Going solo

Soundgirlrocks

Dird wrote: »

I could donate if natural conception People are still conceiving in late 30s/early 40s although with IVF~

You already have debts apparently without a kid which makes you seem like my sister to me (although I can't see her owning a house). If you have a kid in your current situation you will sink further into debt and begging family to lend you mean on a regular basis (which if you have a brother like me, will refuse because the kid doesn't need 70 different toys and a pram he can peddle with)

Kids are expensive. That's why you need at least one on decent money and the other handling childcare in the early years

Thanks for the offer

On a serious note my debts are something I'm working on and its debt that I've accumulated doing up the flat etc its not ideal (I do hate paying interest! although most of it is interest free) its managed and I'm over paying on it to clear it. I would be debt free (including mortgage free) and out of the money pit that is London before embarking on this route with savings to see me though the first few years when I expect to be at home (and would want to be). I certainly won't be begging family to lend me anything.

Soundgirlrocks

UKTigerlily wrote: »

All I see here is *I* want this, *I* want that . . *I* don't want that risk . . I I I, being a Mum is about THEM, not you. What about what THEY want? If they cut you off & hate you for taking their Dad from them, which is a real risk, then what? Becoming a Mum is important to many of us, but it isn;t always about us is it? You can have all the money in the world, give everything they ever need or want, spend all your time with them but you'll never replace doing this to them intentionally, most want to give their kids the world, not take the world from their kids. MOST single parents wish they had someone to parent with, and hate to see their kids devastated at only having them, why are you alone good enough that you are willing to play god & take their Dad?

First off I'm Atheist so I don't consider it playing God.

I don't believe a child would be devastated by not having a father, you clearly do we can argue that till the cows come home, but we will never agree

And yes it is about what I want as is any decision to have children no child asks to be born. Having children is selfish. I have a friend who has decided he will not have children as he feels it is immoral to bring any child into the world when it is a polluted, over crowded mess that they didn't create, where do you draw the line as to what is and isn't ethical?

cyantist

Dird wrote: »

Kids are expensive. That's why you need at least one on decent money and the other handling childcare in the early years

Plenty of couples require both parents to work and aren't lucky enough to be able to have one parent dedicated to childcare (or indeed they may not want to do this).

Although I'm married, our mortgage and commuting costs are so high we are no better off financially in terms of providing for a child than if there was just one of us and we were mortgage free living in a city where it doesn't cost £500 a month for the 2 of us to get to work and back.

The OP is in a great situation in that she can sell her flat in London and buy somewhere outright in a cheaper area and still have a good amount of cash behind her to cover time off work. That puts her in a better position financially than a lot of couples who have children.

theoretica

If the genuine feeling was truly widespread that children should only be born with a strong likelihood of good upbringing then surely there would be compulsory contraception imposed quite widely? Or much stronger campaigns and discouragement - as with Victorian attitudes to unmarried mothers.

skattykatty

Apologies if I repeat anything that has already been said, I've just skimmed through most replies.

Having worked with children and young people my whole life I have seen children from a myriad of family backgrounds and there is no RIGHT answer to all this. There is the answer that feels right to OP, so it really IS all about what she thinks and feels and wants and is prepared to do. How many parents, or potential parents, think it through this much; considering the impact, consequences etc? Where one goes down a less orthodox route: AI, IVF, adoption etc...one is forced to think more, reflect more, feel more than when conception goes smoothly.

There is no way anyone can predict the impact of being a child of AI. Each child is different, unique. Just as each parent is. On the whole, parents do the best they can for their children (unfortunately, and heartbreakingly, that is not a given). Though 'best' may not be good enough because of the parent's own issues.

I applaud the OP for inquiring into this need/want of hers; questioning herself and trying to be as honest about her circumstances as possible. In terms of adoption I believe it is even more vital that people are open-eyed about the challenges of adopting a child who has, very likely, been traumatised at an early age in a way that will impact them for a very very long time, if not for ever. I think about a third of adoptions 'fail' in this country. That is a huge number of children been rejected - again.

OP, I wish you well. For a child to be born to a mother who has been so thoughtful about bringing that child into the world is a pretty good starting point.

FBaby

I don't believe a child would be devastated by not having a father, you clearly do we can argue that till the cows come home, but we will never agree

To be honest, you don't know whether your child would or wouldn't be devastated because that's the issue, we often don't know how our actions impact on our kids until after we've made the decision.

I think you should be honest with yourself. You have made that decision because YOU want to be a mum and that's your decision. There is a good chance that that your child will grown to be a happy well-balanced child. There is a small chance that they could grow up emotionally disturbed and blaming you.

That's the misconception most parents to be have (and until our kids become teenagers), that our kids will grow to understand and agree with all the decisions we made in relation to them. The reality is that our kids become people in their own rights, with their own set of beliefs, opinions and values, which can be very different to what we install in them as parents. We have no choice but to go into it with the confidence that we really did the best under the circumstances and hope that doing so led to happy children and adults to be.

I realise everyone is different but fertility does drop & after 35 you are classed as a Geriatric mum (lovely term from the NHS). The risks for older mums are much greater and whilst it can and does happen for women 40+ it's not a risk I want to take leaving it that late. Becoming a mum is just too important to me which is why I've mentally said if at 37 I'm in the situation I am now then I need to have my plan B sorted, because realistically I'll be 38/39 by the time any baby comes along even assuming everything is relatively straight forward

The road you are looking to take is not an easy one at all. You are right that fertility drop significantly after 40, but that doesn't mean that your chance of success is much higher 3 years earlier. The reality is that taking the IA route is most likely to fail than succeed because your chance of falling pregnant through IVF remains low. So in addition to preparing yourself emotionally to go through it all, I would advice that you also prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility that it won't work. How would you cope if it didn't happen? How far in the process will you be prepared to go, how many IVF attempts, how many eggs would you want to produce to consider keeping going? Everyone having gone through it will say that it was one their hardest emotional battle and takes over their entire life. Have you consider that this could take you away from opportunities to find a partner?

There are so many things to take into consideration and I would highly advise to speak to a counsellor. Some specialise in fertility and without being judgmental and steering you one way or the other, would help give you the full picture that would allow you to consider all avenues.

tea_lover

FBaby wrote: »

The reality is that taking the IA route is most likely to fail than succeed because your chance of falling pregnant through IVF remains low.

The OP would most likely undergo IUI (AI basically), which is absolutely completely different to IVF. Two totally different things, with their own challenges and their own rates of success.

Alikay

Going it alone isn't a perfect solution at all, but it seems like you've thought it through well, OP, and are giving yourself 3 more years to see if you meet someone special. I think having a plan B in place is likely to help you in that respect as you're less likely to try and rush through any mediocre relationship because your biological clock is ticking.

Most single parents I've known have arrived in that situation after a few years of living as a family, but of the ones who've been single since day one, those who've had a good support network of family and friends seem much happier.

FBaby

The OP would most likely undergo IUI (AI basically), which is absolutely completely different to IVF. Two totally different things, with their own challenges and their own rates of success.

IUI has even less chance of success although much cheaper so can have more tries (hence why most NHS clinicians now recommending going straight to IVF), although if taken with stimulating drugs brings it up. Then there is the issue of a new sperm sample each time so again additional costs.

This is why I say the whole process might be more complex, frustrating and emotionally demanding than OP realises.

tea_lover

There's a big difference between IUI as a response to fertility difficulties, and IUI where the only problem is a lack of sperm (to put it bluntly ) Completely agree that IUI where there are already known problems can be a waste of time (along with time-wasting clomid).