Pre-30 panic

Guest101

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

When we lived at home with our parents we didn't see each other all the time during the week maybe one night a week then we would spend Friday- Sunday nights together. We wouldn't do it every night we were together but at least once a week. I thought our sex life would improve once we moved in together but if anything it has made it worse. It maybe a case that he has got lazy and comfortable now we are together all the time?

Just a few points.


1: It's common that this happens, in both genders, and there's nothing 'wrong' with being comfortable (I wouldn't call it lazy, that's quite rude). However you need to communicate your desires better, and he needs to listen better. It's all about compromise. If it's important to you, you should try surprising him, nothing beats spontaneity.
2: Things don't improve by simply spending more time together. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Gavin83

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

When we lived at home with our parents we didn't see each other all the time during the week maybe one night a week then we would spend Friday- Sunday nights together. We wouldn't do it every night we were together but at least once a week. I thought our sex life would improve once we moved in together but if anything it has made it worse. It maybe a case that he has got lazy and comfortable now we are together all the time?

So it's never really been that frequent then? It's looking likely that his natural sex drive is just low then. There is likely nothing wrong with either of you then, it's just that some people desire sex less than others. It's probably something you need to talk about then but I think even once a week is a big compromise for someone who is happy with every few months.

And in my experience you have less sex living together than when you live apart. Others might have different opinions though.

Mojisola

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

When we lived at home with our parents we didn't see each other all the time during the week maybe one night a week then we would spend Friday- Sunday nights together.

We wouldn't do it every night we were together but at least once a week.

I thought our sex life would improve once we moved in together but if anything it has made it worse.

It maybe a case that he has got lazy and comfortable now we are together all the time?

If his sex drive doesn't match yours but everything else in the relationship is fine, get some sex toys and enjoy yourself on your own.

surveyqueenuk

Mojisola wrote: »

If his sex drive doesn't match yours but everything else in the relationship is fine, get some sex toys and enjoy yourself on your own.

Absolutely, if all you need is a happy ending. There are many other aspects to sex though, like intimacy, closeness, bonding, that type of thing. I'm not certain you can buy that from Lovehoney.

mark5

Sex with my wife was good when we met, once we bought a house together and got engaged it went poor, I constantly complained but got no where. 13 years on I'm married with 2 kids etc and the sex is no better now. I've made my bed now and won't leave my kids but I should have walked years ago. She did admit a few years ago that her low sex drive killed her previous long term relationship. I think she duped me at the beginning!

If sex is important to you then walk, I wish I had!

Guest101

mark5 wrote: »

Sex with my wife was good when we met, once we bought a house together and got engaged it went poor, I constantly complained but got no where. 13 years on I'm married with 2 kids etc and the sex is no better now. I've made my bed now and won't leave my kids but I should have walked years ago. She did admit a few years ago that her low sex drive killed her previous long term relationship. I think she duped me at the beginning!

If sex is important to you then walk, I wish I had!

I have to agree these sentiments, but with a caveat.

Sex drive is not a constant, it fluctuates.

See if your partner will get help and advice before walking.

mark5

Guest101 wrote: »

I have to agree these sentiments, but with a caveat.

Sex drive is not a constant, it fluctuates.

See if your partner will get help and advice before walking.

I won't walk, there's to much to walk away from now but I sometimes wish I had when the lack of sex first become a problem. We wearn't married and there were no kids involved back then.

Detroit

Re the marriage issue, the 'its only a piece of paper and makes no difference' argument only works if both parties in the relationship agree.

People who want to be married and have partners who think as above, will see it as a withholding of commitment on the part of the other.

After all, if it makes no difference and the other person really wants it, why not?

If neither want to marry, great; but where one partner does, the reluctance of the other may be due to avoiding that absolute commitment. Possibly due to poor examples of marriage, but maybe also because they really aren't sure.

As for children, anyone not sure about their relationship beforehand is wise to postpone parenthood, unless they would be happy to be a single parent if necessary.

However, I would disagree that being scared by the thought of parenthood is a clear indicator of not being ready.

Having children is a huge undertaking, which would give any responsible person pause for thought.

Anyone who goes into this with no trepidation is either naive, or not taking it sufficiently seriously.

gonzo127

mark5 wrote: »

I won't walk, there's to much to walk away from now but I sometimes wish I had when the lack of sex first become a problem. We wearn't married and there were no kids involved back then.

not sure if you are a stronger, or stupider than me, as i managed 8 years of marriage in what i class as a sexless marriage (as stated before 2-3 times a year), stuck through it due to my daughter and the mortgage etc, but over a year ago, and after about 8 months of marriage counselling in which nothing changed, i did leave.

hurt like a nothing i can describe to 'walk away' from my child, but a year on, and i would actually say things are better for her, as whilst i was still living with them, i was miserable, and i think probably depressed, as my resentment from lack of intimacy, and the the corresponding 'demands' my ex said she felt from me, and the resenment she felt from them, had crept into every aspect of our lives, meaning that we was in a position that we was existing and not living, in fact i would say we had become house mates and not a married couple, and towards the end, it had probably become apparent that we was house mates, that didnt actually really know, or like each other.

anyways as i said i think its better for my daughter as now we are not living together i have become a lot less depressed and have started to live again, so that when i have my daughter we are always doing things together, and enjoying life.

Detroit

gonzo127 wrote: »

not sure if you are a stronger, or stupider than me, as i managed 8 years of marriage in what i class as a sexless marriage (as stated before 2-3 times a year), stuck through it due to my daughter and the mortgage etc, but over a year ago, and after about 8 months of marriage counselling in which nothing changed, i did leave.

hurt like a nothing i can describe to 'walk away' from my child, but a year on, and i would actually say things are better for her, as whilst i was still living with them, i was miserable, and i think probably depressed, as my resentment from lack of intimacy, and the the corresponding 'demands' my ex said she felt from me, and the resenment she felt from them, had crept into every aspect of our lives, meaning that we was in a position that we was existing and not living, in fact i would say we had become house mates and not a married couple, and towards the end, it had probably become apparent that we was house mates, that didnt actually really know, or like each other.

anyways as i said i think its better for my daughter as now we are not living together i have become a lot less depressed and have started to live again, so that when i have my daughter we are always doing things together, and enjoying life.

I don't think staying in the relationship for your daughter and putting her needs ahead of yours is stupid.

Unless the issues in the relationship are having a negative impact on the child, arguably to put your child's stability and wish to live with both parents ( and most children would prefer this, unless the environment is so bad they pick up on it) first is the right thing to do.

Sometimes seperation is best for children, for example where there is abuse or frequent arguments.
However, where parents can get on and bring up their children in a harmonious environment, and are willing to make some sacrifices of their personal needs to do so, I think this is admirable rather than stupid.