Going solo

Soundgirlrocks

cyantist wrote: »

I don't think that is always true (but it is in the vast majority of cases). Adoption can be pretty selfless.

OP, could you consider adopting? If I was single now I think it's what I'd consider, but if it's not something you think would be right for you then egg freezing would give you more options. Even if you did meet someone and wanted a child in a few years time, having frozen your eggs takes the pressure off.

Adoption is something I had though about and isn't something I've complete ruled out however (and I realise some people will condemn me for this) children who are placed for adoption these days generally have issues resulting from the horrific situations they are taken from. It is very rare that babies are placed for adoption before any developmental problems have occurred. The extra special care that an adoptive child would need coupled with it just being me is intimidating. I know I could cope on my own if I gave birth to a child with learning or physical disability (all be it it would be v hard) but voluntarily taking a child with those kind of problems and loving them is a different matter.

barbarawright

With IVF, don't you have a fairly good chance of twins? Would you be able to cope with two babies?

LilElvis

barbarawright wrote: »

With IVF, don't you have a fairly good chance of twins? Would you be able to cope with two babies?

She's considering AI (artificial insemination), which is completely different to IVF. Her chance of having twins with this procedure would be exactly the same as it would be with natural conception. With IVF you generally only stand a chance of having twins if you have two embryos transferred (slim possibility of identical twins with a single embryo transfer).

dirty_magic

I think it's better for a child to be wanted even if it is by a single parent. A child who doesn't have a relationship with their biological father can still have a loving family life. Does everyone who thinks the OP shouldn't do it disagree with gay couples having children too? There still wouldn't be a mom and a dad.

There are so many children out there in standard man/woman/child families that aren't cared for properly, surely if this child is wanted it would be off to a good start?

UKTigerlily

tea_lover wrote: »

So everyone who's ever found themselves pregnant after a nameless one-night stand shouldn't go ahead with it then?

Yes, because if contraception fails that's hardly within her control is it? If she didn't bother then she knew she could get pregnant & no, I don't agree with that as it's pretty much the same situation.

UKTigerlily

I have no issue with gay couples having kids at all. Also, if I knew the OP & this is what she decided to do, I may not think it the right decision for *me* but would fully support her right to do so. I guess posting here means she gets all opinions, maybe things she didn't think of too etc so she can take from it what is useful, think over any points she didn't already & make a more informed decision

I have no problem with gay people doing it, or even if the OP used a gay guy as the donor & he was in the child's life, I have a problem with knowingly bringing a child into the world without both parents. What I mean is, it takes two to make a baby. It is impossible to have a child with only one parent, and to cut out the other parent & deprive the child of the other half of their family (the most important thing) is, to me, wrong

Things like it being harder as a single parent are down to the OP as in that is up to her, that affects her alone. Yes, many do bring children into the world when they are total scum, but there's nothing I or the OP or any of you can do about that, and this isn't about those people; if any of them asked my opinion i'd gladly give it!

I believe having children is a privilege not a right, that the child must come first no matter how desperately the Mother may want a baby & just because you *can* do something, or *want* to, doesn't mean you should when that decision has such a major impact on other people

If I were that child, i'd want to know who my Dad was. If someone has a one night stand, and falls pregnant, then they also chose to have a baby with no Father/2nd parent, so to me it's the same thing. If contraception is used & fails, then they didn't *intend* to become a single parent

That child will have schoolfriends with two parents, but will only ever have you. They won't know half of their family, who their Dad is, nothing. My Cousin gave her child up for adoption & they found each other last year, and her child always wanted to know who the Parents were. I guess I just don't understand why you'd put your needs over theirs, when I always thought that the child came first (in most situations, obviously their need to take drugs etc don't apply)

It's not the same - to me - to say having a child at all is selfish, of course it is, but what if you were homeless? Would any decent person plan a baby knowing it'd be on the streets? What if you were in a domestic violence situation, would you plan it? If you were dying of cancer? When it comes down to their needs v the parents, and they have no say in it, then I don't think that they should have something so important taken away from them. We aren't talking about not having a 5 bedroom home & private schooling, or not having holidays abroad & a Chihuahua, we're talking about a Father.

Yep, some Dads are worse than useless, so are some Mums. Some Mums would be better off without the Dads around (& the kids) but to go into it *intentionally* cutting a Father out without the child's being ok with that, is wrong IMO. What will you say to your Daughter who is devastated she has no Dad to walk her down the aisle? (if the baby is a girl, she marries etc etc) . . . what about when they come home upset as they couldn't do a Father's Day card @ school like all the other kids? And again, lots of kids have no Dad or Mum *but* these are situations that can come about due to you intentionally depriving that child of a Dad

Plus, what message does it send? That men are only good for sperm donation? What about freezing your eggs for a time when you meet the right guy to do this with? I don't have a close family but can't imagine not having had my Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles & Cousins. A Dad usually means more love, more support, someone to go to when Mum won't lend a tenner XD

You get the idea, all just thoughts for you & my opinion as someone who has considered doing the very same as you are now x

theoretica

I suspect there are also men who would like to be fathers, but haven't found the right partner. If you could form a parenting alliance with someone it would at least in theory, answer a number of the negative points raised.

cazs

I would echo the thoughts of one of the posters above, as I was reading through, I did wonder if adoption may be a suitable alternative route for you. I do understand the point you made about adopted children often coming with 'issues' and also understand why that would be a particularly big step for someone alone, but no harm in investigating the process further alongside the other so you know full details on both options.

Regards the rights and wrongs, I don't think anyone can really give you an answer. Reality is, in everyday life, any person/couple can decide to have a child or is even unexpectedly pregnant and they don't seek any kind of public approval. All kinds of people in all kinds of situation have kid/s.

I'm only slightly younger than you, also have a stable flat/job in London but can't say I've really thought about this kind of thing for myself though I'm on the fence myself about children and whether it would be a 'good thing' for me or not, I suppose I'd worry a lot about the practicalities of deliberately raising a child solo but many do do that, albeit as a result of the OH leaving.

Tough one, I sympathise, or should that be empathise, with your situation.

System

My daughter has adopted two little boys in South Africa. When she told me what she was planning to do my first reaction was to say "No, a child needs a Mother and Father" but when i came to think about it i changed my mind.

As long as her sons have good solid male role models around them i cant see it being a problem.

melanzana

I am childless.

So liberating.

Each to their own though, I totally realise that.

I love minding my nieces and nephews. Such fun and I can hand them back. LOL.

Never missed having a child of my own. Have seen the constant involvement of parents even when the "child" is an adult.

No, not for me. But it is an individual thing.

Have a child for the right reasons always. Not just for you.