Changing dating strategy? Any ideas please?

KnightRider

Person_one wrote: »

Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest here, I'm a single woman in my early thirties and although I'm not currently looking to meet anybody I have done the online dating thing in the past with results from fantastic to disastrous and I am going to tell you what sort of impression I'd get from your post if I was, and why it wouldn't have me running to check out your profile or message you.

Firstly, it sounds like you're finding online dating a massive chore like getting through a big pile of ironing! If this way of doing things is no fun for you and you're not enjoying the experience why on earth are you doing it?

Thanks for replying!

It's not horrendous but I am finding it a bit tiring. I've already had breaks from it but that's why I'm asking for alternatives.

Person_one wrote: »

Secondly, there are loads of women in their thirties who want to have children, get married, settle down etc etc. all that jazz. Absolutely loads of them. Yes, more women are 'taken' by the time they get to your age than at 25 but equally lots have never met the right person or have had relationships or marriages that haven't worked out and are back on their own. That you don't seem to think this is the case makes me wonder if you are being very selective in who you view as acceptable dating material for you, are you perhaps expecting to only date stunningly beautiful women, or women without children, or with interesting careers?

I'm selective to a point - I don't want someone who already has children. No offence to those that do but it's a personal preference, just like some women will only date guys taller than them, etc. I have to feel some sort of connection there so I won't just date anyone.

I wouldn't mind what she did for a living.

I guess I must be stupid because I can't find them! :rotfl:

Person_one wrote: »

Thirdly, the self-congratulatory stuff. Well, this is Britain, generally we don't warm to people who talk openly about how great they are or how amazing their life is! I'm afraid I cringed massively when you said that most people assume you're already married because you're such a great catch they can't believe you aren't. That's something David Brent or Alan Partridge might say in the kind of sitcom you have to watch from behind a cushion. Tone it down, nobody really thinks that way, nobody expects you to have a perfect life because nobody actually does, nobody expects anybody else to be perfect and certainly not to think they are!

You've misread what I said - my point was that I'm very lucky in other areas except this one. I'd like that same kind of luck when it comes to finding someone. I never said my life was 'perfect' but I am very happy with it so far.

As for not liking that people have said that to me... well, not a lot I can do there really! I find it more frustrating than 'congratulatory', personally!

Person_one wrote: »

Relax.

Don't set yourself targets for how many women you should message each day, browse the sites when you feel like it and message the women you are genuinely interested in. Be yourself, stop trying to project the image that you are the perfect catch. Don't put too much pressure on the contacts that do go well and the women you do hit it off with. As a man you have time on your side because you don't have to worry as much about your fertility declining.

The point was that I set a target of finding at least one woman *I am interested in* per day. I don't put pressure on anyone.

I don't agree with this idea that somehow being a man means I can settle down and get married at any age. I'd like to do that while I still have the energy to do those things. The idea of being an older dad does not appeal to me.

Smartsaver7

Person_one wrote: »

makes me wonder if you are being very selective in who you view as acceptable dating material for you, are you perhaps expecting to only date stunningly beautiful women, or women without children, or with interesting careers?

I agree on that , but I have found that works both ways

The self-congratulatory stuff. Well, this is Britain, generally we don't warm to people who talk openly about how great they are or how amazing their life is! I'm afraid I cringed massively when you said that most people assume you're already married because you're such a great catch they can't believe you aren't.

I did chuckle , if you are such a great catch you wouldn't be on here , it's the same as when a gal tells you you are are such a great , honest, funny guy but doesn't want to date you .

As a man you have time on your side because you don't have to worry as much about your fertility declining.

Yes I have two friends in their 60's who have started second families , with women half their age.

indiepanda

Smartsaver7 wrote: »

I did chuckle , if you are such a great catch you wouldn't be on here , it's the same as when a gal tells you you are are such a great , honest, funny guy but doesn't want to date you .

Chemistry is a funny thing though isn't it, I can meet guys who are good company, fun to hang out with, not bad looking, but there isn't that indefinable something that turns them from someone you'd like to be friends with to someone you want to date.

The OPs other post (since deleted) suggested he had a rather childish sense of humour - or at least that's the impression he gave - maybe it was the word silly he used - but that says childish to me.

I wonder if this is the real reason he hasn't met someone. The kinds of women who are looking to settle down and have kids don't tend to want someone who gives the impression of being an overgrown child who will leave them to do all the tough parts of parenting and just enjoy the play.

Person_one

KnightRider wrote: »

You've misread what I said

I don't think I have, but I've clearly wasted my time trying to help you out! Ah well, good luck anyway.

Smartsaver7

indiepanda wrote: »

I don't think it helps that their website is dreadfully dated and not optimised for use on a mobile phone. Suspect people who might have joined in the past now do meetup instead. I am mainly in the club for the hiking - they use a great little company whose owners I get on really well with and I have lots of friends on the hiking trips.

Meetup did kill it to a certain extent , you can now get the social stuff/meals free without paying the £80+ annual membership and cover charge per event , but it was good for the sports and activity stuff where many did meet their other halves , especially the holidays like La Santa / Mark Warner.

Most of those I joined with left when they started families or began holidaying as a couple or with other couples they met though the group , if you were single one ended up a bit of a gooseberry.

KnightRider

Smartsaver7 wrote: »

I agree on that , but I have found that works both ways

I did chuckle , if you are such a great catch you wouldn't be on here , it's the same as when a gal tells you you are are such a great , honest, funny guy but doesn't want to date you .
Yes I have two friends in their 60's who have started second families , with women half their age.

That's a rather faulty logic - so, by that line of reasoning, everyone on here must be a bad catch in some way? Also, the last person that said it to me was married and it just happened to come up in a conversation so I would hope that they didn't want to date me anyway! :rotfl:

indiepanda wrote: »

Chemistry is a funny thing though isn't it, I can meet guys who are good company, fun to hang out with, not bad looking, but there isn't that indefinable something that turns them from someone you'd like to be friends with to someone you want to date.

The OPs other post (since deleted) suggested he had a rather childish sense of humour - or at least that's the impression he gave - maybe it was the word silly he used - but that says childish to me.

I wonder if this is the real reason he hasn't met someone. The kinds of women who are looking to settle down and have kids don't tend to want someone who gives the impression of being an overgrown child who will leave them to do all the tough parts of parenting and just enjoy the play.

I've no idea why my post was deleted - it was literally there one day and gone the next...

Thanks for the assumption that I'm an overgrown child, complete stranger who has never met me! But seriously, I think you've stretched the 'silly' thing a bit too far. What I meant was someone who doesn't take life and everything so seriously. I don't think that's childish personally, it's not like I was running around wearing little shorts with a balloon in one hand and an ice cream in the other!

Smartsaver7

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think I have, but I've clearly wasted my time trying to help you out! Ah well, good luck anyway.

Charming !!!!:eek:

KnightRider

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think I have, but I've clearly wasted my time trying to help you out! Ah well, good luck anyway.

It wasn't my intention to offend but I was just pointing that out, thanks again for your reply.

Smartsaver7

indiepanda wrote: »

Chemistry is a funny thing though isn't it, I can meet guys who are good company, fun to hang out with, not bad looking, but there isn't that indefinable something that turns them from someone you'd like to be friends with to someone you want to date.

The OPs other post (since deleted) suggested he had a rather childish sense of humour - or at least that's the impression he gave - maybe it was the word silly he used - but that says childish to me.

I wonder if this is the real reason he hasn't met someone. The kinds of women who are looking to settle down and have kids don't tend to want someone who gives the impression of being an overgrown child who will leave them to do all the tough parts of parenting and just enjoy the play.

As I said on my other posts (deleted) I have had numerous conversations with female friends about dating often in the early hours when we have both had a few drinks and talk freely and they admit to wanting the bad boys , the guys that the other women want , they don't find anything attractive about a guy who is funny , silly or whatever and is trying to please them.

Both men and women are wired for certain traits, most women as you have pointed out want someone who will protect them and their child who is what is called a "Man's Man"
Lastly and sorry to bang on but if women don't see you as boyfriend material and keep Freindzoning you , you need to find out why , if it's because you are overweight or boring , you need to try and change it , doing the same thing will get you the same results.

Person_one

KnightRider wrote: »

It wasn't my intention to offend but I was just pointing that out, thanks again for your reply.

I'm not offended, but I have to wonder what the point is in starting a thread basically asking 'what am I doing wrong' when your response to most of the answers you've got seems to be quite defensive and sure that you aren't doing anything wrong after all...

If what you're doing isn't working, and you want to find a way that works, would it not be a better idea to actually have a think about some of these replies and suggestions and actually examine what you are doing a bit more critically?