Changing dating strategy? Any ideas please?

Smartsaver7

KnightRider wrote: »

I was in a relationship for seven years, during my twenties, and it ended amicably (we're still good friends) but we just realised that we'd gotten together when we were quite young and she decided she didn't want a family (which I do). I can't be that unique a case and there must be women out there who have been in a similar situation and are back out there and looking. It just seems to me that they aren't looking on dating sites (not OKCupid anyway).

As Indiepanda has said if you live in a small town and your dating catchment area is restricted on the dating sites you use then your pool of women to contact / meet is limited.

You are at an awkward age for finding a woman who wants a family and kids as many in their early to mid thirties have already settled down or still advancing their careers , those younger still want to party.
Also single women who may have young kids find it difficult to get "back out there" due to childcare etc, some women with young kids also want to meet guys in same situation or don't want any more.

You may need to spread your wings and join some activity groups in your nearest town or increase your radius on the sites , if you do the same thing, in the same places , you will get the same results

Smartsaver7

indiepanda wrote: »

I have met more men since I moved to London than I ever did in small town Hampshire. Yes, not Mr Right yet, but I have more chance here than where I was bored and lonely and stuck home most nights. And at least here I have plenty of single friends to spend time with in the meantime.

I lived in London and a fairly big town in Hertfordshire and it was a lot easier dating as plenty of public transport and people within my search criteria , I also worked in London so could meet up after work when still looking smart in my whistle, when I moved to a village much more difficult and knowing I had a much longer journey home only met up with dates at weekends,

smudger1964

Hey Smartsaver7 do you think it could be that you talk to yourself?

alison18671

Person_one wrote: »

Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest here, I'm a single woman in my early thirties and although I'm not currently looking to meet anybody I have done the online dating thing in the past with results from fantastic to disastrous and I am going to tell you what sort of impression I'd get from your post if I was, and why it wouldn't have me running to check out your profile or message you.

Firstly, it sounds like you're finding online dating a massive chore like getting through a big pile of ironing! If this way of doing things is no fun for you and you're not enjoying the experience why on earth are you doing it?

Secondly, there are loads of women in their thirties who want to have children, get married, settle down etc etc. all that jazz. Absolutely loads of them. Yes, more women are 'taken' by the time they get to your age than at 25 but equally lots have never met the right person or have had relationships or marriages that haven't worked out and are back on their own. That you don't seem to think this is the case makes me wonder if you are being very selective in who you view as acceptable dating material for you, are you perhaps expecting to only date stunningly beautiful women, or women without children, or with interesting careers?

Thirdly, the self-congratulatory stuff. Well, this is Britain, generally we don't warm to people who talk openly about how great they are or how amazing their life is! I'm afraid I cringed massively when you said that most people assume you're already married because you're such a great catch they can't believe you aren't. That's something David Brent or Alan Partridge might say in the kind of sitcom you have to watch from behind a cushion. Tone it down, nobody really thinks that way, nobody expects you to have a perfect life because nobody actually does, nobody expects anybody else to be perfect and certainly not to think they are!

Relax.

Don't set yourself targets for how many women you should message each day, browse the sites when you feel like it and message the women you are genuinely interested in. Be yourself, stop trying to project the image that you are the perfect catch. Don't put too much pressure on the contacts that do go well and the women you do hit it off with. As a man you have time on your side because you don't have to worry as much about your fertility declining.

---

Tbh I have also done the online dating thing a few years ago, and agree completely with this post above. I am settled single at the moment, which just for me at present time is fine.
There is no need to put time limits on finding the perfect partner, especially for a man, as you could have children much later than us women, so there's no rush, and I'm not sure that meeting one person per day is a good idea either TBH, it just encourages comparing and judging of each woman without giving a fair chance to all.
They say women find it easier to date online, I don't know if that's true, but I guess you maybe could try sitting back and letting messages come to you instead of you messaging them. Sounds a tad harsh but don't try seeing dating as a desperate thing, because it's not,it's a two way thing, two parties to likey- not just you, so be aware of vibes you give out! 😃
Good luck

Lily-Rose_3

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

What's that then?

Smartsaver7 wrote: »

Forever single, never been kissed, socially awkward , cat ladies , cat men , cougars, MDAL, OSIT, alcoholics and people who spent the evening updating FB with what they had just eaten or taking selfies with strangers to make out they had friends :rotfl:

Most of the people who RSVP'd YES , commented on the MU event threads and had a profile picture of a kettle never actually turned up and seemed to belong to 30 or more groups ( including yogic flying ) , so can add crazies as well :doh:

I have literally never met - or known - any woman like this. 'Forever single,' 'never been kissed.''Taking selfies with strangers to make out they have friends???' Who does that? And if someone was updating their facebook when they were out for a date with me, I would question whether I needed to look at myself, and why someone felt the need to do something else whilst I was talking to them. Have to say though, this has never happened to me. No-one ever updates their facebook or keeps checking their phone when they're with me.

smudger1964 wrote: »

Hey Smartsaver7 do you think it could be that you talk to yourself?

:whistle:

Malthusian

Smartsaver7 wrote: »

Forever single, never been kissed, socially awkward , cat ladies , cat men , cougars, MDAL, OSIT, alcoholics and people who spent the evening updating FB with what they had just eaten or taking selfies with strangers to make out they had friends

OSIT? Urban Dictionary has failed me, unusually.

Smartsaver7

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I have literally never met - or known - any woman like this. 'Forever single,' 'never been kissed.''Taking selfies with strangers to make out they have friends???' Who does that? And if someone was updating their facebook when they were out for a date with me, I would question whether I needed to look at myself, and why someone felt the need to do something else whilst I was talking to them. Have to say though, this has never happened to me. No-one ever updates their facebook or keeps checking their phone when they're with me.
:whistle:

I was refering to the people I came across at the Meet Up's ( social events) of both sexes, no never had anyone do that to me on a date

Malthusian wrote: »

OSIT? Urban Dictionary has failed me, unusually.

Oldest Swinger In Town

smudger1964 wrote: »

Hey Smartsaver7 do you think it could be that you talk to yourself?

Happens when you retire and become the OSIT:rotfl:

pollyanna24

I recently had a guy message me going on about how beautiful I was etc. I tried looking at his profile. One blurry pic of him and about 10 of a girl about 6.

I sent him a message back saying that I thought it was lovely that he thought the world of his daughter, but I thought the idea was for me to date him!

He didn't reply. Maybe I was too blunt?

jamiehelsinki

alison18671 wrote: »

---

Tbh I have also done the online dating thing a few years ago, and agree completely with this post above. I am settled single at the moment, which just for me at present time is fine.
There is no need to put time limits on finding the perfect partner, especially for a man, as you could have children much later than us women, so there's no rush, and I'm not sure that meeting one person per day is a good idea either TBH, it just encourages comparing and judging of each woman without giving a fair chance to all.
They say women find it easier to date online, I don't know if that's true, but I guess you maybe could try sitting back and letting messages come to you instead of you messaging them. Sounds a tad harsh but don't try seeing dating as a desperate thing, because it's not,it's a two way thing, two parties to likey- not just you, so be aware of vibes you give out! 😃
Good luck

I'm not sure if it's easier for women but they do obviously get a lot more messages than men do. The few women I know who have admitted to using dating sites just say they that they had no need to message anyone and just replied to a few that suited them.

When I first went on pof if I liked the look of a profile picture, I would read the profile then send a message based on the profile but this was to much work and time for the response rate.
Now if I like the profile picture I send more or less a copy and paste message and if I get a response then I look at the profile in depth.
I know it sounds bad but it's working as I'm getting more replies as I'm able to message more women.

The best profiles for me going on the quality of the dates are 3-4 pictures of them alone, all questions answered and a paragraph description about them and what they want.
When there's 10 pictures and an essay about them and what they want it's a waste of time they are looking for Prince Charming.

KnightRider

indiepanda wrote: »

Are you living somewhere super quiet or being very fussy about the distance from your home you are looking in?

Just wondering if you are living somewhere quiet where most people settle down young so there aren't many singles your age looking for marriage and babies - mostly the ones who wanted that already have it.

If so, maybe you should consider moving somewhere livelier or widening your search area. Ultimately you can try as many methods as you like of meeting someone, but if you are living somewhere where supply is low, the chances of meeting someone wanting what you want and there being mutual attraction is low.

I have met more men since I moved to London than I ever did in small town Hampshire. Yes, not Mr Right yet, but I have more chance here than where I was bored and lonely and stuck home most nights. And at least here I have plenty of single friends to spend time with in the meantime.

I wouldn't say where I live is super quiet - it's not far from London and they can't build places to live here fast enough! I wouldn't say I'm super fussy about distance although any more than an hour away and I think it's unrealistic. I'm not up for a long distance thing (tried it once and it was rubbish).


Relocating seems a bit extreme to me - I like where I live right now and have a great job that I enjoy very much. I wouldn't want to throw that away for the chance of possibly meeting someone. Maybe if I met someone and they turned out to be a fantastic match, I'd consider possibly moving... although I'd hope that they'd equally consider doing that for me.

Smartsaver7 wrote: »

As Indiepanda has said if you live in a small town and your dating catchment area is restricted on the dating sites you use then your pool of women to contact / meet is limited.

You are at an awkward age for finding a woman who wants a family and kids as many in their early to mid thirties have already settled down or still advancing their careers , those younger still want to party.
Also single women who may have young kids find it difficult to get "back out there" due to childcare etc, some women with young kids also want to meet guys in same situation or don't want any more.

You may need to spread your wings and join some activity groups in your nearest town or increase your radius on the sites , if you do the same thing, in the same places , you will get the same results

I get the impression most people focus on interest groups online these days. I was surprised at how few there were for my area and there wasn't even any of the more obvious meetup groups for more geeky pursuits.


Having said that, from talking to some people over the weekend, it seems people are more inclined to stay at home and do more singular pursuits these days like watching boxsets or Netflix. Nothing wrong with doing things like that but it doesn't really get you meeting people!

alison18671 wrote: »

---

Tbh I have also done the online dating thing a few years ago, and agree completely with this post above. I am settled single at the moment, which just for me at present time is fine.
There is no need to put time limits on finding the perfect partner, especially for a man, as you could have children much later than us women, so there's no rush, and I'm not sure that meeting one person per day is a good idea either TBH, it just encourages comparing and judging of each woman without giving a fair chance to all.
They say women find it easier to date online, I don't know if that's true, but I guess you maybe could try sitting back and letting messages come to you instead of you messaging them. Sounds a tad harsh but don't try seeing dating as a desperate thing, because it's not,it's a two way thing, two parties to likey- not just you, so be aware of vibes you give out! 😃
Good luck

I'm not meeting one person per day - I'd be pretty tired if I was doing that!


I wouldn't imagine I'm sending out a 'desperate vibe', if I were desperate I would probably have settled for someone I'd met from OLD months ago. I don't believe in doing that as it's dishonest (and honesty is VERY important to me) and also I think it would be unfair on the other person to do that. It's not a case of just anyone will do - I want someone I can laugh and joke with and enjoy life with.


I keep seeing words along the lines of I can apparently have kids any time, even when I'm in my 60s... not sure why this is a common belief but it seems to miss the point somewhat that I wouldn't want to be starting a family when I'm that age. Good luck to someone who does... but that someone would not be me.

I lost my Dad at a young age so know what it's like to spend a big chunk of your life missing a parent. I wouldn't want to be putting kids into a position where they'd be likely to experience the same thing. Like I say, if someone wants kids at that age and can do it... fair enough but it isn't what *I* want. :-)