Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

AlwaysWorking

I'm obviously the odd one out here as I think you ARE being a tad unreasonable. Your children's grandparents want to visit for two and a half hours a week...there are plenty of people who would love for grandparents to be able to visit, or to have ones who take such an interest in their children. I don't have a relationship at all with my brother because he got married to someone who made his family feel so unwelcome that we stopped visiting. When my niece was born I was given a 'appointment' to visit which was in the middle of the night for me as I worked nightshift at the time. I've not even seen my nephew.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't push your in-laws away. No matter how much they may annoy you, they are still your husband's family and your children's grandparents.

AylesburyDuck

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

I'm obviously the odd one out here as I think you ARE being a tad unreasonable. Your children's grandparents want to visit for two and a half hours a week...there are plenty of people who would love for grandparents to be able to visit, or to have ones who take such an interest in their children. I don't have a relationship at all with my brother because he got married to someone who made his family feel so unwelcome that we stopped visiting. When my niece was born I was given a 'appointment' to visit which was in the middle of the night for me as I worked nightshift at the time. I've not even seen my nephew.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't push your in-laws away. No matter how much they may annoy you, they are still your husband's family and your children's grandparents.

Which is fine, but where it ceases to be reasonable is at the point where actions are forced on another without any care or consideration.
As indeed you yourself found with your appointment.;)
The MIL is not the victim here, loving familys dont tend to ride roughshod over everyone else feelings/requests and tend to work of a two way street hymm sheet.;)

paddy's_mum

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

I guess what I am trying to say is don't push your in-laws away

I'd suggest that to the OP's mind, the mother in law is doing a very good job of wrecking the situation all by herself :rotfl:

Your comment above is completely justified but remember that it applies to the mother in law also and so far, it would appear that she is doing a sterling job of alienating an in-law, in this case, the babies mother.

lulu_92

I am not asking for them to never visit. I asked for one weekend every now and again where OH and I can spend it with our girls without anyone else visiting. We hardly get any time together as it is. At the moment our weekends are spent accommodating everyone else and then getting errands such as the food shop done around these visits.

I don't think I should have to leave my house to get out of the visit, it should be "allowed" for the four of us to spend the day at home alone if we so choose.

The bank account was a lovely gesture, although I suggested they save money in a separate account of their own because I wanted the girls to only have one bank account each, which we could use to put all money they are given into it. This apparently is unreasonable as well (add that MIL didn't ask to open it, we found out because she flat out demanded their birth certificates, and still hasn't given us any details about the account or where it is held, information I feel we as the parents should know). My hands are tied on this one as I appear ungrateful if I say anything because of the money involved.

I'm always told to pick my battles, and I do. But it's getting to the point where I'm being told to basically accept it. I have no control over anything in my life right now, and OH doesn't help as something has to really drive him mad for him to say anything.

I'm at the end of my tether and resenting both OH and my in laws.

ETA they know we use aldi nappies and have bought us some previously. On three separate occasions they brought over hundreds of pampers and each time we told them they were appreciated but unsuitable. It didn't seem to stop them.

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

I don't think I should have to leave my house to get out of the visit, it should be "allowed" for the four of us to spend the day at home alone if we so choose.

I don't think you should have to either.

But it seems to me that it's either that or 1) you stand up to your MIL and tell her what is going to be acceptable about them visiting or 2) your OH tells his mother that she is out of order and that Sunday visits every week are not going to continue and makes it clear that he is speaking on behalf of both of you.

I think that your OH is part of the problem, tbh.

Mojisola

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

I'm obviously the odd one out here as I think you ARE being a tad unreasonable. Your children's grandparents want to visit for two and a half hours a week...there are plenty of people who would love for grandparents to be able to visit, or to have ones who take such an interest in their children.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't push your in-laws away. No matter how much they may annoy you, they are still your husband's family and your children's grandparents.

Do you really think it's unreasonable for a couple to want to spend time with their twins as a family?

Do you really think that the grandparents have greater rights to that time than the family unit?

The grandparents aren't being told not to visit - they are being asked not to visit every Sunday afternoon and have been offered other times during the week instead.

AylesburyDuck

lulu_92 wrote: »

I am not asking for them to never visit. I asked for one weekend every now and again where OH and I can spend it with our girls without anyone else visiting. We hardly get any time together as it is. At the moment our weekends are spent accommodating everyone else and then getting errands such as the food shop done around these visits.

I don't think I should have to leave my house to get out of the visit, it should be "allowed" for the four of us to spend the day at home alone if we so choose.

The bank account was a lovely gesture, although I suggested they save money in a separate account of their own because I wanted the girls to only have one bank account each, which we could use to put all money they are given into it. This apparently is unreasonable as well (add that MIL didn't ask to open it, we found out because she flat out demanded their birth certificates, and still hasn't given us any details about the account or where it is held, information I feel we as the parents should know). My hands are tied on this one as I appear ungrateful if I say anything because of the money involved.

I'm always told to pick my battles, and I do. But it's getting to the point where I'm being told to basically accept it. I have no control over anything in my life right now, and OH doesn't help as something has to really drive him mad for him to say anything.

I'm at the end of my tether and resenting both OH and my in laws.

ETA they know we use aldi nappies and have bought us some previously. On three separate occasions they brought over hundreds of pampers and each time we told them they were appreciated but unsuitable. It didn't seem to stop them.

Demanded birth certs, oh my, red flag and a big no from me.:eek:
From what i can remember ( granted over 20 years ago) this is NOT needed, as you can set up an account in the name of a baby or minor , which is controlled by the adult, theres names the primary account name, till age of 16 i think it is. I did this for my god son years back and no birth cert was needed.
I have to admit, im a totally stubborn mare, its a fault and i admit it , demands get the opposite reaction from me, if birth certs were genuinly needed then i'd have been getting OH to have gone with and taken for viewing when needed.
You needs words with your OH and to tell him about the building resentment, from experrience i can gaurentee it will only get so far before you'll blow, it's only fair to warn him so he can take appropriate action. He doesnt own a crystal ball after all, and some men just dont seem to see whats plain right in front of them , annoying, but true in a lot of cases.

Georgiegirl256

lulu_92 wrote: »

The bank account was a lovely gesture, although I suggested they save money in a separate account of their own because I wanted the girls to only have one bank account each, which we could use to put all money they are given into it. This apparently is unreasonable as well (add that MIL didn't ask to open it, we found out because she flat out demanded their birth certificates, and still hasn't given us any details about the account or where it is held, information I feel we as the parents should know). My hands are tied on this one as I appear ungrateful if I say anything because of the money involved.
.

Demanded from who exactly? You and your OH? Why did you give her them? Why didn't you out your foot down then and there if you didn't want these accounts opened?

See, this is what I don't understand. You are making things harder than they need to be by not standing up for you and your family. You keep on posting threads about your inlaws, and nothing ever gets done and nothing ever changes. If your OH won't do anything then you'll have to.

Pollycat

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Demanded from who exactly? You and your OH? Why did you give her them? Why didn't you out your foot down then and there if you didn't want these accounts opened?

See, this is what I don't understand. You are making things harder than they need to be by not standing up for you and your family. You keep on posting threads about your inlaws, and nothing ever gets done and nothing ever changes. If your OH won't do anything then you'll have to.

I do agree - especially with the 2nd paragraph.

Lulu has had lots of advice and suggestions but has consistently put forward reasons why they won't work.

Lulu - did you mention in another thread that your OH's family aren't of British origin?

LannieDuck

Lulu, you're a parent now. You're one of two people responsible for your babies and you need to learn how to stand up for them.

At the moment what they need is a happy, contented family unit. Not a mother who's (understandably IMO) simmering with resentment every weekend.

It's perfectly reasonable to have one weekend where it's just you and your husband and your children. A 'rest weekend', if you like. It doesn't mean you'll never see your in-laws again, and it doesn't mean they won't be welcome the following weekend. But one weekend that you pick will be quiet time.

Tell them in advance that you're having a particular weekend to yourselves. And stick to it. Politely, but firmly. They're welcome to make other arrangements for during the week on that occasion if they want, or they can skip a week and see you the following weekend. But you and your husband will be having quiet time that weekend by yourselves.

I would be very upfront and honest about it so there's no room for misinterpreting. You're not saying anything offensive - it's not that you don't want to see them ever again, just that you're having a quiet weekend on that particular day. If they try to say they're coming anyway, look puzzled and repeat that you're not going to be having any visitors that weekend, but you're looking forward to their visit the following weekend.

Polite, but firm. You need to learn to do this - you're the parent in your household , and you need to set reasonable (polite) limits on how far people can push you around.

Having one weekend to yourselves is completely reasonable. Once you've achieved that, you can consider whether you try to do that once a month. But baby steps...