Changing dating strategy? Any ideas please?

[Deleted User]

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Well, I'd stop using the word "lady" for a start.

If you are from Essex, you could use 'Doll' or 'Chick' perhaps

indiepanda

Sleazy wrote: »

If you are from Essex, you could use 'Doll' or 'Chick' perhaps

:rotfl: In all my time living in Essex I never got called either of those. Of course I left to go to uni at 19, painfully shy and a late developer so I don't recall many men noticing my existence.

All the same, I would find it odd to be called a "lady", it is a bit old fashioned and I am older than the OP.

Smartsaver7

cashewnut wrote: »

I was wondering what happened to your other thread!

It got deleted

As I said before it did, don't waste your money on dating sites/ speed dating/agencies , people of both sexes have too high expectations I suggest you try some holidays/activity groups , those that do sporty/ outside stuff you enjoy not the social drinking ones. SPICE UK is worth looking at.

If you come over as desperate you will get nowhere , people can smell desperation from miles away.
Maybe you should have a few sessions with a relationship councilor who may steer you on the right path or having heard your experiences with women let you know what you are doing wrong.

Good luck :beer:

indiepanda

Smartsaver7 wrote: »

It got deleted

As I said before it did, don't waste your money on dating sites/ speed dating/agencies , people of both sexes have too high expectations I suggest you try some holidays/activity groups , those that do sporty/ outside stuff you enjoy not the social drinking ones. SPICE UK is worth looking at.

If you come over as desperate you will get nowhere , people can smell desperation from miles away.
Maybe you should have a few sessions with a relationship councilor who may steer you on the right path or let you know what you are doing wrong.

Good luck :beer:

I am a member of Spice - it's a great club and the women outnumber the men - but it's generally a bit older age group than the OP. I think average member is probably more like early 50s.

onomatopoeia99

cte1111 wrote: »

For the OP: I'm in your age group (just about) and yes use of the word 'lady' in initial communications with you would put me off. I would associate it with other vaguely old fashioned, possibly mildly chauvinistic attitudes, particularly in someone under 50.

If I was a picky online dater, I might guess (quite probably unfairly) that you were a bit right wing, voted for Brexit and would expect your potential wife to stay at home. This is the sort of mad assumptions that people do make in online dating, when you don't have other more useful clues as to people's identities and opinions.

Not the OP, but I was taught it was polite to use "lady" rather than "woman" growing up (I'm 47, not 87 btw) and it is a difficult habit to break. I certainly didn't vote for Brexit, wouldn't consider dating someone that said they wanted to be a stay at home wife because equality is a huge deal for me (so you might correctly infer that the label of chauvanist would be inappropriate), and left / right politics don't really work as I'm more interested in where someone sits on the libertarian vs authoritarian scale.

Assumptions are a really bad idea .

Smartsaver7

indiepanda wrote: »

I am a member of Spice - it's a great club and the women outnumber the men - but it's generally a bit older age group than the OP. I think average member is probably more like early 50s.

I think the problem with any club is that people peel off when they get partnered up and start having families and those that are left grow old with the club and it attracts people of the same age. I left over 10 yrs ago and yes the age was rising .

The difficulty I suppose being late 30's is many around you are either starting families or engrossed in their careers so being single more of an issue, when you get into you fifties/sixties friends divorce /retire and you get them back.;)

All know from speaking to those over 60 is that dating was a lot simpler in their day , lot less drama people just met within their community and got on with it, oh and women didn't get offended when called a lady :rotfl:

Person_one

Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest here, I'm a single woman in my early thirties and although I'm not currently looking to meet anybody I have done the online dating thing in the past with results from fantastic to disastrous and I am going to tell you what sort of impression I'd get from your post if I was, and why it wouldn't have me running to check out your profile or message you.

Firstly, it sounds like you're finding online dating a massive chore like getting through a big pile of ironing! If this way of doing things is no fun for you and you're not enjoying the experience why on earth are you doing it?

Secondly, there are loads of women in their thirties who want to have children, get married, settle down etc etc. all that jazz. Absolutely loads of them. Yes, more women are 'taken' by the time they get to your age than at 25 but equally lots have never met the right person or have had relationships or marriages that haven't worked out and are back on their own. That you don't seem to think this is the case makes me wonder if you are being very selective in who you view as acceptable dating material for you, are you perhaps expecting to only date stunningly beautiful women, or women without children, or with interesting careers?

Thirdly, the self-congratulatory stuff. Well, this is Britain, generally we don't warm to people who talk openly about how great they are or how amazing their life is! I'm afraid I cringed massively when you said that most people assume you're already married because you're such a great catch they can't believe you aren't. That's something David Brent or Alan Partridge might say in the kind of sitcom you have to watch from behind a cushion. Tone it down, nobody really thinks that way, nobody expects you to have a perfect life because nobody actually does, nobody expects anybody else to be perfect and certainly not to think they are!

Relax.

Don't set yourself targets for how many women you should message each day, browse the sites when you feel like it and message the women you are genuinely interested in. Be yourself, stop trying to project the image that you are the perfect catch. Don't put too much pressure on the contacts that do go well and the women you do hit it off with. As a man you have time on your side because you don't have to worry as much about your fertility declining.

KnightRider

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Not the OP, but I was taught it was polite to use "lady" rather than "woman" growing up (I'm 47, not 87 btw) and it is a difficult habit to break. I certainly didn't vote for Brexit, wouldn't consider dating someone that said they wanted to be a stay at home wife because equality is a huge deal for me (so you might correctly infer that the label of chauvanist would be inappropriate), and left / right politics don't really work as I'm more interested in where someone sits on the libertarian vs authoritarian scale.

Assumptions are a really bad idea .

I agree with this! ^

I'm not sure why someone would equate trying to have good manners with being 'right wing' and make a series of (hilariously wrong) assumptions... but there you go!

To address some of the points in posts above:

I certainly do not want a 'stay at home' wife - I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself and do not need someone to do anything for me. What I want is a partner I can share life with... see how stereotyping and assumption fails miserably? If someone is doing that on dating sites... well, they're probably missing a lot of potential matches! Not sure I'd want to meet someone who goes around judging and categorising people though, so if they're reading my profile like that and skipping me, it's probably for the best.

Not sure how I could be thought to be desperate? Surely if I was, I would have settled for anyone by now? I've had plenty of situations where I could have dated someone for the sake of it but I wouldn't be comfortable with doing that. I think that's unfair and wrong.

I find most sports boring but I'll check out the meetup groups in my area.

Thanks for all the replies so far, ladies and gents! Hee hee!

indiepanda

Smartsaver7 wrote: »

I think the problem with any club is that people peel off when they get partnered up and start having families and those that are left grow old with the club and it attracts people of the same age. I left over 10 yrs ago and yes the age was rising .

The difficulty I suppose being late 30's is many around you are either starting families or engrossed in their careers so being single more of an issue, when you get into you fifties/sixties friends divorce /retire and you get them back.;)

Yes, I was one of the younger members when I joined some eight years ago and I am still one of the younger members, and a friend in the club who is a couple of years my senior has been in the club for twenty years and he has had the same experience.

I don't think it helps that their website is dreadfully dated and not optimised for use on a mobile phone. Suspect people who might have joined in the past now do meetup instead. I am mainly in the club for the hiking - they use a great little company whose owners I get on really well with and I have lots of friends on the hiking trips.

If I met a guy in his fifties looking to meet someone I would totally recommend it as a good option. As a women in my forties I find it a good way to make friends but I wouldn't ever expect to meet a man through it.

indiepanda

KnightRider wrote: »

I find most sports boring but I'll check out the meetup groups in my area.

Meetup groups definitely aren't just for sport.