live on his own, hiding his phone....

You obviously know him, sometimes it's the ones you least expect!

I've asked him straight out and he says no. The lady he said he was texting (and talks a lot about from the office) is def a lesbian in a relationship (FB proves this).
So I have to trust him on this. And tbh he has enough trouble with me let alone any one else I reckon!

zippy1997

Spendless wrote: »

Did you accept the b&q job? I've worked in a national DIY chain retailers twice, once in my 20s and again on an evening when my DS was a baby. Not sure when you are starting, but this time of year it's quiet (except the bank holidays). Their traditional busiest time is Easter. To me, it's the perfect job to ease you back into work, with potential for you to go in other directions such as pick up more hours or train in other areas (eg customer service role), and if you don't like it, time to look for something else. Care home you may love or hate, but it doesn't give you as much flexibility.

Thanks. I have accepted the job yes. I start in the new yr. I have to complete some online stuff first and go into the store this week (hopefully) to sign the contract. At this point I need the time to get used to working again and earning and then I can think more long term. Wherever and whatever that may be!

zippy1997

Primrose wrote: »

Zippy, it sounds as if part of his life has been a secret for a long time. I'm not suggesting that he's having an affair but that he doesn't feel he is able to share his life and his concerns with you. This could possibly suggest that he does in some way feel slightly guilty about the way he's living his life or guilty about his inability or inadequacy to live a perceived "normal" life.

I suspect you're probably going to find it impossible to get him to open up now in any reasonable cooperative way so obviously your priorities are going to have to be to protect your own interests. This may mean you may have to resign yourself to playing your own cards a little closer to your chest and just keeping your future plans to yourself. Obviously there will be financial issues to be discussed but if he won't be open with you he has lost the right to be treated as an equal partner.

Can't you get a computer techie friend to put his computer out of action for a few days so he's forced to talk to his family ??

Sadly neither of us have been good talkers, which has contributed to the problem. He's had problems he can't talk about since a teenager (even his parents didn't know) so he needs to deal with that and looking back might have contributed to how he deals with things. I haven't helped but it mostly started after my DS and not dealing with PND.
I'm sure when he moves out he won't be coming back. It's just a gut feeling.
Once we tell the kids he'll have to talk more and start looking for a place to live closer to work. We can't hang this out longer once they know. It won't be fair.