Going solo

cyantist

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

Why do you feel you have to have a child? Why not adoption?

There's is nothing wrong (in my opinion) in asking if the OP has considered it. I asked that earlier and got a very balanced reply. But it's not easy and there's a huge amount of hurdles to jump through.

The "just adopt" thing is something you always hear, usually from people who have no idea how hard it is to even get a child through adoption

FBaby

Do people really think if the Mum hadn't intended it, that will make a child's potential reaction any different?

I think that is exactly the reason why people have different views. In my opinion, yes, I do think it makes a huge difference. It's the difference between knowing you were wanted and not. My OH lost his dad when he was a toddler. Don't remember him and never missed him. It had no impact on him whatsoever. My step-mum (father's new wife) was raised by a single mum who got pregnant in a one night stand (and as she was a certain age, she believed that she just went and got pregnant without carrying who from). She struggled all her life with the knowledge that her biological father knew nothing of her. When she was in her 40s and her mum dad, she decided to trace her father and she did. Unsurprisingly, he wanted nothing to do with her and she felt completely rejected once again.

So yes, I think it can make a huge difference. However, as said before, I think how any person is affected depends very much on their personality rather than the situation. Unfortunately, children's personality can't be molded and it's not possible to know in advance how they are likely to react.

OP, I think you are being very honest with yourself and I don't blame you. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't become a mum. Probably learn to live with it and hopefully make the best of it, but I'm pretty sure I would always have felt that something essential was missing.

Redacted

FBaby wrote: »

My step-mum (father's new wife) was raised by a single mum who got pregnant in a one night stand (and as she was a certain age, she believed that she just went and got pregnant without carrying who from). She struggled all her life with the knowledge that her biological father knew nothing of her. When she was in her 40s and her mum dad, she decided to trace her father and she did. Unsurprisingly, he wanted nothing to do with her and she felt completely rejected once again.

You're kind of making my point for me. You say your step-mum assumes her mum did it deliberately - presumably that means her mother has never admitted as much. Exactly how can her mum prove she didn't do it deliberately? Your step-mum has formed her own beliefs about the intent, irrespective of what the truth may have been.

She may be right. She may be wrong. At the end of the day, it's not the mum's actual intent that's caused your step-mum pain - you said it yourself. It was her living with the fact her dad didn't know of her existence and then rejecting her when he did find out. Would it not have hurt just as much to find out he had known of her existence and rejected her from the outset? Or having a parent who decides they're moving on with their life when the relationship ends?

To me the op's choice is preferable. The child will know the Dad voluntarily donated his sperm, knowing it would be used to make a baby or at least try to make one. They will know their mum wanted them. And they will be able to know who their Dad is when they reach 18.

FBaby

At the end of the day, it's not the mum's actual intent that's caused your step-mum pain - you said it yourself. It was her living with the fact her dad didn't know of her existence and then rejecting her when he did find out.

I don't think you can forcibly separate the two. If she hadn't intended to get pregnant at any costs (allegedly), her dad might have known her existence, and therefore things might have been different.

Her issue, and I have to say I never totally understood it myself, but it did cause her great mental pain, is that she hadn't been conceived a wanted baby by her dad, so that feeling of rejection stems as far back as the time of conception.

I think the reason is because she grew up in an environment where she was the only one without a dad, except for a few whose dad had died, and she compared herself to her friends who were very much loved by their dad, and she then got it in her head that her situation was even worse than those whose dad had died because at least they'd been loved for some time whereas she wasn't wanted at all.

As said though, it wasn't her circumstances that caused her trouble, it was how she reacted to them. What we will never know is whether if her circumstances been different (raised by a mum and dad who both loved her), she would have been absolutely fine, or something else would have triggered similar feelings or rejection.

FBaby

Saying the above, I think OP might like to read this if she hasn't yet.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11938713/Sperm-donor-children-are-fine-without-fathers-says-Cambridge-University.html

It shows that depending on the research, you will find evidence that kids from donor sperm are not affected, whilst others show that they are. As expected, not a black or white outcome.

mark5

If your paying for the child and not expecting the state to pick up the tab then I can't see the problem.

Having children is hard work though, don't under estimate how much easier it would be if the job were shared between 2 parents.

I know you hear the stories about the father not paying child support but a lot of single mothers probably do receive financial support so although they are a single parent, they are not paying for the full cost of the child themselves.

If you have a child your employment options will be more restricted with school hours, child care, school holidays, the child being sick and child minder refusing to take them etc.

At 34 your chances of getting pregnant are probably decreasing rapidly so if you are going to do it, it probably needs to be sooner rather than later!

Soundgirlrocks

FBaby wrote: »

Saying the above, I think OP might like to read this if she hasn't yet.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11938713/Sperm-donor-children-are-fine-without-fathers-says-Cambridge-University.html

It shows that depending on the research, you will find evidence that kids from donor sperm are not affected, whilst others show that they are. As expected, not a black or white outcome.

Interesting article thanks FBaby!

Soundgirlrocks

mark5 wrote: »

At 34 your chances of getting pregnant are probably decreasing rapidly so if you are going to do it, it probably needs to be sooner rather than later!

At 34 I'm not panicking just yet! But here is better info http://yourfertility.org.au/for-women/age/