OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

Primrose wrote: »

Maybe a daft question to ask but why can,t you stay together and work at just clearing your debts as a priority? Then you would both be starting off from a better financial base without the expense of two separate properties/living accommodations to be funded. Surely if you're on reasonable terms this would work in both your longer term interests?

Unfortunately he wants 'space', which translates to 'leave'. He's thinking that using the money he spends on petrol to get to work monthly will be enough for a room. We have wiggle room in the expenses, specially now I have a job, but it'll be tough going, we will have to really take notice of every penny. Which right now we don't do, he doesn't see the point in doing it every day to keep check. *that may seem like passing the buck but my suggestions don't go down well, I keep a tally for the shopping, regardless of what the bank account says for instance.

zippy1997

missbiggles1 wrote: »

When you're on a low income, as you will be, £30 is well worth having.

Yes, that is true and it's something I will consider in the future when things are more settled and I can concentrate on the work front. The evening job works better right now and will give me valuable confidence again. But yes I see where you're coming from and in the future it will make all the difference.

zippy1997

I think it's finally hit me that emotionally I'm on my own - already.

This morning was awkward. DD noticed OH has taken off his wedding ring (already) and commented on it. He made an excuse it needed cleaning. Would have been nice if he'd mentioned to me he'd removed it, just in case DD said something and I looked like a rabbit in headlights trying to think of an answer..... I haven't really seen him the past few days to notice, she only noticed because he was gaming on the computer ...

thorsoak

zippy1997 wrote: »

I think it's finally hit me that emotionally I'm on my own - already.

This morning was awkward. DD noticed OH has taken off his wedding ring (already) and commented on it. He made an excuse it needed cleaning. Would have been nice if he'd mentioned to me he'd removed it, just in case DD said something and I looked like a rabbit in headlights trying to think of an answer..... I haven't really seen him the past few days to notice, she only noticed because he was gaming on the computer ...

Teenagers aren't stupid - she knows that things aren't right and it will probably be a relief when she is told what the situation is. Just reassure her that it is nothing to do with her or her brother and that you both love them dearly.

And what the heck is he doing, gaming on the computer on a Saturday morning? Once you have separated, you will find that life does become better - at the moment you are teetering on a tightrope. x

kelpie35

I think that was an opportunity missed when it would have given him the chance to sit her down and explain that he has decided that your marriage is ending rather than telling her a lie.

I am sure she has picked up that things are not right and I feel the sooner she and her brother are told the situation, the better.

She will probable be better equipped than you realise and it will take pressure off any worries she might have.

annandale

Hes taken his ring off. Sitting gaming.
He's got more important things to be dealing with just now than playing games.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I'd be furious.

swingaloo

I honestly think you need to 'get angry'. He seems to be almost manipulating you, telling you its not worth bothering, its over, he doesnt want to discuss this and that.

You in turn are taking all the responsibility (well done on getting a job so quickly), worrying about the kids/dog/keeping a roof over your heads/finances/family situations/how the kids will take things and xmas.
Meanwhile he helps you with a couple of CVs, tells you he needs space and will get a little place near work then carries on gaming as if its all sorted.

He is pulling the plug but does not seem to be making any move to come up with answers as to how its going to be managed.

Put the emphasis back on him, you look after yourself.
Ask him what he is going to do about the kids and mortgage.

In all honesty he does not sound like a nice man at the moment. His answer about the dog is to let him go. Its as if he is just washing his hands of everything and has his plan to have his own little place and space.

He sounds to me to be either very depressed or very selfish. The way he is dealing with this life changing event for you both seems to be a bit 'cold'.
I think you need to let him see that you are not going to just go along with everything he suggests just so that he can detach himself without to much disruption whilst you just accept it.

zippy1997

thorsoak wrote: »

Teenagers aren't stupid - she knows that things aren't right and it will probably be a relief when she is told what the situation is. Just reassure her that it is nothing to do with her or her brother and that you both love them dearly.

And what the heck is he doing, gaming on the computer on a Saturday morning? Once you have separated, you will find that life does become better - at the moment you are teetering on a tightrope. x

I have a feeling she might know something is up but hiding it well. I will do everything to make sure they have support and know it's me and their dad's problem.

He always games on a Saturday. And Sunday. The computer is normally turned on before I have time for a shower. His life revolves around it. Whether that's because of me I don't know, he enjoys it. He's got more involved with it lately but as I said could be because it's an escape and once he does move out he'll change.

I am feeling like my head wants to explode right now tbh. Not a good feeling.

zippy1997

annandale wrote: »

Hes taken his ring off. Sitting gaming.
He's got more important things to be dealing with just now than playing games.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I'd be furious.

Oh I am furious. Inside. Outside I have to look OK for our DD.

The gaming/computer has always been an issue with me, which has probably got on his nerves. I don't mind him doing it, it's the amount of time he does it that annoys me. He sees it as his time and release. He doesn't watch tv or anything.

thorsoak

In a few weeks' time, you will feel so relieved that all this is behind you! x