Going solo

UKTigerlily

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I haven't had AI, but do have children. I have no issue with your idea and overall think life is short, so do whatever you can to be happy.

However, be as sure as you possibly can be. Go ahead if you really desperately want a child beyond anything else. Because it could be a million times harder than you can possibly imagine. There is no way I'd choose to be a single parent personally, and I say that as a happily married mother to two easy going lovely teenage girls who couldn't have had it much easier in the big scheme of things.

My cousin is a single parent by choice. Like most parents she adores her son and wouldn't be without him, but if she could turn back the clock, I'm not sure she'd make the same decision again. Life is just tough, even for the fortunate.

I agree, but for me 'as long as it doesn't affect others lives'

This isn't about the OP, as if it were it's simple, she wants a child so should have one. Also, I don't think anybody is assuming she won't meet someone etc but we're going on the situation as it is now, not 'maybe she will meet someone/end up on the streets/change her mind when pregnant/fail to get pregnant etc'

It still takes two to make a baby, not one. The Dad is an adult, if he chooses to donate sperm & knows he could be traced in years, that's his decision & he alone gets to make that decision. The Mum is also an adult & she alone can decide for her. The child doesn't get a choice, and to intentionally remove half of their family & start them out without that is wrong IMO.

I strongly feel that no matter how much the woman might want kids, and i'm there too, nothing gives her the right to make that choice for the child . . most want to give their kids the world so it's weird to want to take away something so vital. Sure, there will be people saying they never had their Dad around, or Mum or that they were terrible parents, but they still HAVE those people. Why do adopted people often look for their birth parents? Because of the need to know.

To put your own needs above the child's is wrong, yes it might work out ok & the child might be happy & never care that everyone else has a Dad & they don't know or have theirs, but chances are they will want to know, a Mother alone is not enough, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should

Surely a good Mum puts their child first unless it'd be stupid not to??? Who gives the OP the right to play god & take away half of that childs family, which is the most important thing we have? I don't have the best family myself, and agree some are terrible & it'd be better to be loved by one person than have a ton of people who mess you around & are deadbeats, but that isn't something that's chosen, you find that out later

This comes down to someone desperately wanting kids & putting their need above the childs . . after all, if the OP can have a desperate need for a child, which isn't something guaranteed or a right, why can't the child maybe have a desperate need for a parent/grandparents etc that *is*? We all have Parents & Grandparents, but we don't all have kids

You could be putting that child in the position you are now in, with them desperate for their Dad, why would you even risk that just so your need is met? What about adoption? (I realise that many children have issues etc but if you love kids that much that doesn't matter, and what if your own does?) . . what about using a gay couple so the child has three active, loving parents not one?

What about freezing eggs or just waiting for the right person to come along & doing the usual thing? Just ideas & i'm sure you've thought of all options, even posting here shows that. I'm sorry my view will be unpopular but it's still a different angle to consider x

Izadora

UKTigerlily wrote: »

if the OP can have a desperate need for a child, which isn't something guaranteed or a right, why can't the child maybe have a desperate need for a parent/grandparents etc that *is*? We all have Parents & Grandparents

By that reckoning my parents shouldn't have had me. I would've loved to have had a granddad, and it was something I desperately wanted as a child, but my mum and dad's fathers both died way before I was born. Were they selfish by going ahead anyway, knowing that it was something I'd miss out on?

My boyfriend would've loved to have cousins when he was growing up. Should the fact that his parents were both only children have meant that they shouldn't have had him?

There are so many whats and ifs and would they be better off with/withouts when it comes to having children that I think the most important thing is that the child is truly wanted and that you will love it and do the very best you can, in whatever situation you find yourself.

UKTigerlily

So you didn't know your Dad or his side of the family? You knew your roots & had your Dad around. If your Mum/Dad had had you alone, then yes it would be selfish, TWO make a baby *not* one. Why does the OP's *need* to have a child, come above the child's *need* to have a Dad? Everyone has a Dad or they wouldn't be in existence, not everyone has a child nor is it a right to do so. Everyone has a right to a Dad & to take it away isn't ok. If he turns out to be a deadbeat, that's unavoidable but at least the Mum's need wasn't put above the child's, who can't choose to not have one side of their family

My Cousin's child was truely wanted, by the adoptive parents & the bio parents, it didn't stop her desperately wanting to find her biological family & to have that. I was very wanted (10 years of trying) & no, it isn't enough. Saying 'oh it's ok I have no Dad because my Mum really wanted me' in NO way makes up for depriving a child of a Dad. All I hear is '*I* want, not 'what would the child want'

Putting the child first matters more than the OP's need to have a baby. I don't for one second think 'oh it's ok I have this !!!! life because I was so wanted' . . I think 'if they'd thought of what my life might be like, I wouldn't suffer so much' & am far from close to either due to their selfishness

Dird

I could donate if natural conception People are still conceiving in late 30s/early 40s although with IVF~

While not a single mom (her bf has slightly better than "stacking shelves" job you suggested supporting the two of you), my sister has a young born & they never have any money; although even when she went from minimum wage to £24k/year and lower essential bills costs she still never had any money.

You already have debts apparently without a kid which makes you seem like my sister to me (although I can't see her owning a house). If you have a kid in your current situation you will sink further into debt and begging family to lend you mean on a regular basis (which if you have a brother like me, will refuse because the kid doesn't need 70 different toys and a pram he can peddle with)

Kids are expensive. That's why you need at least one on decent money and the other handling childcare in the early years

Izadora

UKTigerlily wrote: »

Putting the child first matters more than the OP's need to have a baby. I don't for one second think 'oh it's ok I have this !!!! life because I was so wanted' . . I think 'if they'd thought of what my life might be like, I wouldn't suffer so much' & am far from close to either due to their selfishness

Sorry, I don't know why you think you have a !!!! life (and I'm not expecting you to tell me) but I think where we're always going to disagree is that having a child knowing that you're going to be a single parent means that the child will suffer.

Nobody is ever going to be able to provide the absolutely perfect life for any child so I stand by my earlier comment that the most important thing is that a child is wanted and that the parent(s) will do the best they can for them. I'd far rather have one parent who adored me and was the best parent that they could be than two who were indifferent towards me.

FBaby

Its more that it applies to all parents, so its ok. All parents have children because they want to have them, none can offer a perfect childhood with no compromises or sacrifices.

Of course no parent can offer a perfect childhood, you could even debate that a 'perfect' childhood would have a negative impact on the child anyway, however, there is some scale in the non-perfect approach to parenthood by which you minimise raising an unhappy child.

The added difficulty is that children don't all react the same way to how they are being brought up. Some kids born from donor sperms have grown up to be very well balanced whilst others are emotional scared and these two could have been raised together by the same mum.

We all have different thresholds, and for me, giving all chances to my children to have two parents was high on the scale.

What I find sad OP is your sense of alarm. So much can happen in just a couple of years. One family member of mine didn't meet her husband until she was 40 and he was 45, neither of them had children. She got pregnant at 43 but miscarried. Got pregnant again and had a beautiful little girl.

What I would do in your situation is go to your GP and get your fertility testing. There are a number of tests that can be done to give quite an accurate idea. If your levels are good or very good, then don't rush into anything. If your levels are not good and a professional does tell you that you might want to consider falling pregnant sooner than later, then maybe you can start looking into it?

Soundgirlrocks

@UKTigerlily I appreciate this is quite an emotive topic for you. You do however contradict your self slightly. You say you have no issue with two gay parents or a single mum who walks out on a dead beat dad, and yet your concern is that the child is being deprived of half of its family. In the case of a deadbeat dad you are deliberately depriving the child of half its family, including possibly loving grandparents (which I would argue is more damaging than them never having been there in the first place) You have said that the child if was girl would have no one to walk her down the aisle or give a father day card to, but if it was a lesbian couple they would have the same issues, and whilst it might not be traditional why can't a mum walk her daughter down the aisle?

Since you hold no objection to adoption or gay parents its not about a missing connection to half their biological family that you are concerned about, so then it becomes a numbers game, how many people the child has around it to love it, how many people make a family? 2 or 3, 20? If I did take this route the child would have a Grandma, step Grandad, step Grandma (and step step grandad!) Auntie, Uncle, more second cousins than I can count, and 2 Great Grandma's. Yes there would just be one primary carer, and I do acknowledge that is hard but I see plenty of happy well adjusted kids who have exactly that.

Also whilst I appreciate that the child would have no say in being born to just one primary care giver, I personally feel there are far more damaging situation a child can be born into that they equally have no say in. No situation is perfect to bring a child into, what you can do is the best with the tools you have to love and support that child.

Logically the hypothetical childs very existence (that particular mix of DNA if you will) would be because of the specific choice I made . So for the child to be angry at me for making that choice, would be for them to be angry that they were born. I don't think anyone that is that angry at their own existence.

I appreciate that you don't think this it the right decision. My reason for posting (as this is MSE) wasn't to have a debate about the ethics of choosing to be a single parent but was to ideally hear from other women who may of gone down this route (or similar) How they found AI as a process, how they manage financially, how they found the experience of being a single mum etc.

@FBaby I'm not at panic stations just yet , and I appreciate you level head arguments for a two parent family. However I do not want to be 40 and facing the "oh F%*k I left it to late" I do not want to go down the IVF route (which would go along with egg freezing), it is a huge hormonal strain and success rates still aren't great (especial in women over 40) not to mention the cost.

I realise everyone is different but fertility does drop & after 35 you are classed as a Geriatric mum (lovely term from the NHS). The risks for older mums are much greater and whilst it can and does happen for women 40+ it's not a risk I want to take leaving it that late. Becoming a mum is just too important to me which is why I've mentally said if at 37 I'm in the situation I am now then I need to have my plan B sorted, because realistically I'll be 38/39 by the time any baby comes along even assuming everything is relatively straight forward

UKTigerlily

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

@UKTigerlily I appreciate this is quite an emotive topic for you. You do however contradict your self slightly. You say you have no issue with two gay parents or a single mum who walks out on a dead beat dad, and yet your concern is that the child is being deprived of half of its family. In the case of a deadbeat dad you are deliberately depriving the child of half its family, including possibly loving grandparents (which I would argue is more damaging than them never having been there in the first place) You have said that the child if was girl would have no one to walk her down the aisle or give a father day card to, but if it was a lesbian couple they would have the same issues, and whilst it might not be traditional why can't a mum walk her daughter down the aisle?

Since you hold no objection to adoption or gay parents its not about a missing connection to half their biological family that you are concerned about, so then it becomes a numbers game, how many people the child has around it to love it, how many people make a family? 2 or 3, 20? If I did take this route the child would have a Grandma, step Grandad, step Grandma (and step step grandad!) Auntie, Uncle, more second cousins than I can count, and 2 Great Grandma's. Yes there would just be one primary carer, and I do acknowledge that is hard but I see plenty of happy well adjusted kids who have exactly that.

Also whilst I appreciate that the child would have no say in being born to just one primary care giver, I personally feel there are far more damaging situation a child can be born into that they equally have no say in. No situation is perfect to bring a child into, what you can do is the best with the tools you have to love and support that child.

Logically the hypothetical childs very existence (that particular mix of DNA if you will) would be because of the specific choice I made . So for the child to be angry at me for making that choice, would be for them to be angry that they were born. I don't think anyone that is that angry at their own existence.

I appreciate that you don't think this it the right decision. My reason for posting (as this is MSE) wasn't to have a debate about the ethics of choosing to be a single parent but was to ideally hear from other women who may of gone down this route (or similar) How they found AI as a process, how they manage financially, how they found the experience of being a single mum etc.

If a Mum walks out on a useless Dad, why would that mean their child doesn't know or see the Dad & his family? I assume they would know all about that side & have the option to be in contact if that's what they wanted, they have the choice to contact him if they choose to do so. The Mum isn't taking their Dad away, she just isn't with him, but they know him still

A Mum *can* walk her Daughter down the aisle, just like many don't want to marry etc but it will always be something many, many girls dream of & want on their wedding day & like it or not, if someone has lesbians as parents they do still have a Dad & may very well know him

There will always, always be worse situations to be born into, and nobody has said it won't have all it needs materially *BUT* it doesn't matter what anyone else does, only what YOU do. What other parents do is up to them, some are complete dossers who should never have children but that's not your problem

For me it's as simple as you are putting *your* need to have a child above *their* need to have a Dad, if *you* can't not have a child, why is it ok for them to not have a Dad, when Dads are what we all should have but children aren't a given? You can't ever make up for intentionally taking away their Father for NO reason other than YOU wanted a child so YOU must get what you want. Does the child not come first?

What about if Grandparents wanted their Grandchild (cases where parents have died & they want to use the eggs etc of their daughter/sperm of their son)? It's not seen as ok to deprive the child of parents then is it? A Mother is NOT & cannot ever be enough. 99% will want to know their Father & if he walked out, that is beyond your control. If he was abusive & booted out, that is to protect you & the child. How is deliberately depriving the child of their Dad in anyway ok?

If my Mum had taken my Dad from my life, and assumed as she wanted a kid that is fine, who cares about the kids need for a Dad so long as HER need was met, i'd cut her out. I don't care how amazing my life would've been, material things don't replace a Dad & never can

Your choice, and if a friend i'd support that choice but to deliberately take away someone so so important, just so YOUR need for something comes above the childs need for their someone, is not right at all IMO. It comes down to that alone for me, if you do this, you are saying it's ok to have your child with no Dad so you don't have to go with no baby, even tho that child can't make the decision for itself

If they know their Dad then fine, use a known donor & co parent, if you put the child first you wouldn't go for anonymous anyway

Andypandyboy

I think that to choose to go it alone must be a very hard road to walk. In a good relationship no one else will love or be as interested in your child quite like its mother and father or want to share the minute details of their lives. I would always want my child to have the security of a second parent in case something happened to one because of the above. Additionally, Not having someone to share that with must be very lonely and not an active choice for most people.

I think there is a vast difference between finding yourself alone with a baby and choosing that from the outset. I do think it should be a well considered decision as it is essentially quite a selfish thing to do, more so than two people creating a child as part of a traditional family unit.

UKTigerlily

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

@UKTigerlily I appreciate this is quite an emotive topic for you. You do however contradict your self slightly. You say you have no issue with two gay parents or a single mum who walks out on a dead beat dad, and yet your concern is that the child is being deprived of half of its family. In the case of a deadbeat dad you are deliberately depriving the child of half its family, including possibly loving grandparents (which I would argue is more damaging than them never having been there in the first place) You have said that the child if was girl would have no one to walk her down the aisle or give a father day card to, but if it was a lesbian couple they would have the same issues, and whilst it might not be traditional why can't a mum walk her daughter down the aisle?

Since you hold no objection to adoption or gay parents its not about a missing connection to half their biological family that you are concerned about, so then it becomes a numbers game, how many people the child has around it to love it, how many people make a family? 2 or 3, 20? If I did take this route the child would have a Grandma, step Grandad, step Grandma (and step step grandad!) Auntie, Uncle, more second cousins than I can count, and 2 Great Grandma's. Yes there would just be one primary carer, and I do acknowledge that is hard but I see plenty of happy well adjusted kids who have exactly that.

Also whilst I appreciate that the child would have no say in being born to just one primary care giver, I personally feel there are far more damaging situation a child can be born into that they equally have no say in. No situation is perfect to bring a child into, what you can do is the best with the tools you have to love and support that child.

Logically the hypothetical childs very existence (that particular mix of DNA if you will) would be because of the specific choice I made . So for the child to be angry at me for making that choice, would be for them to be angry that they were born. I don't think anyone that is that angry at their own existence.

I appreciate that you don't think this it the right decision. My reason for posting (as this is MSE) wasn't to have a debate about the ethics of choosing to be a single parent but was to ideally hear from other women who may of gone down this route (or similar) How they found AI as a process, how they manage financially, how they found the experience of being a single mum etc.

@FBaby I'm not at panic stations just yet , and I appreciate you level head arguments for a two parent family. However I do not want to be 40 and facing the "oh F%*k I left it to late" I do not want to go down the IVF route (which would go along with egg freezing), it is a huge hormonal strain and success rates still aren't great (especial in women over 40) not to mention the cost.

I realise everyone is different but fertility does drop & after 35 you are classed as a Geriatric mum (lovely term from the NHS). The risks for older mums are much greater and whilst it can and does happen for women 40+ it's not a risk I want to take leaving it that late. Becoming a mum is just too important to me which is why I've mentally said if at 37 I'm in the situation I am now then I need to have my plan B sorted, because realistically I'll be 38/39 by the time any baby comes along even assuming everything is relatively straight forward

All I see here is *I* want this, *I* want that . . *I* don't want that risk . . I I I, being a Mum is about THEM, not you. What about what THEY want? If they cut you off & hate you for taking their Dad from them, which is a real risk, then what? Becoming a Mum is important to many of us, but it isn;t always about us is it? You can have all the money in the world, give everything they ever need or want, spend all your time with them but you'll never replace doing this to them intentionally, most want to give their kids the world, not take the world from their kids. MOST single parents wish they had someone to parent with, and hate to see their kids devastated at only having them, why are you alone good enough that you are willing to play god & take their Dad?