Am I wrong !

belinda729

Hi my ex partner is paying the correct amount csa but he has not declared his income to hmrc so there is nothing they can do I had been on at least 3 holidays this yr..
The 450 came Fri. This mnths wages he cannot keep money for a week let alone save anything he was paid on1st and I had spent it all already..he does not make 400 a day he works in sales and sometimes he gets commission which gives him a bit extra but sometimes it's just the bare minimum ...

maman

belinda729 wrote: »

He is impossible to talk to it usually ends up with him calling me names and hurling abuse atme!
Surely when we got together he was taking responsibility for all the kids...
As for maintenance my ex works but doesn't tell hmrc and all he pays is £35 a mnth

You've made that assumption but it's obvious from what he's said and done that he doesn't agree.

shiny76 wrote: »

No.

But being annoyed at him for spending £450 on a collectable coin would depend on your agreement/arrangement as to how your finances are arranged.

You're obviously annoyed and think you have a right to prioritise spending on Christmas presents over his spending on himself.


It does concern me that he has debts and you bail him out when he runs out of money.


My DH and I have choose to have separate finances. We each have our own spending money but AFTER all the household bills are paid. From his own money my DH can buy what he likes, in his case it's antiquarian maps.


I think you need to decide between you (not just for Christmas but ongoing) how you are to divide up the money that comes into your home. If your partner doesn't want to subsidise your 3 older children then that's his choice. It may not be a relationship you want to continue with if he doesn't decide in your favour but that's your choice.

FBaby

I think the problem is before talking in the sense of asking him questions about how he thought you two should budget for Christmas, how much spent on each child, you jumped right with an accusatory comment that had no other meaning but to make him feel guilty. The reaction you got was totally predicted, he turned defensive.

Maybe he is right that this was a real opportunity and a real investment, so it wasn't just about being selfish and indulging himself in his hobby, maybe he did believe (rightly or not) that it was a sound financial decision.

Maybe he did think about the implication for Christmas but worked out that with what he could save this month and next month, there would be enough to treat all the kids.

Maybe he DID think about the family when he made the decision to buy the coin, but instead of you trying to understand his reasons, you bit his head and accused him of maybe the exact opposite of what he did, think it through.

If indeed, the above circumstances were to be correct, it is no surprise he is very angry with your accusations. Communicating is not just about talking, it's more importantly about listening.

maman

belinda729 wrote: »

Hi my ex partner is paying the correct amount csa but he has not declared his income to hmrc so there is nothing they can do I had been on at least 3 holidays this yr..
The 450 came Fri. This mnths wages he cannot keep money for a week let alone save anything he was paid on1st and I had spent it all already..he does not make 400 a day he works in sales and sometimes he gets commission which gives him a bit extra but sometimes it's just the bare minimum ...

Don't you mean He (rather than I) as in your ex has been on holiday and your current partner has spent his disposable income?

belinda729

Yes I meant he sorry

FBaby

Something else that you wrote that I think is impacting on your situation is that you said in one of your first post that he thinks your spend frivolously, so clearly see it that you are judging him for spending on things you don't think is worth the money, but then is expected to accept your spending habits, even though he doesn't agree with them.

justme111

Op , so nobody went in without anything , just that YOU would have preferred to buy presents first. Has he actially had any input in presents - what to buy , how much to spend or is it bot his business and you decide it all the way YOU see fit ? With the coin in isolation I see more wrong with your reaction than with his actions but as you rightly said and other posters pointing out it looks like it is more than just a coin, it is the whole atmosphere and wibe. You and him are not seeing the things the same way with you having been a single mother of 3 before meeting him presumably and him being fancy free man. So each of you has different set of frustrations coupled with his irresponsible attitude to money and I am sure you have one or two downsides that may grate on him as well. I am far more patient these days and would give a chance to one while before I would not even considered someone with attitude to money like your partner. Not sure you are patient and wise enough to be able to handle him , whether there is enough love left for it and whether you want to bother at all. .
To people who are pointing out she was not responsible in not sorting it before and why she stays with him at all - people are not black and white and leaving someone is painful .

Tiddlywinks

This has a whiff of troll about it.... drip feeding of information and short responses.

If not a troll post then I'd say the following to the poster:

You had three children already who should have been your number one priority - why hook up with a man that you say has control and alcohol issues???

You had three children already yet CHOSE to have another with a new man who you clearly have relationships issues with.

When did you discuss and agree the finances? Before getting pregnant, giving up work, moving in? WHEN?

Take some bloomin' responsibility for your own life decisions - YOU have placed yourself in this position and, selfishly, you have also placed your children here too.

Stop looking for sympathy and start looking at yourself as part of the problem.

YOU need to get a grip, get a job and start taking some control of your life.

belinda729

No I am not a troll I just have a one yr old and can't spend all day on an internet forum just logging in when I can...but thanks for your comments

Tiddlywinks

belinda729 wrote: »

No I am not a troll I just have a one yr old and can't spend all day on an internet forum just logging in when I can...but thanks for your comments

What's your response to my questions though?

belinda729 wrote: »

He is impossible to talk to it usually ends up with him calling me names and hurling abuse atme!
Surely when we got together he was taking responsibility for all the kids...

Why did you choose to have a baby with a man like this?

When did you discuss and organise your finances with this man? Before you lived together, got pregnant, gave up work? WHEN?

You had choices - YOU chose to leave work, have a baby, shack up with this man.

You kids don't have that luxury - you have forced them into this life so you need to sort it out rather than blame others for your own choices.