OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

duchy

The dog isn't really the issue though, he's just an excuse to not change things too fast (which is understandable it takes time to process everything and start moving forward. Change can be very scary)

FBaby

You are doing a lot of thinking now, which is good, but you need to try to do a bit less thinking and more acting on it.

No, not yet. OH has been getting in quite late so we haven't had time to sit down and work anything out. Without knowing what he has in mind it's pointless me doing it I feel.

Like your job searching, which is a great first step, you seem to still be in the mind frame of relying on your husband. This is the most important part that you need to focus on breaking free from. Yes, ultimately, you will need to know what he wants to do to be clear what you can afford or not, however, nothing is stopping you starting to work out and cost various options. You could then be the one in control and show your husband the various possibilities which might influence your husband's choice.

I get more and more the feeling that the failing of your marriage was your growing reliance on him in every way that got you in a vicious circle where you felt less and less confident, whilst he grew more and more feeling suffocated by the responsibility, and maybe the fear of letting you down (thinking of the debts).

Forget waiting for your husband to come home in the evenings to discuss and work things out. Start coming up with actions during the day, and just ask him his views in the evenings.

catkins

Does your dog get on with other dogs? If so what about day care for dogs or dog boarding?

I use day care if me and OH are going to be out for more than 4 hours. It costs £20 for the day. When we go away our dog goes to the same person and stays at her house. She charges £25 a day.

It is possible to do dog boarding through an agency although obviously you would get paid less. If you google you will find agencies.

I know a couple of dog walkers and they seem to be pretty busy. They charge about £12 an hour. Also they offer a service to go to someone's house if they are away to feed animals such as cats, rabbits etc, water plants, open and close curtains, take in post etc.

zippy1997

Spendless wrote: »

I've got a 16yo at college. He's there 2.5 days per week. That's doing an equivalent of 3 A levels course. I should imagine your teen is also home during the day on a few weekdays days plus weekends. Between you, one of you will find time to dog walk.

My DD does all 5 days unfortunately, with only 2 slightly later mornings (and one slightly earlier friday afternoon). She is at home all weekend though so can help for sure. (and will).

zippy1997

duchy wrote: »

The dog isn't really the issue though, he's just an excuse to not change things too fast (which is understandable it takes time to process everything and start moving forward. Change can be very scary)

Yes that is true I guess.
I just want to make sure everyone is happy, so I'm worrying about every little thing. Not helpful but sadly what I do.

My dad summed it up yesterday, he said I was a shy quiet type, add in the no confidence issue and this really is testing me.

I can sit here looking for jobs thinking I can do that so I apply then the nerves hit me. I know I need to move forward regardless of those nerves but it's tough, saying something and doing it are 2 different things. I have no choice, but it's out of my comfort zone completely.

zippy1997

FBaby wrote: »

You are doing a lot of thinking now, which is good, but you need to try to do a bit less thinking and more acting on it.



Like your job searching, which is a great first step, you seem to still be in the mind frame of relying on your husband. This is the most important part that you need to focus on breaking free from. Yes, ultimately, you will need to know what he wants to do to be clear what you can afford or not, however, nothing is stopping you starting to work out and cost various options. You could then be the one in control and show your husband the various possibilities which might influence your husband's choice.

I get more and more the feeling that the failing of your marriage was your growing reliance on him in every way that got you in a vicious circle where you felt less and less confident, whilst he grew more and more feeling suffocated by the responsibility, and maybe the fear of letting you down (thinking of the debts).

Forget waiting for your husband to come home in the evenings to discuss and work things out. Start coming up with actions during the day, and just ask him his views in the evenings.

Yes probably true. And I do accept that. I get the impression he'll be a different person once we split/divorce. Hopefully he'll find the right person (and I do mean that, as it's not me).

OH looked at the finances last night. It's complicated by the debts and the fact we have a lot of outgoings. He emailed me (easier at it's all on his PC) the facts and figures so I'll take a close look today and see what we can do.

zippy1997

Oh god I just go an interview for Monday. (not oh god as in bad but oh god as I'm now wetting myself!)

kelpie35

I am sure that if you apply for various jobs you will find out where you will feel comfortable working.

Is there any possibility that once you have a job, gain confidence, that things at home might change re your OP.

You might have things to talk about and that might help the situation you are in.

Do you ever have date nights?

I am sure that if you put some effort into showing him that you still wish to be married to him, things might become easier and you can TALK through how you really feel.

Is there any particular reason that your OH is coming home late?

While you are still together there is hope, but it is something you both want and are willing to work together to make it a good marriage.

duchy

Please stop using the dog as an excuse. Plenty of people work fulltime and their dogs are fine.

The dog really is the least of your worries , an income and how your children are dealing with this are your priorities. The dog - like the rest of you, will adapt to the new circumstances.

I do agree with Fbaby that you need to stop deferring to a husband who doesn't want to talk and start mapping out your own plans and possibilities as they are the decisions that will matter....not whether he approves or not. It might be comforting to get him to make all the decisions for you but clearly he doesn't want to do that- and nor should he. You are a mature woman capable of deciding on your own life (even if you can't quite see that clearly yet)

You are trying to shift responsibility onto everyone else, your husband, your daughter -whilst they are part of the decisionmaking considerations you are the one it concerns most so need to be the one taking responsibility for your own future. Have you spoken to a solicitor yet ? That is an absolute priority to avoid making any costly mistakes that could impact on you for the rest of your life- the dog comes below that as until you know if you can stay in the house til your daughter is 18 you have no idea if you need to make alternative arrangements for them (and you and your daughter) . Stop putting the cart before the horse !!

(As for "wanting everyone to be happy" you can't make everyone else happy and there will be things that one or other of you aren't happy with so focus on what is practical , workable and sensible.)

duchy

zippy1997 wrote: »

Oh god I just go an interview for Monday. (not oh god as in bad but oh god as I'm now wetting myself!)

Best interview tip ever .....if you are nervous -imagine the interviewer naked - and they won't seem as scary !!

Just go and be yourself , think about the side of you that you want them to see - and prepare in advance an answer to the enevitable questions like why you are returning to work (kids are grown and it's time - they don't want the details of your marriage) and why you think you'd be an asset to them as an employee (honest, punctual, reliable etc- and don't mention the dawg !! )