Am I wrong !

ognum

belinda729 wrote: »

It wasn't affected as such uust the fact that if he hadn't bought it the we could have bought the Xmas presents and I wouldn't be stressed for next month wondering how I am going to pay for them.

I guess its just the general feeling I get from the relationship is that he puts himself before anyone else, and I'm not sure I want to be with someone like that

So this is more important than the alchohol abuse and the abusiveness?

paddy's_mum

justme111 wrote: »

putting family before himself - so how exactly your family's life was affected by him buying that coin ?

Not picking on this post in particular but I do suggest that a man who spends a large amount of money on something only he wants and which is of no value to the family of which he is a member while he has debts is not the behaviour of a selfless, kindly man.

We've all seen and heard only too often what happens to a marriage/family when financial disaster comes knocking at the door along with the bailiffs and I can completely understand that OP is probably quite frightened as well as exasperated and frustrated by the partner's disregard of her worries.

benten69

I think you are both wrong. He has every right to spend some of his hard earned on himself, and in that respect hasn't done anything wrong. HOWEVER, if he had £600 (£150 he gave you + £450 he spent on the coin), then he should have maybe split it more evenly and said "here's £300 for presents, but I am keeping £300 to treat myself this month".

I would say that's fair, and any extra you need over and above £300 could have come from this months wages.

End of the day, children (baby, 8, 12 & 16 year olds) don't NEED expensive presents. Sure, when I was a child I wanted them, and occasionally we got them, but not always. Sometimes we got 1-2 small things, and older siblings would a few small things for us also.

Sure, as child you think "oh, I was hoping for xxx", but it's not the be-all end all. They soon get over it, and for me, as a result....I learnt that xmas is more than just presents, it's about family. These days, the thing I look forward to the most is seeing my family at xmas, not giving or receiving gifts that no-one really needs.

So I think it's been handled badly all round really.

helcat26

Why did you have a child with someone before sorting these issues out?

AylesburyDuck

justme111 wrote: »

Yes I think that suggestion for you to work with 4 children , one if which is a baby was thoughtless to say the least.
So you do not think you caused an argument ? Did you or did not you tell him how disapproving were you of his purchase ?
Re putting family before himself - so how exactly your family's life was affected by him buying that coin ?
When one asks so wide a question it is impossible to reply. As it can be anything , from children going hungry and a man spending money on booze to someone wanting to buy a child Christmas gift at £100 while a man does not feel he can never go out with workmates for christmas do or any other celebrations year after years because he can not afford a round

Persumably by her having to bail him out money wise before next pay day.
She did point this out.

Lily-Rose_3

benten69 wrote: »

I think you are both wrong. He has every right to spend some of his hard earned on himself, and in that respect hasn't done anything wrong. HOWEVER, if he had £600 (£150 he gave you + £450 he spent on the coin), then he should have maybe split it more evenly and said "here's £300 for presents, but I am keeping £300 to treat myself this month".

I would say that's fair, and any extra you need over and above £300 could have come from this months wages.

So I think it's been handled badly all round really.

Totally disagree with this.

If he had £600, it should have gone into the family pot and shared, and it should have been discussed with the OP what the money was going to be spent on. Saying 'I am putting £150 towards gifts and spending the rest on myself and my hobby' is completely out of order. He is a family man with responsibilities, and can't just 'treat himself' to £450 pressies!

Where are the OP's 'treats?' What if SHE decided to squander £450 on a pointless piece of metal? She would be vilified for it probably, and her partner would have hit the roof!

What the OP is having to tolerate, is exactly what many women have to put up with when they are with selfish, thoughtless men who think that because they earn more money, it gives them a right to spend more on themselves.

If this were me, I would be making sure the coin was sent back, and the money came back into the family where it belongs!

Guest101

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Totally disagree with this.

If he had £600, it should have gone into the family pot and shared - Why? What if he'd been saving this money to treat himself for months? , and it should have been discussed with the OP what the money was going to be spent on. Saying 'I am putting £150 towards gifts and spending the rest on myself and my hobby' is completely out of order. He is a family man with responsibilities, and can't just 'treat himself' to £450 pressies! - Well again that's kind of a limited view point, he could make £450 a day and easily justify it.

Where are the OP's 'treats?' - Again you don't know if this money was from this months wages, or saved for ages or what. What if SHE decided to squander £450 on a pointless piece of metal? She would be vilified for it probably, and her partner would have hit the roof! - possibly. I think there's plenty of view points on what is and isn't squandering.

What the OP is having to tolerate, is exactly what many women have to put up with when they are with selfish, thoughtless men who think that because they earn more money, it gives them a right to spend more on themselves.

If this were me, I would be making sure the coin was sent back, and the money came back into the family where it belongs!

Again you don't know the full story and neither do I, which is why I asked the OP the question

helcat26

It is not all his family though is it?- and it would appear that there was no discussion about him agreeing to support the other children.
Op needs to go back to father (s) of other children and ensure they are giving correct csa and not in arrears as indicated in other posts.
OP then needs to have a frank discussion with current partner about finances.
Ideally then the OP then needs not to have anymore children until she has determined how to support them.

Lily-Rose_3

helcat26 wrote: »

It is not all his family though is it?- and it would appear that there was no discussion about him agreeing to support the other children.
Op needs to go back to father (s) of other children and ensure they are giving correct csa and not in arrears as indicated in other posts.
OP then needs to have a frank discussion with current partner about finances.
Ideally then the OP then needs not to have anymore children until she has determined how to support them.

They are still a couple, and yes they are a family. They are living together as a family. What he spends needs to be discussed with the OP; he can't just go squandering nearly half a grand on a piece of metal without discussing it with her!

I can't actually believe some of the things I am reading from some people on this thread!

'Oh it's HIS money' 'they're not all his kids' and so on and so on.

I do agree that the OP needs to have a VERY serious conversation with this man though!

helcat26

And I cannot believe she did not have this VERY SERIOUS discussion before living with him, having a baby with him and expecting him to support her children from a prior relationship.


Irresponsible parenting for new baby and existing kids