Going solo

Soundgirlrocks

So my 34th birthday is looming at the end of the month and I'm starting to become increasingly aware that I'm single and the biological clock is ticking. Whilst I'm not panicking just yet (and having spoken to both my mum and grandmothers all of whom didn't have any menopausal systems till they were 45+) I'm starting to consider a plan B of using a sperm donor and going it alone.

I'm in the fortunate position of having my own flat with a sizeable LTV and could move out of London to an area closer to my mum and buy a home outright and have a small saving pot of £20-£30k. I would need to change job, and my field is quite specialist but I'm confident I could get some work somewhere even if its stacking shelfs. I'm not thinking of doing this in the immediate future but at the back of my mind is if I've not met any one in the next 3 years then this is the course Ill take.

I'd love to hear from any other single mums that have taken this route. Obviously there wouldn't be any child support from a ex partner and my biggest concern is managing financially. Not having a mortgage would be a massive help and I would have the savings to help in the first few years when realistically I don't think I would be working.

Has any one else done AI and how do you cope? Im also slightly concerned about the possible impact of deliberately choosing to be a single mum on the child.

paddy's_mum

I'm torn between thinking it selfish to have what you want without the benefit for the child of having a Dad around and the knowledge that many people end up as single parents anyway and your child would be one among many in that position.

However, in your shoes, I'd be sounding out your Mum before planning anything. If you are half thinking that she will be your back-up plan, you need to know for sure that she is happy to be in that position. Many a grandmother loves the child but does not want that big a hand in the rearing of said child.

I adore my own grandchildren but oh my, it's good to hand them back to their parents too!

UKTigerlily

Hi, i'm not a parent but am giving my opinion (sorry, it might not be one you want to hear) as someone aged almost 38, who also has no kids & desperately wants them

I realise there are children with no Dad around, and single Mother's who have split with their OH or he has passed away etc, but they went into it with the Dad in the picture

I feel it's selfish in that a child needs it's Dad, and to intentionally cut off one side of a family isn't ok, family should mean more than anything. Now, I realise that the Dad could be around & have no extended family & be a waste of space, but nothing could change that.

Dads are as important as Mums, and I do 100% understand that need & longing for a child, and for me it can never happen, but I still know that i'd've always wanted to know about my Dad, and would wish I had my Grandparents etc (& for me, my Grandparents were way closer than my Parents)

I just feel it's wrong to bring a child into the world, knowing you deliberately did it so they'd never have their Dad, for your benefit. I'm sorry that sounds harsh (& it is), but I have considered it myself, do understand that sometimes it's so hard you feel you'd do whatever it takes (for me I even considered 1 night stands!) but if the reverse were true, and a guy wanted a child without the Mum, people would say that's not right (look at the stick Elton John gets .. and for me a two Parent family of any gender combination is fine, just not one person doing it for their reasons above the childs, to me the child should come first)

Just think, what're the benefits to the child? If you die, it's an orphan right away. It's one thing if the Dad leaves, that can't be helped, but to bring the child into the world knowing they have no Dad is wrong IMO

Either way, i'm so sorry you are maybe feeling how I do, and also my Stepdad's Sister had a baby naturally @ 45 (healthy) so if it's meant to be, it will be, and I have to believe that!

missbiggles1

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

So my 34th birthday is looming at the end of the month and I'm starting to become increasingly aware that I'm single and the biological clock is ticking. Whilst I'm not panicking just yet (and having spoken to both my mum and grandmothers all of whom didn't have any menopausal systems till they were 45+) I'm starting to consider a plan B of using a sperm donor and going it alone.

I'm in the fortunate position of having my own flat with a sizeable LTV and could move out of London to an area closer to my mum and buy a home outright and have a small saving pot of £20-£30k. I would need to change job, and my field is quite specialist but I'm confident I could get some work somewhere even if its stacking shelfs. I'm not thinking of doing this in the immediate future but at the back of my mind is if I've not met any one in the next 3 years then this is the course Ill take.

I'd love to hear from any other single mums that have taken this route. Obviously there wouldn't be any child support from a ex partner and my biggest concern is managing financially. Not having a mortgage would be a massive help and I would have the savings to help in the first few years when realistically I don't think I would be working.

Has any one else done AI and how do you cope? Im also slightly concerned about the possible impact of deliberately choosing to be a single mum on the child.

Although that is important, I really think you should look at the other issues involved in this course of action which are really far more important.

Soundgirlrocks

paddy's_mum wrote: »

However, in your shoes, I'd be sounding out your Mum before planning anything. If you are half thinking that she will be your back-up plan, you need to know for sure that she is happy to be in that position. Many a grandmother loves the child but does not want that big a hand in the rearing of said child.

I adore my own grandchildren but oh my, it's good to hand them back to their parents too!

Its something we have already spoken about, the help would be minimal to say the least & I'm ok with that. Moving closer to her would more be a practical aspect in that housing is cheaper, and socially I would be spending more time with family (there are a lot of us and being in London I'm cut off from that)

tea_lover

UKTigerlily wrote: »

It's one thing if the Dad leaves, that can't be helped, but to bring the child into the world knowing they have no Dad is wrong IMO

So everyone who's ever found themselves pregnant after a nameless one-night stand shouldn't go ahead with it then?

Person_one

So many children these days grow up in families that aren't the typical traditional Mum, Dad, sibling or two and the family dog setup. Some have two mums, two dads, 3 parents, only one parent, a parent they live with and another parent who may as well not exist, foster or adoptive parents + birth parents they still have contact with, siblings or aunties/uncles or grandparents acting as parents etc. that I don't think the fact that there will only be you bringing the child up is such a pearl clutching shocking thing these days, surely?

If you can't bear the thought of not at least trying to become a parent, and you have a supportive caring family yourself and feel that you can bring a child up with love and stability then I certainly think you should consider doing it alone. Be realistic about how difficult it will be though, both physically and emotionally.

Soundgirlrocks

UKTigerlily wrote: »

Hi, i'm not a parent but am giving my opinion (sorry, it might not be one you want to hear) as someone aged almost 38, who also has no kids & desperately wants them

I realise there are children with no Dad around, and single Mother's who have split with their OH or he has passed away etc, but they went into it with the Dad in the picture

I feel it's selfish in that a child needs it's Dad, and to intentionally cut off one side of a family isn't ok, family should mean more than anything. Now, I realise that the Dad could be around & have no extended family & be a waste of space, but nothing could change that.

Dads are as important as Mums, and I do 100% understand that need & longing for a child, and for me it can never happen, but I still know that i'd've always wanted to know about my Dad, and would wish I had my Grandparents etc (& for me, my Grandparents were way closer than my Parents)

I just feel it's wrong to bring a child into the world, knowing you deliberately did it so they'd never have their Dad, for your benefit. I'm sorry that sounds harsh (& it is), but I have considered it myself, do understand that sometimes it's so hard you feel you'd do whatever it takes (for me I even considered 1 night stands!) but if the reverse were true, and a guy wanted a child without the Mum, people would say that's not right (look at the stick Elton John gets .. and for me a two Parent family of any gender combination is fine, just not one person doing it for their reasons above the childs, to me the child should come first)

Just think, what're the benefits to the child? If you die, it's an orphan right away. It's one thing if the Dad leaves, that can't be helped, but to bring the child into the world knowing they have no Dad is wrong IMO

Either way, i'm so sorry you are maybe feeling how I do, and also my Stepdad's Sister had a baby naturally @ 45 (healthy) so if it's meant to be, it will be, and I have to believe that!

Yes it is something Ive thought about but any argument for having children is ultimately a selfish one because the parents want them, no child asks to be born. There are lots of people who I would consider selfish in having children that they can't support financially or don't have the emotional maturity to be parents yet go ahead any way. Yes there is a risk that the child could be orphaned but there is a risk of that with two parents, I'm healthy, no risk factors and have two younger siblings who if the worst happened would step in.

I have an Aunt who hasn't had children and I've seen how its eaten her up, poisoning family relationships because she can't bear to be around nieces and nephews once they started to have their own children. I think watching the next generation start families made her realise it wasn't ever going to happen for her. I know that part of that is how you deal with the cards life has dealt you but its such a big thing to get past. I know people will say focus on nieces, nephews and friends children it isn't the same.

Ozzuk

tea_lover wrote: »

So everyone who's ever found themselves pregnant after a nameless one-night stand shouldn't go ahead with it then?

What an odd thing to say - its hardly the same. Sure, it would be wrong to decide you wanted to get pregnant and therefore went out and slept with someone refusing to give your name just to get their sperm. Well I'd say that was wrong!

To the OP, real tough one. How old is your mum? That could be another big factor. I think it's far from ideal, possibly even not fair on the child but I do think the biggest thing is the quality of life, care and love you could provide. If they get the best of all that then they are already better off than some two/split up parent families.

AubreyMac

A family friend of mine is 44 and is pregnant with her first child (due in 3 weeks).

When she was in her mid 30s she started thinking the way you did. Back then she was in a relationship with a man unsuitable for her and questioned whether she should just get pregnant by him anyway. Luckily she didn’t and was rid of him.

Anyway, last year she got really desperate and looked into sperm donor. Her sister has a child using sperm donor (her eggs were fertilised with a donor before starting cancer treatment), but decided against it as it felt too ‘clinical’. Instead, she asked a casual male friend to impregnate her and he agreed. He lives abroad and I’m not sure why he agreed, he knows that he’s not going be have an active father role because of the distance. Perhaps he thought he was being kind in helping her have what she wants, or perhaps he didn’t think at all and just saw the offer of sex!

This family friend is financially stable with a good support network. And I feel confident her child will be provided for well and much loved seeing as the kid is very much longed for, by her at least.

Some may say its selfish but even in a loving solid relationship, isn’t having a child for the parents (usually) anyway?

Yes, you may be deliberately going into this as a single parent. But we are not living in an era now where being a single parent is a huge stigma.

Many broody women may end up getting pregnant by just any man who turn out to be awful fathers – I think that is worse to be honest (but some think its ok if she had a willing father to begin with!).

My brother in law has a child from a previous relationship. He felt tricked into having a kid. He was in love and in a good relationship with a older woman. He was dumped soon after their child was born and later found out she had failed ivf attempts previously and suffered miscarriages. He now don’t see his kid much as they live in Canada.

Then there are parents who keep popping them out knowing they are unable to care for their children (I work alongside care services and adoption so I see this often).

At least with your idea, it is planned and wanted with everyone’s consent (apart from the child obviously) and done at a time when you are ready.

I just remembered, one of my friends I’ve had since school is a result of a one night stand. She’s always spoke about being curious of her father and her mother knows very little info. She has grown up feeling like there’s a missing piece in her life story and she deliberately goes for men of a totally different ethnic background to her, for fear that she could end up with her father or a half brother.

tea_lover

Ozzuk wrote: »

What an odd thing to say - its hardly the same.

The poster I was referring to stated that people shouldn't have a child if they know there isn't going to be a dad around. I'm sure lots of women have become pregnant after a ONS with someone they don't know (and will never see again). In that situation there is no involvement from the father, right from the start. Yes, the way people have got to that situation is different but the outcome is exactly the same - a single woman who is pregnant by an unknown male who will be raising the child by herself.