Going solo

Soundgirlrocks

Ozzuk wrote: »

What an odd thing to say - its hardly the same. Sure, it would be wrong to decide you wanted to get pregnant and therefore went out and slept with someone refusing to give your name just to get their sperm. Well I'd say that was wrong!

Yes I agree that tricking a man into getting you pregnant is morally reprehensible and wrong.

Ozzuk wrote: »

To the OP, real tough one. How old is your mum? That could be another big factor. I think it's far from ideal, possibly even not fair on the child but I do think the biggest thing is the quality of life, care and love you could provide. If they get the best of all that then they are already better off than some two/split up parent families.

My mum is 56 and very young, fit and active 56 but its not relevant as I wouldn't expect my mum to be helping that much I would very much be solo (don't get me wrong she would be a dotting grandma but wouldn't be babysitting, doing school runs etc) I know I have a lot of love to give a child and would provide a stable, loving and creative home.

LilElvis

A couple of places where you can get both support and information are Fertility Friends http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/ and Donor Conception Network http://www.dcnetwork.org/

We have a daughter thanks to egg donation and I found a lot of really great advice from both these resources. We knew from the outset that we were going to be open with our child as to how she came to us so we had treatment in the UK with an identifiable donor, read (a lot! ) of stuff about how to tell her and bought resource books.

If you're unsure whether to go down the solo-parenting route then you might want to also look at egg-freezing as a possible plan, though it is costly and might require a few cycles to ensure sufficient eggs.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

FBaby

There are lots of people who I would consider selfish in having children that they can't support financially or don't have the emotional maturity to be parents yet go ahead any way

Ultimately it is your decision and yours only, but I don't think justifying it because other people have children for selfish reason is ok. There are many messed up kids out there and the reason often starts because their parents were/are selfish.

I personally think you have time still to consider it. A lot can happen still in the next 10 years.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Ultimately it is your decision and yours only, but I don't think justifying it because other people have children for selfish reason is ok.

Everybody who has a child has it for selfish reasons! People have children because they want children, simple as that, selflessness may come later but its not part of the initial choice.

makingplans4nigel

I'm a psychic and I got a very strong and clear feeling from reading your message that you will meet the right guy and his name is Tim Der.

FBaby

Everybody who has a child has it for selfish reasons! People have children because they want children, simple as that, selflessness may come later but its not part of the initial choice.

Well yes, ultimately we have children because we want them, so from that perspective, it is always a selfish decision, but what is meant by this is selfish as in knowing you are not going to offer the best environment for your child that you wish to offer, but you still go ahead with it because what you want is more important.

groovy_chick

First of all, well done for considering this brave decision

I am a single mother due to divorce and have not experienced AI but a friend of mine did. She was divorced and, at around 40 years old, she went to Spain and had the procedure there, as it was much cheaper. She now is the most devoted and smitten mother that I know.

Bringing children up on your own is hard; you are mum and dad, good cop and bad cop, the breadwinner and the carer. It is a juggling act and it can be hard to always be the one who makes the decisions and does all the worrying. That said, I don't have to argue with anyone about parenting styles or whether I am doing the right thing (unless I asked for advice on here that is !!).

Things to consider is that in the UK there is no anonymity for sperm donors, so once your child is 18 they could seek out a man that you have never met.

You could meet a man at any time, with or without a child of your own, but you can't turn back the clock and get any younger. I'm not suggesting that your time is running out anytime soon, but it is good to know in your own mind what you might consider in a few years time.

Best wishes

x

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Well yes, ultimately we have children because we want them, so from that perspective, it is always a selfish decision, but what is meant by this is selfish as in knowing you are not going to offer the best environment for your child that you wish to offer, but you still go ahead with it because what you want is more important.

I think that applies to loads of other parents too. You've repeatedly said that you wish you had more time to spend with your children, so you don't offer the best environment you wish to offer either, was it unacceptably selfish for you to have your children? Other parents don't have as much money as they'd like to be able to give their child holidays and other experiences, some know that they can only have one child even though they'd prefer for them to have siblings, some know there is a risk they may pass on a health condition etc etc.

Who are any of us to decide what is an acceptable level of selfishness when it comes to who should have children and who shouldn't?

MPD

Every parent has a reasonable expectation that their child will have to cope with their parents dying. Having a child knowing this is selfish.

cyantist

Person_one wrote: »

Everybody who has a child has it for selfish reasons! People have children because they want children, simple as that, selflessness may come later but its not part of the initial choice.

I don't think that is always true (but it is in the vast majority of cases). Adoption can be pretty selfless.

OP, could you consider adopting? If I was single now I think it's what I'd consider, but if it's not something you think would be right for you then egg freezing would give you more options. Even if you did meet someone and wanted a child in a few years time, having frozen your eggs takes the pressure off.

As for whether it's selfish - I think having a child when there's a high risk you'd pass on a (serious) health condition is way more selfish than having a child as a single person, as is having a child you know you can't provide for. But other people will disagree.