OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

swingaloo wrote: »

I honestly think you need to 'get angry'. He seems to be almost manipulating you, telling you its not worth bothering, its over, he doesnt want to discuss this and that. Getting angry is internal right now. I want to scream. I think because he just dropped it and doesn't even want to discuss it or see if it's worth fixing has made me angry. He's decided and that's that. Which I accept does happen and his prerogative but it still hurts and makes me frustrated.

You in turn are taking all the responsibility (well done on getting a job so quickly), worrying about the kids/dog/keeping a roof over your heads/finances/family situations/how the kids will take things and xmas.
Meanwhile he helps you with a couple of CVs, tells you he needs space and will get a little place near work then carries on gaming as if its all sorted. He has always been somewhat like this though. Even if he knows things need doing he will put them off, in turn making me nag (wrong thing I know), causing friction. We haven't even talked about Xmas presents for the kids. My DD has already had shoes that she wanted but as for DS? Who knows. He does seem to think paying the bills once he's left is all he needs to do. Sadly I'm more emotional than that.

He is pulling the plug but does not seem to be making any move to come up with answers as to how its going to be managed. I have asked things and all he says is I don't know. Well neither do I! He started this and I had hoped he had a plan. My sis's BIL had a plan. It was all about making sure his kids had a home (even though it was his wife who started the separation stuff). They stayed in the same house for 2 yrs to sort things out, so his kids would be OK. He knew he could start again as he was the main wage earner but wanted his kids to have a home after the divorce. My OH doesn't seem to, well he's not saying if he is, know what to do.

Put the emphasis back on him, you look after yourself.
Ask him what he is going to do about the kids and mortgage. I'm going to CAB on Monday or Wed with my sister to help inform me of things, On Tues my dad and I was going to a solicitor for some clarity on the legal aspect. Whether he's done that is a mystery and I doubt he'd tell me. I haven't mentioned what I'm doing yet though.

In all honesty he does not sound like a nice man at the moment. I think he has just checked out. He will help if asked but he has a short fuse at the moment.His answer about the dog is to let him go. Its as if he is just washing his hands of everything and has his plan to have his own little place and space. He wants space. He says he wants to be alone. Maybe being alone will help with what needs doing, he can think straight.

He sounds to me to be either very depressed or very selfish. The way he is dealing with this life changing event for you both seems to be a bit 'cold'.
He has been processing this thought for years but only now decided he has to do this. Wish he'd talked to me though, as before we'd only put band aids over things. He has issues from his past, before me, he's never dealt with and doesn't seem overly keen to do that now. His parents don't even know his issues as he didn't tell them at the time. Which means I will probably take all the blame. Not saying I haven't played a huge part in this, I have, and am seeing the Dr to try to deal with all of my issues but he has to deal with his at some point to actually move on himself I feel.

I think you need to let him see that you are not going to just go along with everything he suggests just so that he can detach himself without to much disruption whilst you just accept it.

After Tuesday I will have more understanding of the legalities of it and can then sit him down with my side. I also want to talk to my sisters BIL who has recently gone through this himself, first hand experience (although I know all are different). It will just be nice to talk to someone who's had the same emotions etc..

zippy1997

thorsoak wrote: »

In a few weeks' time, you will feel so relieved that all this is behind you! x

I hope so! Now i have a job (although yet to start!) I feel better knowing I am employable. Trouble is, being at home right now is making me feel a little bit worthless. It's all in my head, but even though he's in the house I do feel alone. Like anything I say could be seen as wrong or a dig.
I can't talk to my sister and Dad 24/7 even though I want to. I want to moan and rant a lot!

zippy1997

I need to join a club. I need to go out with some old friends. An old friend (literally) from where I worked the last job has agreed to provide references for jobs and said we should get together for coffee etc... I need to do that. I am crappy at keeping up friendships. I need to change that.

pmlindyloo

First of all congratulations on the job!

May I suggest something? I know you are going to CAB who will help you but, from what you have said, your OH is not making any decisions about the future other than vague remarks.

Family Mediation can be a real help when you are separating. It means that a third party will help you decide together financial arrangements/property/children etc. An agreement can be made and you can then pay a solicitor to have this made into a legal document. You will probably have to pay for Family Mediation but it might be a couple of hundred pounds rather than thousands if you use a solicitor.

Using Family Mediation will focus your OH's mind rather than 'burying his head in the sand.' You need to know where you are financially as does he.

I get the impression that he is floundering somewhat, just as you are.

If you can get him to agree to Family mediation then at least you will know that both of you will be able to express, with a third unrelated person present, your concerns.

It may also give you a chance to focus on your children, know that you have both made a decision to move forward and, hopefully, make things less stressful.

There is nothing worse than worrying about the future and how you will manage. Knowing that someone will help you sort it all out can be extremely useful.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-marriage/#family_mediation_and_arbitration

Person_one

He probably thinks that he can move out into a flat and spend all day gaming without getting nagged to do boring stuff like look after his home or care about his family. It won't seem so idyllic when he's living in a filthy hole of a place and nobody wants to see him. That won't be your problem anymore though!

zippy1997

pmlindyloo wrote: »

First of all congratulations on the job!

May I suggest something? I know you are going to CAB who will help you but, from what you have said, your OH is not making any decisions about the future other than vague remarks.

Family Mediation can be a real help when you are separating. It means that a third party will help you decide together financial arrangements/property/children etc. An agreement can be made and you can then pay a solicitor to have this made into a legal document. You will probably have to pay for Family Mediation but it might be a couple of hundred pounds rather than thousands if you use a solicitor.

Using Family Mediation will focus your OH's mind rather than 'burying his head in the sand.' You need to know where you are financially as does he.

I get the impression that he is floundering somewhat, just as you are.

If you can get him to agree to Family mediation then at least you will know that both of you will be able to express, with a third unrelated person present, your concerns.

It may also give you a chance to focus on your children, know that you have both made a decision to move forward and, hopefully, make things less stressful.

There is nothing worse than worrying about the future and how you will manage. Knowing that someone will help you sort it all out can be extremely useful.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-marriage/#family_mediation_and_arbitration

Thanks! It's a start and gives me time to earn some money and do something rather than household stuff! (which I don't mind but outside the house and a purpose would be nice).

I could suggest mediation. See what he says. Not sure he'll be receptive but I can only try.

OH does tend to put things off. I'm more of a want things done now person (impatient?!). He will wait until the last minute unless something really needs to be done. He has always been that way so it's not new.
I don't know what's going on in his head as he won't openly discuss things. Probably thinks I'm trying to change his mind. Which as this point I know is a waste of time. I just want to know what's he thinking.
I don't think he's thought of the future, just the now and wanting to be on his own.

annandale

He wants a divorce but won't discuss things? How does he think the pair of you are going to get divorced if he won't talk to you?

zippy1997

Person_one wrote: »

He probably thinks that he can move out into a flat and spend all day gaming without getting nagged to do boring stuff like look after his home or care about his family. It won't seem so idyllic when he's living in a filthy hole of a place and nobody wants to see him. That won't be your problem anymore though!

Well it won't be a flat with our cash flow! It'll be a bedroom in someone elses house for now. He's not bothered about the boring stuff. He lived alone before we got married for a short time and his flat was a mess and he tried to cook but isn't very good. (over cooks pizza for instance!). He just sees it as getting by. He said he hated living alone then.....
For all I know he'll change into this sociable guy who never games again. In a way I hope he does as right now he's not happy, and he can't spend his life gaming.

After all this I'm not sure I can go back even if he did want to try again.

zippy1997

annandale wrote: »

He wants a divorce but won't discuss things? How does he think the pair of you are going to get divorced if he won't talk to you?

I know! We're not talking about divorce yet a such, it's a separation but eventually it'll go that way.
Not sure he thinks we've got anything to discuss until he moves out. Or he thinks we don't have the time. I always bring things up. It's getting a bit boring.

Primrose

I suspect your husband has developed an addiction to gaming and is now beginning g to live a life that is totally divorced from reality. His refusal to face up to the real realities of how best your debts can be reduced shows he is increasingly absenting himself from real world realities.

It sounds as if he doesn,t even really care about the wellbeing of his children or the dog. I think he will go from bad to worse whatever happens to him unless he gets some professional help for his addiction although I'm sure he will deny he has a problem.

Maybe you should suggest he needs to start training for his new life apart from you by doing his own washing, ironing and cooking. It seems to me, despite what you say, it as if his real laid back "couldn't care less attitude towards children and dog is coming out. The children will guess what's going on and should be out out of their misery. Perhaps he would like to spend Christmas living in a dreary bed sitter for a dose of what this reality of freedom is really going to be like.

I hope you re taking steps to keep your earnings in a bank account in your own name. He's clearly starting to live in La La land as far as any family responsibilities are concerned. Separating is probably your best option. He runs the risks of becoming a middle aged weirdo who sits at his computer gaming every spare moment and has lost the ability to socially interact with anybody. And once he gets this reputation perhaps even his continued employment will be at risk as he increasingly loses touch with reality. Have you suggested to him that he could be depressed and may need medical help ?