Am I wrong !

ognum

justme111 wrote: »

Hi Belinda.
I feel for you getting upset. 4 children is a tough call and then you haveba partner you do not get on well with..
It always annoys me when people advisr "to talk " on this thread. Surely the issue is there in the first place because people do not manage to talk ! So advising them to talk is like advising a legless person to do a high jump - upsetting.
Whether you are right to get annoyed at him to spend that miney on himself is impossible to tell. One would have to know so many more things in order to build a picture in one's head ypu would not have had enough time till Christmas to describe it all.
What you definitely NOT right to do is to try to force his hand into how you want him to spend his money. It is disrespectful, unsexy and harmful.
You say he gurld abuse at you while talking - any chance you are talking "at" him rather than "to" him ? As it would be the usual men's reaction to a woman who tries to control him.
From what you written and from what others say about your other threads your partnership is doomed , coin or no coin. So coin is the least of your problems. Sorry to say that.
Ah , and one more thing - in my view you are very irreasonable with this children and Christmas issue. Do you believe that the more money one spends on children on Christmas the better ? So you create an argumemt in the house for the sake of them getting more than £50 each on gifts ? Andbypu think they will benefit from it ?

I think you are wrong to suggest that encouraging people to communicate is not useful. The OP clearly did not have clear and useful communication prior to moving in and parenting a child but these threads help other people as well as the OP and if reading them encourages another person to talk with their partner it has helped someone.

If as a couple they could find some form of help or mediation they would be stronger and better parents, don't dissuade others from understanding the usefulness of communication

belinda729

Am struggling to understand some of the logic on here..if he had kids and they lived with us I would treat them exactly the same as I do my own, ifni couldn't afford it for all I wouldn't buy for any.

belinda729

I have asked him to attend relate but he refuses saying things will get better... I'm still waiting for that

justme111

Yes I think that suggestion for you to work with 4 children , one if which is a baby was thoughtless to say the least.
So you do not think you caused an argument ? Did you or did not you tell him how disapproving were you of his purchase ?
Re putting family before himself - so how exactly your family's life was affected by him buying that coin ?
When one asks so wide a question it is impossible to reply. As it can be anything , from children going hungry and a man spending money on booze to someone wanting to buy a child Christmas gift at £100 while a man does not feel he can never go out with workmates for christmas do or any other celebrations year after years because he can not afford a round

Izadora

belinda729 wrote: »

Am struggling to understand some of the logic on here..if he had kids and they lived with us I would treat them exactly the same as I do my own, ifni couldn't afford it for all I wouldn't buy for any.

The fact that it's what you would do is completely irrelevant though, if that's not how he sees the situation then it's not how he's going to act. Unless you'd had the conversation with him before you moved in together there's no way to know how he viewed his role towards your children.

ognum

belinda729 wrote: »

Am struggling to understand some of the logic on here..if he had kids and they lived with us I would treat them exactly the same as I do my own, ifni couldn't afford it for all I wouldn't buy for any.

OP, you asked a question 'Am I wrong'. You have had several replies, some people believe you are wrong, others believe you are misguided, others believe you are in the wrong relationship etc etc etc.

Like many posters that is not what you want to hear so you don't like it much but that is the way it is on forums. People disagree with you!

*GasMonkey*

This is very sad to read.

Take everything and everyone out the picture.
imagine it is just you and your partner, no one else...

What would you talk about? what would you do together? would you be happy? would you look through his collections with him and listen to his tales about the adventure he went on to get this rare coin and the bartering he did to get it? would you enjoy seeing him so happy talking about his hobby?

Are you happy? can this work? what do you have in common apart from children?

belinda729

It wasn't affected as such uust the fact that if he hadn't bought it the we could have bought the Xmas presents and I wouldn't be stressed for next month wondering how I am going to pay for them.

I guess its just the general feeling I get from the relationship is that he puts himself before anyone else, and I'm not sure I want to be with someone like that

Guest101

belinda729 wrote: »

It wasn't affected as such uust the fact that if he hadn't bought it the we could have bought the Xmas presents and I wouldn't be stressed for next month wondering how I am going to pay for them.

I guess its just the general feeling I get from the relationship is that he puts himself before anyone else, and I'm not sure I want to be with someone like that

Just curious as it does help to shape the whole situation, what's his take home pay?


Given he has debts etc that he struggles with, I presume it's not a lot.


If he's been saving a bit each month to treat himself that's perfectly reasonable. Why shouldn't he

*GasMonkey*

That is a great start... you have doubts about this relationships

You can't force anyone to be someone or something that they are not, but you can tell them what your ideal relationship would be like and if that is not for them then you both have an answer...

if there is some compromise from both side that takes your relationship to a happier place then great!!

But you have to ask yourself if you are willing to work and compromise?

Do you know how he feels about your older children? maybe he thinks its not his place to be a father to them?

He doesn't have as much experience as you as a parent and entered a ready made family, maybe he doesn't feel welcome or like a part of the family?

If he isn't willing to go to counselling with you as a couple you can still go alone?