OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

Spendless

justme111 wrote: »

Sorry , what is not feasible?
Travel to a job place and from it ?

No, she means travelling from client's house to client's house, rather than just to and from a stationary place of work at the beginning and end of a shift. She's concerned about the wear and tear on her ancient car and it also making her insurance higher, which covering for business purposes usually does. I'd have the same misgivings on my 11 year old car.

annandale

She's not been to the interview yet nor been offered the job but has already written it off as not feasible.

duchy

I know my last post I was sounding cross with you but I do think you need to be realistic. You aren't a SAHM looking to venture back into working a nice little job that means nothing really changes at home and with the cushion of a well paid partner . You are a soon to be single woman who will need to be entirely self supporting as once debts are paid you will need to afford to support not just yourself but your daughter.

In all honesty it is better this happens now rather than in two years time as because your daughter is still dependant if she lives with you , not only will your wages be topped up generously by tax credits but you will also be entitled to child support from your husband. However if you wait until she leaves college (or if she lives with her Dad instead of you) you'll get nothing and that is tough from day one.

I do think if your husband has detached emotionally from you the odds are his physical detachment isn't so far away as you are thinking it may be and you can't rely on him waiting around until you are ready for him leave and able to manage. Trying to guilt trip him with your own unreadiness , the dog, your daughter might work for a bit but perhaps not as long as you think. Once someone decides they are out things can pick up speed rapidly . You really don't need to be caught on the hop without clear plans, income and full awareness of your financial and legal situation if/when that happens. You feel vulnerable now but once you have a feeling that you are in control because you know exactly where you stand when X or Y happens things won't feel so out of control because simply they won't be. You'll be able to make your decisions in an informed manner and have far more control over a situation you basically feel is out of your control right now.

lobbyludd

good grief you lot.

her husband emailed a week ago to say the marriage is over. In that time she has kept the household going (including cooking for him), she has tried to build bridges with her OH, she has planned to take legal advice, she has reached out appropriately to the support network she has in place, and is using this board to process her feelings and thoughts, she has started trying to see how the future could work practically, she's not digging her heals in and insisting she won't have life change for her, she's trying to manage and minimize the impact on their children AND has applied for jobs and got an interview.

for a real live human being, I think that is fantastic.

OP: You're doing fine. The job might not work out long term, if you get it, but I'd try it for a wee while, even just to work out what those practicalities of your situation really are rather than having them run around in your head. Even if it's a terrible job, you'll have that experience, and will have lost nothing by trying it out - plus it will help you to value yourself outside of the home environment on a "practice job".

you are doing MUCH better that I did when I separated from my husband (and I initiated it, so I knew it was coming). You will still be in shock, give yourself a big pat on the back. FWIW I think you cope well with crises; you've not lost it and are trying to sort through the practicalities, despite the incredible emotional upheaval and that is a very valuable skill.

zippy1997

I can see where all the comments are coming from, thank you. They have given me food for thought. I think I would prefer something I just drive to then drive home from. I know that's picky but that's how I feel. I have a telephone interview on Wed for a cleaner at the local Lidl.

p.s. my car is a little bit older than yours Spendless! Still going strong but not sure how long for!

Had a chat with OH his morning at 6am! He was up at 5! It's more complex than I thought. I for sure, with my behaviour over the yrs, have compounded (big buried) issues he had before we met but didn't deal with. Not sure how to proceed tbh as he's still 100 committed to leaving. I, now I know a bit more, can see it can be worked through, with time and counselling, but obviously if he's still not happy with that there's nothing I can do. Except encourage him to get proper counselling on his own. (he did through the GP some yrs ago for 6 months phone therapy, but that finished and nothing since).

zippy1997

duchy wrote: »

I know my last post I was sounding cross with you but I do think you need to be realistic. You aren't a SAHM looking to venture back into working a nice little job that means nothing really changes at home and with the cushion of a well paid partner . You are a soon to be single woman who will need to be entirely self supporting as once debts are paid you will need to afford to support not just yourself but your daughter.

In all honesty it is better this happens now rather than in two years time as because your daughter is still dependant if she lives with you , not only will your wages be topped up generously by tax credits but you will also be entitled to child support from your husband. However if you wait until she leaves college (or if she lives with her Dad instead of you) you'll get nothing and that is tough from day one.

I do think if your husband has detached emotionally from you the odds are his physical detachment isn't so far away as you are thinking it may be and you can't rely on him waiting around until you are ready for him leave and able to manage. Trying to guilt trip him with your own unreadiness , the dog, your daughter might work for a bit but perhaps not as long as you think. Once someone decides they are out things can pick up speed rapidly . You really don't need to be caught on the hop without clear plans, income and full awareness of your financial and legal situation if/when that happens. You feel vulnerable now but once you have a feeling that you are in control because you know exactly where you stand when X or Y happens things won't feel so out of control because simply they won't be. You'll be able to make your decisions in an informed manner and have far more control over a situation you basically feel is out of your control right now.

Oh no, not at all. I agree. I know what my problem is and at home I know what I have to do but my personality isn't the type of person to do that. I need to go back to pre-marriage as I did manage myself better.

Tbh I'd work 40 hrs a week cleaning if it was a wage earner. I don't mind hard work but the initial foot forward is scaring the sh*t outta me! But it is something I have to do.

zippy1997

lobbyludd wrote: »

good grief you lot.

her husband emailed a week ago to say the marriage is over. In that time she has kept the household going (including cooking for him), she has tried to build bridges with her OH, she has planned to take legal advice, she has reached out appropriately to the support network she has in place, and is using this board to process her feelings and thoughts, she has started trying to see how the future could work practically, she's not digging her heals in and insisting she won't have life change for her, she's trying to manage and minimize the impact on their children AND has applied for jobs and got an interview.

for a real live human being, I think that is fantastic.

OP: You're doing fine. The job might not work out long term, if you get it, but I'd try it for a wee while, even just to work out what those practicalities of your situation really are rather than having them run around in your head. Even if it's a terrible job, you'll have that experience, and will have lost nothing by trying it out - plus it will help you to value yourself outside of the home environment on a "practice job".

you are doing MUCH better that I did when I separated from my husband (and I initiated it, so I knew it was coming). You will still be in shock, give yourself a big pat on the back. FWIW I think you cope well with crises; you've not lost it and are trying to sort through the practicalities, despite the incredible emotional upheaval and that is a very valuable skill.

Thank you. I am trying but as I've said I'm not the get up and go type person so need to change that. My sister is being great and very helpful. She's the type who gives you a kick up the bum so it's important right now!
Don't know about not losing it. On my own during the day I have plenty of meltdowns! I had one while cleaning the other day!

duchy

I think if he is set on leaving then fighting it is self defeating but calling it a trial separation where you live apart for a set period and not do anything like putting the house on the market or filing for divorce until that period has ended and you've then sat down and talked about the next step might take pressure off you both. He probably feels incredibly guilty but this is clearly something he feels he has to do. Six months time he may realize the grass isn't greener , or you may realize that you like your more independent life and working has opened your eyes to a wider world and you want more than a life with a man where communication is so poor to both resort to email.

That real you from before your marriage is still there, if she wasn't you'd have fled this thread by now. You just need to wake her up a bit

duchy

zippy1997 wrote: »

Oh no, not at all. I agree. I know what my problem is and at home I know what I have to do but my personality isn't the type of person to do that. I need to go back to pre-marriage as I did manage myself better.

Tbh I'd work 40 hrs a week cleaning if it was a wage earner. I don't mind hard work but the initial foot forward is scaring the sh*t outta me! But it is something I have to do.

The fear of doing something outside our comfort zone is always far worse than the reality. We think of every which way it can go wrong , the reality is once you stop thinking and start doing , most of those what if's never happen and things turn out far better than we expected.

zippy1997

duchy wrote: »

I think if he is set on leaving then fighting it is self defeating but calling it a trial separation where you live apart for a set period and not do anything like putting the house on the market or filing for divorce until that period has ended and you've then sat down and talked about the next step might take pressure off you both. He probably feels incredibly guilty but this is clearly something he feels he has to do. Six months time he may realize the grass isn't greener , or you may realize that you like your more independent life and working has opened your eyes to a wider world and you want more than a life with a man where communication is so poor to both resort to email.

That real you from before your marriage is still there, if she wasn't you'd have fled this thread by now. You just need to wake her up a bit

I've mentioned the trial part to him, He didn't really reply positively or negatively. I do think he needs to have counselling on his own while apart, then if that seems to be working he could feel like moving forward with marriage counselling or something. I don't know.
I do feel 20 yrs, just when we could get our life together now the kids are grown up, is worth a little bit of fight. Just have to see if he feels the same way in a few months. Chances are he might not even do counselling cos he can't be bothered or see a point.