home life with parents affecting my relationship

Detroit

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I agree with all the people that said move out. A room in a shared house or as a lodger need not be massively expensive - the amount that can be charged to lodgers is effectively limited by the tax break on the rent. Your relationship with your parents may well improve at arm's length.

If you had written about what your parents were doing to control your life, but instead said it was a husband / boyfriend doing it, things like "gaslighting" and "women's aid" would have been mentioned multiple times already, but since it's your parents, such behaviour suddenly becomes acceptable to a significant number of forumites. Same with "their house, their rules", which certainly wouldn't be acceptable to the same people if it was a woman moving into her husband's / boyfriend's home and having her life controlled

A little different in my opinion.

Where two adults enter a relationship it should be as equals, with equal rights to the home and to decide the lifestyle within it. Where one tries to control the other, this is motivated by an inappropriate desire to have power over someone.

The OP lives in a property that belongs to someone else, and they have rights to set some rules.
Perhaps the OP returning in the early hours is disruptive to other people in the household.
Perhaps they ask the OP to go to her room at ten not as a bedtime, but to enable them to have privacy in their home.

As parents, however inappropriate it may seem to some of us, their attempts to influence the OP to remain in her career and see less of her boyfriend, and their intrusion into her private life, are likely to be motivated by concern for her rather than self interest.

They likely consider themselves to have greater life experience and want the OP to benefit from this.

Many people with adult children struggle to transition from the role of parent, who knows best and is in charge, to an equal adult relationship with their children.
Adult children remaining in the home doesn't help, as when is the magic moment parents switch from senior to equal?
If the OPs parents are finding this difficult, it doesn't mean they have malign intent, in the way of a controlling partner.

For this reason I think the comparison with a relationship between two adult partners, albeit some behaviours on face value are similar, is not appropriate to the circumstances.

paddy's_mum

BlackFrosting wrote: »

I spoke to my parents about moving out last night,
and they said I ave 6 months to start saving properly and that they will help me to become more independent...

I find it revealing that their first reaction (apparently) was not to kick off a row but offer support.

paddy's_mum

When someone says that they were "foolish" over a previous boyfriend and that they gave their bank details to a newish one, which worried the parents, it makes me think that perhaps the parents are trying desperately (even if not in the wisest of ways) to protect their daughter from her own naivety.

Only my twopenn'th.

newcook

paddy's_mum wrote: »

When someone says that they were "foolish" over a previous boyfriend and that they gave their bank details to a newish one, which worried the parents, it makes me think that perhaps the parents are trying desperately (even if not in the wisest of ways) to protect their daughter from her own naivety.

Only my twopenn'th.

definitely - same as with her friend who informed the parents rather than speak to OP. if I was worried about my best mate who had already been foolish I would probably go straight to their parents with my concerns too. they are obviously approachable or Im guessing her friend wouldnt have spoke to them about it.

FredG

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I find it revealing that their first reaction (apparently) was not to kick off a row but offer support.

This could also be a softly, softly approach to ensure that some form of debt is owed and there's still a tangible link to exert some form of control.


Unfortunately I've seen this first hand.

Andypandyboy

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I find it revealing that their first reaction (apparently) was not to kick off a row but offer support.

So do I.

On the face of the in the OP they were presented as a bit controlling in terms of what times she could speak to her bf, what time she had to be in etc, because she is an adult at 22, but that reaction doesn't give the same impression.

If you have adult kids living at home there have to be house rules, but they have to be reasonable and not overly controlling.

onomatopoeia99

Detroit wrote: »

Adult children remaining in the home doesn't help, as when is the magic moment parents switch from senior to equal?

At the very latest, the age of majority, which the OP is four years past, but parents should be encouraging independence of thought and action long before that.

House rules for adult offspring living with parents should be no more controlling than if the same person was living with a partner in the partner's home. Just because they may still think of their child as the little baby they watched take their first steps. parents don't get special rights to be more controlling than a partner or anyone else.

Detroit

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

At the very latest, the age of majority, which the OP is four years past, but parents should be encouraging independence of thought and action long before that.

House rules for adult offspring living with parents should be no more controlling than if the same person was living with a partner in the partner's home. Just because they may still think of their child as the little baby they watched take their first steps. parents don't get special rights to be more controlling than a partner or anyone else.

The home owner gets to set the rules.

In the case of a couple you would expect this to be by consensus.

However, when living as a lodger in someone else's home, one would expect to conform to their rules. Certainly with regards to things that affected them too, such as what time they get their living room to themself (defined by the OP as bedtime) and what time they expect to be able to sleep without someone maybe waking them by coming home very late.

There are some behaviours here that do seem excessive by many people's standards, but the curfew times (which are up to 4am so not that restrictive) don't seem too unreasonable, as this could impact on others in the household.

As for encouraging independence of thought and action, I'd agree, However if the independent thought and action inconveniences others, they also have the right to set boundaries.

dcouponzzzz

My mum was fine with me (27), but clashed with my sister over trivial things such as this, and it really inhibited her ability to think and act freely without judgement or validation. She's 31 now and still has these unfavourable personality traits, among others.

About 5 years ago my mum attended a year of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions organised by her GP for stress and anxiety... I hardly recognise her now compared to before, as she's so much more relaxed since being able to apply perspective to any situation.


Sounds like your mum could benefit from CBT, and you yourself seem to be inhibited by her personality. 2 months is not a serious relationship, and your being adamant that it is really enforces the problem. Until you've lived with someone and been through both success and failure together you don't know that person.

In summary, your mum is always going to try and protect you and you can trust her ultimate intentions. She sounds like she needs to be needed. Ask her advice for trivial decisions, even if you don't take it. When she gives you unsolicited advice, instead of immediately kicking off try agreeing with her and suggesting you'll consider it.

You and your boyfriend can discuss your relationship with your parents, but if he tells you to take any specific action or say any particular phrase or argument, he's manipulating you. His role should be support, anything else is overstepping the mark at your relationship stage. I'm 2 months in to a relationship and I've been told many things about her mum being manipulated by her OH, and I've said that I think it's terrible, but I wouldn't dream of suggesting any action she should take.



Edit: as for home owner setting the rules, ignore the people that say she's within her rights to restrict when you should leave or arrive home, or who you should see and when. They're your mistakes to make and learn from. Imagine being half asleep in work looking after someone's children. God forbid anything happened. On your days off stay out for 48 hours straight if you like.

Mojisola

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

In summary, your mum is always going to try and protect you and you can trust her ultimate intentions.

You've got a very rosy view of parents - who are only ordinary people who have had children and can be nasty, mean, controlling and a range of other unpleasant things.

Not all parents have their children's best interests at heart.