Pre-30 panic

mark5

gonzo127 wrote: »

on the flip side, my ex got pregnant first time we tried without protection, which was a miracle really, and considering we wasnt 'trying' and went down the idea of if it happens it happens, was a big shock, and by the way, she was 38 at the time

My wife more or less got pregnant twice this way as well.

Kynthia

Guest101 wrote: »

Look, it's all personal opinions and since you've decided to attack others, let's take a look at yours.


1: hundreds of millions of people have children before they're 100% sure, and it ends up being the best thing that's ever happened to the.
2: That's fine for you, you're 31, so let's say you take 2-3 years to achieve your dreams + incubation, you'll be 35 when you have your first child, in all likelihood that means you'll have one child. I'd say that's selfish on your child, studies have shown that siblings develop much better emotionally and psychologically, going on to do better academically and ultimately more successful in later life.
3: your colleague probably has many regrets, she just doesn't say so in the work environment.
4: the 'norm' is for people to have children later, a decision that many regret. I know this as many other parents, who are atleast 10-15 years my senior, feel they are unable to keep up physically with their offspring, who have bundles of energy.


You haven't had children, but speak through the experience of a co-worker, who probably doesn't tell you all the negatives.

A lot of assumptions and possible untruths there.

I don't believe having your first child at 35 means you're likely to only have one. It's not true in my case or for any of those I know who were 35 when they had their first.

I think it's incredibly nasty to say someone is selfish if they only have one child. There are many worse thongs that can happen to a child than be an only child and many cases where having a sibling made someone unhappy. There are also studies that show only chidren can be more secure in their parents affection, have more money and time spent on them and their education and as a result are confident and successful adults. So perhaps refrain from judgement on this issue.

I also know lots of people that had chidren older. Although they might say they wish they had been younger and don't like the idea of approaching retirement by the time tge child leaves home, thry can hardly say whether they made the wrong choice and they might not believe in the scheme of things that they did but just be having a moan about how tired they are. They don't know how they would have felt having a child before they were ready, how they would have handled the change in lifestyle and restrictions, whether it would have affected their parenting. Yes people need to be aware of the consequences and risks of waiting and then make their own informed choice.

surveyqueenuk

Kynthia wrote: »

I think it's incredibly nasty to say someone is selfish if they only have one child.

Absolutely. I can't imagine it's a very pleasant thing to read if you are experiencing fertility issues either.

mark5

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

I understand that trail of thought, but I don't just want a happy ending. I want to feel wanted again. I want that passion back and I know it is there inside him, just don't know how to revive it in him. We are still intimate in that we kiss, hold hands, have cuddles etc but it really is the lack of actual sex and sexual attraction that I miss from the relationship. The quality is great, it is just the quantity that is lacking.



Your post has struck a cord with me. I don't want to be making the same post 13 years down the line. I want to fix this now before things get even more serious between us and the kids and marriage cards are on the table. My BF is a wonderful guy, I love him, I still fancy him like I did when we first met. I want to fix this problem between us but if it is something that can't be fixed then I feel I would have no choice but to walk way from him and our life together which would kill me to do but I would rather not be in an unhappy relationship than stick in a relationship for fear of being single again.

I should have done this, my sex life is not not non existent but a lot less active than I would like and probably would be a lot less frequent if not for me. I was a bit naive in thinking it started off well so would eventually get back there.
Sex aside our relationship is good and we are generally close, we have a decent standard of living, nice house, nice cars, nice holidays, i see my kids everyday but like I say if I could go back I probably should have walked away.
If they have a low sex drive I don't think counselling would do much good as they are just happy to do it once or twice per month.

Totally off subject but as he's a bloke, is he watching !!!!!! by any chance, this usually kills sex drive in men as the extreme stuff available now re wires their brain so they have little desire for more normal sex. (Don't confuse with the mild 70's type !!!!!!)

Beautiful-Moose

Totally off subject but as he's a bloke, is he watching !!!!!! by any chance, this usually kills sex drive in men as the extreme stuff available now re wires their brain so they have little desire for more normal sex. (Don't confuse with the mild 70's type !!!!!!)

Not as far as I know. I wouldn't mind if he did watch it. He doesn't seem to have any sort of fantasies or desires that really get him going. He doesn't understand the fascination with the whole dressing up thing or like the idea of being blindfolded. When he found out about my rabbit at the start of our relationship he didn't like the idea of me using it with or without him. That has pretty much become redundant over the last 4 years. I'm pretty much up for trying most things within reasons but it makes it hard to work on him if there isn't anything other than underwear and few other things to really get him going.

Guest101

Kynthia wrote: »

A lot of assumptions and possible untruths there.

I don't believe having your first child at 35 means you're likely to only have one. It's not true in my case or for any of those I know who were 35 when they had their first. - Sure, but it's been shown that it becomes harder to conceive and ultimately many women cant conceive in their late 30's.

I think it's incredibly nasty to say someone is selfish if they only have one child. - I'm sorry you've taken it that way. There are many worse thongs that can happen to a child than be an only child - Of course there are but that doesn't change anything i wrote. and many cases where having a sibling made someone unhappy - sure, but in the majority of cases it's a positive. There are also studies that show only chidren can be more secure in their parents affection, have more money and time spent on them and their education and as a result are confident and successful adults - Or spoilt, or left to be raised by child minders or socially awkward. There's a whole spectrum of possibilities. I agree with you, studies have shown that, and have shown my view too. So perhaps refrain from judgement on this issue. - No. I'm entitled to my view just like you are yours.

I also know lots of people that had chidren older. Although they might say they wish they had been younger and don't like the idea of approaching retirement by the time tge child leaves home, thry can hardly say whether they made the wrong choice- No, but they have expressed they wish they'd done it sooner. An opinion based upon hindsight, rather than foresight. and they might not believe in the scheme of things that they did but just be having a moan about how tired they are. - Perhaps, but that doesn't invalidate the point. They don't know how they would have felt having a child before they were ready, how they would have handled the change in lifestyle and restrictions, whether it would have affected their parenting. - Absolutely, but that doesn't mean that it was the right choice or the wrong choice. Yes people need to be aware of the consequences and risks of waiting and then make their own informed choice.

Agreed, and I'm giving a view on the risks and consequences, just like you are. We have differing opinions, but both are valid.

Guest101

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

Absolutely. I can't imagine it's a very pleasant thing to read if you are experiencing fertility issues either.

So? Crying out loud its a comment on the internet, get over it.

Guest101

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

Not as far as I know. I wouldn't mind if he did watch it. He doesn't seem to have any sort of fantasies or desires that really get him going. He doesn't understand the fascination with the whole dressing up thing or like the idea of being blindfolded. When he found out about my rabbit at the start of our relationship he didn't like the idea of me using it with or without him. That has pretty much become redundant over the last 4 years. I'm pretty much up for trying most things within reasons but it makes it hard to work on him if there isn't anything other than underwear and few other things to really get him going.

Perhaps he's embarrassed by his real desires?

Kynthia

Guest101 wrote: »

Agreed, and I'm giving a view on the risks and consequences, just like you are. We have differing opinions, but both are valid.

If you just gave your opinion then fine but you are saying many things as facts which I don't believe are true and that is wrong.

You have no evidence that having siblings is better for children you have some studies that list positives and when there are also some studies that list positives for being an only child. It is not fact to cherry pick analysis.

You have no evidence that people regret having children when older and you definitely can't know if they would have been happier to have done so earlier. A few people you know moaning about their age doesn't mean they genuinely wish they had children earlier before they felt ready and doesn't necessarily reflect the majority. Even those individuals can't know whether they would have been happier.

You have no evidence that women who have a child at 35 are likely to only have one child. It is possible there is a slightly higher chance of it but it definitely isn't likely and is a supposition you've made yourself based on very little knowledge of fertility. There are more complex factors at work and fertility can actually increase for a while after having a child, and doesn't necessarily drop at a straight line rate for individual women. Plus while fertility declines it isn't that the majority can't conceive in their late 30s and the time they wait to try for a second would be very relevant.

You say hundreds of millions have children before they are ready and it's the best thing they ever did as if it's fact again. How many found it wasn't the best thing? How many regretted it? How many would have been happier if they had waited until they were ready in comparison as that really can't be known but is the crux of your statement?

If you cant see how your post differed from others that gave their opinion then I doubt anything I say to you will make a difference. However I believe that difference made your post harmful rather than helpful as different opinions can only make people think which isn't a bad thing.

Guest101

Kynthia wrote: »

If you just gave your opinion then fine but you are saying many things as facts which I don't believe are true and that is wrong.

You have no evidence that having siblings is better for children you have some studies that list positives and when there are also some studies that list positives for being an only child. It is not fact to cherry pick analysis. - I happen to agree with the studies which promote having multiple children. Of course I'm going to suggest those. I've not dismissed the other studies.

You have no evidence that people regret having children when older - Yes I do, numerous testimonies and you definitely can't know if they would have been happier to have done so earlier - Obviously not, we cant reload a previous version and try again. A few people you know moaning about their age doesn't mean they genuinely wish they had children earlier before they felt ready and doesn't necessarily reflect the majority. - I didn't say it did, I'm saying in my experience and opinion Even those individuals can't know whether they would have been happier.

You have no evidence that women who have a child at 35 are likely to only have one child. - what? It is possible there is a slightly higher chance of it but it definitely isn't likely and is a supposition you've made yourself based on very little knowledge of fertility. - if you say so. There are more complex factors at work and fertility can actually increase for a while after having a child, and doesn't necessarily drop at a straight line rate for individual women. Plus while fertility declines it isn't that the majority can't conceive in their late 30s and the time they wait to try for a second would be very relevant.

You say hundreds of millions have children before they are ready and it's the best thing they ever did as if it's fact again. How many found it wasn't the best thing? How many regretted it? How many would have been happier if they had waited until they were ready in comparison as that really can't be known but is the crux of your statement? - That's your job, as the opposition to my point, to provide those stats. 100's of millions of people have found it to be the best. Feel free to oppose my point. I'm not doing it for you

If you cant see how your post differed from others that gave their opinion then I doubt anything I say to you will make a difference. However I believe that difference made your post harmful rather than helpful as different opinions can only make people think which isn't a bad thing.

I'm confused at what your point is, can you spell it out to me?