Parents vs Grandparents - Christmas cancelled?

Person_one

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Nope. I ate everything under the sun because I know what it feels like to be genuinely hungry, so I still have a tendency towards 'if I don't eat that now I don't know when I won't get a chance to eat again'. Which is somewhat different to difficulties experienced where one person expresses love through giving junk and doesn't appreciate the problems that can cause in the future, in my opinion.



Could you be projecting your positive memories of amazing grandparents and parents onto your reply?

Please bear in mind that not everybody who has seen the effects of abuse or has it in easily reached branches of their family tree will talk about it as freely as you do, nor should they have to in order to justify their posts.

Do you not think your lengthy response is even a little OTT? Do you not think the OP (if indeed it really happened as described) was even a little bit in the wrong for her behaviour?

maman

Judi wrote: »

All this fuss over a piece of cake. Was it really worth it?

What, worth the cake or worth the fuss?

melanzana

The fact that the OP has not returned says it all for me.

NEXT!

System

maman wrote: »

What, worth the cake or worth the fuss?

The fuss.




message too short

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Person_one wrote: »

Please bear in mind that not everybody who has seen the effects of abuse or has it in easily reached branches of their family tree will talk about it as freely as you do, nor should they have to in order to justify their posts.

Do you not think your lengthy response is even a little OTT? Do you not think the OP (if indeed it really happened as described) was even a little bit in the wrong for her behaviour?

Emotions run high when parenting, self image and food are concerned. It's OK to talk about possibilities, especially when the norm is of supportive, caring and functional relationships - I'd say they were the normal because of the large numbers of posts basically saying 'you'll miss them when they're dead' (in a slightly less direct manner, true, but that's what they boil down to). Add in the likelihood of chronic sleep deprivation from 3 under 3s (I'm guessing, as one is described as a toddler, maybe twin babies?), and it's easy to assume the OP is simply being unreasonable, rather than trying to deal with dynamics that can and do sabotage relationships long with her own issues.

With my friend's example, that guilt is what keeps her quiet 90% of the time. So I've seen her tearful because she's had to buy clothes meant for a kid five years older, that her parents have been on holiday and they've not asked for sweets once, but once they're back, the first thing they've done is buy 8 doughnuts for 2 children, insisting they're all eaten by the next day, or that she asked nicely if the cake could wait until after dinner, only to be faced with anger at criticising him, or offered fruit salad at a family meal, only for her Dad to instantly put four tablespoons of sugar over the kids' plates without being asked.


Sometimes, a short reply isn't enough - not when there can be underlying things to consider, rather than insulting others who might disagree, or might be suggesting a different point of view in the interests of looking at things beyond a simple emotional response. That doesn't fit into 140 characters - if it did, we'd be having these discussions on Twitter, not here. And yes, I do talk about things - because I'm not ashamed of them. Too much is kept quiet in favour of conforming to what is 'Nice' or 'Normal'. Life comes in many different shades, from absolutely awful to absolutely wonderful. Real life tends to fall somewhere in the middle, where some things were/are great and some not. I'm not about to pretend that it doesn't in favour of embarrassing an OP into not bringing up something that doesn't conform to others' views of the world.

FBaby

It all comes down to the pressure we put ourselves as parents somehow believing that every little action we take, or fail to take is going to have a massive impact on the adults they will become.

It's a fact that it is hard to know what is an independent and irrelevant occasion, and what is a small occurrence but which cumulative with other small occurrences become an issue.

I remember how pressured I felt to make sure that I made sure DD read her book when she was in reception class in matter what and somehow managed to convince myself that if she missed just one day, she would fall behind! Of course the reality is that one day there and then made no difference, but if one day had become two, then three etc..., it would have become so.

It's like the pressure and guilt put on parents if they dare taking their kids off for that week in term time, convincing them that that one off event will ruin their kids' chance of a good career when they become adult.

When we convince ourselves that every little bit of discipline is essential, it's hard not to get anxious when others get in the way.

All I would say to OP is that you need to relax. Educating our children is not as dependent of us being strict with our discipline than we think. I spent years installing the notion of brushing teeth for three minutes to my kids every night without fail. I would ask them if they brushed their teeth if they spent a night at their grand-parents. I assumed that if I made it a routine without fail, they would get on with it as older children without thinking..... ha, principles... still have to remind DS at 13 to brush his teeth because I failed to take into consideration that the standard teenage 'I can't be bothered' attitude would take over the well established routines.

When you consider what to do from now on, remember that your DD will be much more affected by her lack of a good grand-parent/grand-child relationship than by the few extra cakes that she gets to eat in her childhood that at worse will form some of the many wonderful memories she will have of her childhood.

FBaby

Just wanted to add, it is because parents have learnt from the above as they have raised their kids that they become much softer grand-parents. It makes me laugh how much more relaxed my parents are about some things compared to when I was a kid! The things that prompt a 'it doesn't matter, it can be cleaned' when it comes to my children that used to provoke a shouted 'FGS, can't you be careful, why do you have to be so messy' when I was the same age!

pollypenny

I have some sympathy with grandparents, if they rarely see the little ones.

I'm in that boat, as my grandsons are in the USA. I'd love to bake with them, but not allowed as GDS 1 does tend to put on weight and has a sweet tooth. However, DIL mother not only bakes constantly, but sends packages of cookies and popcorn down to them.

I might add, she is obese herself and leads a limited life.