Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

paddy's_mum

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Demanded from who exactly? You and your OH? Why did you give her them? Why didn't you out your foot down then and there if you didn't want these accounts opened?

See, this is what I don't understand. You are making things harder than they need to be by not standing up for you and your family. You keep on posting threads about your inlaws, and nothing ever gets done and nothing ever changes. If your OH won't do anything then you'll have to.

See, this is the true heart of the matter, in a nutshell, Lulu92. It's a viewpoint I couldn't agree with more strongly.

All this disrespect is already damaging your relationship with your husband, your peace of mind in your own home and cannot be left just to fester until the resentment you feel creates a situation that can never, ever be repaired - like a family rift or a divorce!

I've already said that I believe you are being too nice. Time to start laying down the law a little. You have to protect your babies from the potential fall-out of just letting this ship drift until it wrecks itself on the rocks.

lulu_92

She came to my house and said "I need the birth certificates", I asked why and she just said "bank account" I have not given then them to her, but again OH didn't see why I don't want to.

I've tried being really firm and it doesn't work because OH doesn't have my back. We end up having a massive fall out and nothing changes. He will apologise and I will say "things won't change though" and he insists they will but they never do. It's so bad that I have considered taking the girls and going to stay at my mum's for a while at least, but then there'll be a whole to do about her being able to see them more :rotfl:

lulu_92

Pollycat wrote: »

I do agree - especially with the 2nd paragraph.

Lulu has had lots of advice and suggestions but has consistently put forward reasons why they won't work.

Lulu - did you mention in another thread that your OH's family aren't of British origin?

He's half Irish and I'm mixed race.

Georgiegirl256

In the words of the dragons...."I'm out!" Because it's all just coming across as excuses, and I don't think anything that anyone will say on here will make a blind bit of difference.

paddy's_mum

lulu_92 wrote: »

I've tried being really firm and it doesn't work because OH doesn't have my back. We end up having a massive fall out and nothing changes.

It's so bad that I have considered taking the girls and going to stay at my mum's for a while at least

Your husband and your in-laws need to be told just how far their lack of manners is pushing you.

Kept up and it won't be long before they'll be in a court fighting for access rights because they didn't ruddy well listen!

Candyapple

pollypenny wrote: »

This is true.
Your in-laws must love your babies, as you'd want. In the future you may well need them, so it's worth keeping on good terms.
Re the nappies, I'm sure they thought they were being helpful. If someone bought Aldi nappies most people would think they were being cheapskates!
Just go out yourselves on some days, but tell the parents. They'll get the message.

lulu_92 wrote: »

Its even the little things. Recently they bought us a few packs of pampers as they were on offer. We thanked them and I said although we appreciate them they won't fit for a while and pampers don't agree with our girls, so we tend to get another brand. The response I got was "it's our money and we'll do what we want with it" and we now have about 800 nappies that won't fit for a month at least, and leak so profusely we end up chucking clothes away! As grateful as I was for the help at first, if they had listened to me they could have saved their money and bought us nappies that we could get use out of, or not bought us any more full stop :rotfl:

Although I don’t have any kids, my friends who do often tell me that Aldi nappies are much better than branded versions they’ve tried and have a better fit so no, I wouldn’t think that anyone who used Aldi nappies was being a cheapskate.

No. Being helpful is calling the OP in advance and asking her what brand/size nappies she uses. If the in-laws genuinely thought they were trying to be helpful by buying 1 pack of nappies – why a) buy the wrong brand after being told that they don’t use that brand/size by the OP and b) continue buying a further 800 regardless of the OP reiterating said statement? Only an idiot would continue to do something like this, or someone who is afraid to apologise and admit that they were wrong and start buying the correct brand/size.

I can’t imagine dictating to a mother what brand/size nappy she should be using on her baby – so why does the OP’s MIL? Because it’s all about control. She is a control freak and the only way to deal with control freaks is to be blunt, say your piece and stand your ground. There is no compromising as you’ll find that they’ve often had it their own way for years/decades with their own partners/family. If you falter or show any weakness in your position, they know you are a pushover and will continue to overstep your boundaries. With people like this, you often have to treat them as you would a naughty child. It’s sad having to treat an adult like this, almost trying to teach them to how to behave properly but seriously, some people have no boundaries and have never been taught to understand the word ‘no’.

hazyjo wrote: »

Why don't you leave them to it - get some alone time? Instead of packing the whole family up to go out, you two go out!
If they're that desperate to see them, purposely misinterpret why they're there and say you think it's marvellous and that you'll allow them them proper bonding time. Nappies are in the second draw down - bye. They'll soon get fed up of babysitting.
(Not read all replies so may have been suggested earlier!)
Jx

The in-laws are there to see the babies – I would imagine what you’ve suggested they would love that situation, given that they probably don’t give 2 hoots about seeing OP. So rather than punishing them for wanting to eat up every weekend, OP would be rewarding them.

The point is though that OP and her partner want to spend family time together, just the 4 of them. Why should the OP and partner have to go out alone just because the in-laws keep turning up? It’s selfish behaviour on the in-laws part and really and truly OP, you already know it, but your partner needs to man the f up and have a word with his parents about this nonsense and nip it in the bud otherwise it will only escalate into other areas of your life as you are finding re demanding birth certificates for bank account etc. It’s only going to get worse.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I've tried being really firm and it doesn't work because OH doesn't have my back. We end up having a massive fall out and nothing changes. He will apologise and I will say "things won't change though" and he insists they will but they never do. It's so bad that I have considered taking the girls and going to stay at my mum's for a while at least, but then there'll be a whole to do about her being able to see them more :rotfl:

Sorry to say it but your partner sounds very non-confrontational and weak, (probably also down to years of being put in his place buy his parents/mum) so for you to have to act as the man so to speak is only going to cause further divide between you. If your own husband doesn’t have your back, you 2 are not even playing on the same field. He needs to pick a side – his parents or your family unit. I would also suggest he seeks counselling as he needs help on building his self-esteem and how to stand up for himself amongst many other issues no doubt. I predict if your partner doesn’t man up, you two will end up divorcing. There’s only so much you can take and being married to a spineless man who can’t even stand up to his own mother about basic issues is probably going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Kaye1

Here is something to consider.

What will your children learn in the future?

Granny is in charge.
It is ok to ignore/walk all over Mummy.
Daddy won't do anything unless it is really bad.
Granny doesn't like Mummy.
Granny does as she pleases, and that behaviour is ok.
Daddy accepts this.

You and OH are the biggest influence over their lives for the next 4 years- they will learn from your family how to behave.

If you really feel you can't stand up to her- then seriously, consider leaving the house every Sunday for the next few weeks. A small price for her to get the message.

It's a power struggle for her.

lulu_92

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

In the words of the dragons...."I'm out!" Because it's all just coming across as excuses, and I don't think anything that anyone will say on here will make a blind bit of difference.

Honestly I don't know what else to do. I have been as firm as I possibly can, I have told OH he needs to stand up for me. I have pretty much done everything short of punching them all and it's led me nowhere. I am at my limit now.

I'm not the most confrontational of folks so what I have attempted so far was a big deal for me.

LannieDuck

lulu_92 wrote: »

Honestly I don't know what else to do. I have been as firm as I possibly can, I have told OH he needs to stand up for me. I have pretty much done everything short of punching them all and it's led me nowhere. I am at my limit now.

I'm not the most confrontational of folks so what I have attempted so far was a big deal for me.

No, you haven't. Let them know in advance, be polite but firm. And if they turn up, then don't let them in.

hazyjo

Just say you're out the following weekend and can you make it the next one. Don't answer the phone. I don't think they'd come round knowing you're not there would they? If they did, just say it was cancelled last minute.


You need to be firm. If your husband doesn't back you, then you need to have this out with him.


Sooner or later, you will have a major row over it - best have a civilised conversation before that one tiny thing pushes you over the edge.


You're right - you shouldn't have to leave your house to avoid them - so what is the alternative if you won't tell them not to come round every week?


Yep, Candyapple, I see your point and did think about it, but most couples dream of spending time together so maybe the OP could use it to her advantage if she's not likely to take any other advice or stand up to her OH/MIL.


Jx